The other morning - shortly after returning from our Christmas break in Bristol - I trudged downstairs to find my wife sitting on the coach smiling broadly.
"I’ve just been reading your diary from 1986″, says she, "It’s hilarious!"
The volume in question was/is a "Letts Boy's Diary" (with a fetching vector graphic design on the covers) that reappeared during the renovation of my old childhood bedroom. What its brief and infrequent entries testify to is the remarkable (and apparently hilarious) banality of my life as I prepared to make the switch from primary to secondary school (and from late-childhood to early-teenagedom).
Anyway, at my wife's bidding I present a few choice January extracts for your amusement and edification. Prepare to be whisked back in time to the magical utopia that was 1980s Ireland. Staggering insights and dizzying flights of fancy await us.
Saturday, January 4th, 1986Went to see Back to the Future.
Rating: Brill Film.
The voice of a budding cineaste can clearly be detected in these astute and incisive remarks. 21 years on and I have the entire BttF trilogy sitting on my heaving DVD shelves. I still consider them all to be "brill" (to a greater or lesser degree).
Tuesday, January 7th
Trying to spot Halley's Comet.
Wednesday, January 8thStill trying to spot it, without too much success.
Thursday, January 10thWill I ever see Halley's comet?!
Friday, January 11th
No not today either…
Despite the less than encouraging results of my comet-spotting activities (and the gradually more dispirited tone of the diary entries) I still felt moved to write the following in the "Notes" section at the base of the page: "I've decided I love astronomy". By 'astronomy', of course, I am referring to the practice of standing outside one's house fruitlessly craning one's neck at a neon-polluted sky.
Saturday, January 11th
Joined Ulster Bank today. Also went to Options.
Rating: Brill.
The appeal of Ulster Bank lay not in their generous interest rates etc., but rather in the 'free' Henry the Hippo money boxes given to all virgin account holders. Henry was plastic, generously-proportioned, and (as noted elsewhere in my diary) perfectly weighted to allow him to be spun furiously (break dancing style). I have no idea what "Options" was or why I thought it worthy of my top "Brill" rating.
Tuesday, January 21st
Brian is addicted to jam sandwiches.
The addict in question is my younger brother Brian, who was a mere 4 years old at the time. The addiction must have been relatively trivial as the diary makes no mention of it again. He later became excessively fond of tomato ketchup but has now (to the best of my knowledge) kicked both habits.
Saturday, January 25th
Kev came in to stay the night. Went to Burgerland. Lovely Milkshakes. Still not finished homework.
Burgerland (alas) is long gone, but the excellence of their milkshakes remains a happy memory. So excellent were they that I added the following to the 'Notes' section by way of emphasis: "Burgerland have [sic] the best milkshakes". I obviously felt quite passionately about the subject.
Though the Limerick Burgerland no longer exists I believe the company still plies its trade in Cork City (or did when last I checked). If memory serves me right they had a sizeable cast of associated characters that bore a striking resemblance to the "old school" McDonald's ensemble (Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac etc). I have distant recollections of plastic figures being provided with the kiddie Burgerland specials - all of which had burger-shaped heads (atop normal, humanoid bodies).1
Perhaps the modesty of the Burgerland chain placed it below the radar operated by the teams of McDonald’s lawyers. The more I think of it, maybe Burgerland was the Supermacs (or Abrakebabra even) that never quite made it - hitting its peak during a decade when disposable income wasn't abundant enough to allow a fast-food franchise to really thrive. A sad, shabby (but oddly noble) pre-Celtic-Tiger attempt to take on the likes of Ray Kroc (et al.) and herald a tide of pre-teen obesity.
Burgerland - you tried to make us fatties. Fair play.
Note: More scintillating extracts from the "Fústar Jr. Diaries" may appear in due course. You have been warned.
- If anyone has any photographic records of the Burgerland toys, please send scans to me. I want to prove to myself that it wasn't all some strange, milkshake-induced dream. [back]
“Tuesday, January 7th
Trying to spot Halley’s Comet.
Wednesday, January 8th
Still trying to spot it, without too much success.
Thursday, January 10th
Will I ever see Halley’s comet?!
Friday, January 11th
No not today either…”
This is wonderful stuff, a blog before blogs even existed. Pity you’ve gone all rubbish since then ;)
January 2nd, 2007 at 6:39 pmYes indeed Fergal, I can’t compete with my pre-teen self. From now on all posts will refer to milkshakes, abortive astronomy, and what is or is not “Brill”. A few months of that and I’ll be red hot favourite at the blog awards.
Of course, the question “Will I ever see Halley’s comet?” has an extra ring of poignancy now that I realise I’ll definitely never see it again. Back in 1986 I imagined that science would have cracked the everlasting life puzzle by now, but alas it has not come to pass.
January 2nd, 2007 at 7:04 pmDid you know that the Bayeux tapestry is not actually a tapestry, but an embroidery?
January 4th, 2007 at 11:30 amNice one Fústar,
You jogged my memory somewhat. Those Brugerland milkshakes shall never be surpassed! Also, I well remember trying to spot Halley’s Comet from the slightly less neon polluted confines of my parent’s garden and then from the field behind their house and all I spotted was a small aircraft!
It all comes back so clearly.
Keep on blogging..
January 4th, 2007 at 12:45 pmCnuimh
Copernicus,
Thanks for the Trivial Pursuit heads-up. I look forward to securing a piece of yellow history pie with such knowledge in the future. By the way, how are your own embroidery classes going?
Cnuimh,
The galling thing about the Halley’s comet no-show was that I was constantly hearing about how easy it was to see with the naked eye. I think I did, in fact, catch a glimpse or two of something that may or may not have been a comet. It might actually have been that same small aircraft you speak of.
Perhaps the ‘aircraft’ was actually a spaceship flying in the comet’s wake, a la Hale Bopp and the Heaven’s Gate mothership.
January 4th, 2007 at 2:18 pmBrill.
January 10th, 2007 at 1:12 amI’ve kept a diary since 1999 and re-read alot of it this week,
absolutely cringe making, even stuff from 2 years ago. Second rate Travis Bickle stuff.
I don’t think anyone could seriously describe my milkshake-fixated diary entries as Travis-Bickle-like. Still, there were a lot of parkas/fatigued army jackets floating around Limerick in the mid-80s, so I’m sure there were plenty of other people ‘Bickle-ing’ it up big time.
January 11th, 2007 at 2:28 pmThe Burgerland in cork is gone a few months now. remember they used to give out free glasses with the characters printed on them.
February 1st, 2007 at 12:50 amwhen McDonalls came in big time Burgerland coundn’t compete.
I’d give my kingdom (or at least 2 quid) for one of those glasses…anybody?
February 1st, 2007 at 4:25 pmAlas no glasses but I do have an ad for Burgerland that I can scan and show you..
March 14th, 2007 at 9:07 pmEmbarr,
Please scan. Please show. You’ll make me happy. Email address on sidebar.
March 14th, 2007 at 9:42 pmHere you are- This appeared in my 1993/4 School Year Book. I was always a fan of the Deep Fried Chickens, but couldn’t finish a whole one.
Their Fennch Fries have never been beaten- no other ‘Resturant’ can come close.
The typos are most likely to have stemmed from inattentive students rather than from Burgerland ad-execs, if such a creature could be imagined.
This Burgerland is now a conformist McDonalds. Boo.
March 15th, 2007 at 12:34 amEmbarr/A,
Ah…now I know who are. Sorry, bit slow on the uptake there.
Firstly, congratu-ma-lations on the bonny new arrival.
Secondly, ta very much for the ad. It’s a quite spectacular example of negligent proof reading. It actually looks like a piece of spam (the digital not the meaty kind), with words carefully mis-spelled to allow it to creep unnoticed passed the anti-spam-bots.
I’d murder a deep fried chicken right about now. A lovely bit of crunchy beak washed down with a tasty Burgerland milkshake: what a breakfast it would make.
March 15th, 2007 at 9:26 am