Today's entry in the toy-making hall of shame was, like last week's example, purchased in the marvellous crap toy repository that is Limerick's "Euro 2 Shop" (formerly "Mary's of Limerick"). Just as "Super Rorot Rorot" was a fairly undisguised knock-off of a more established "transforming robot" range of action figures, the inspiration for "Imaginary Racer" seems similarly obvious. Yes folks, we're sailing dangerously close to the Less-than-Mighty Morphin’ World of Power Rangers here…and if there's one thing worse than Power Rangers themselves, it's 2 Euros' worth of poor-man's Power Rangers. Let’s have a look:
Those of you with keen observational skills will have noticed that the toymakers do not use the word "Imaginary" casually or carelessly. Though the cardboard background displays our Power Ranger-esque friends standing beside (and sitting in) all manner of exciting and colourful vehicles, said vehicles are notably not included in the actual 'box' itself. Imaginary Racer indeed…
Perhaps children are simply being encouraged to imagine that the cars are present, much like they might imagine an…er…imaginary friend. If this was the intention then the following might have made appropriate slogans:
Imaginary Racer: Just because something’s invisible, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!
Imaginary Racer: The toy that you create with the power of your mind!
When first removed from the box the figures appear superficially impressive (at least for "Euro 2 Shop" merchandise). Lined up in a row with their vibrant colours and improbable mix of laser pistols and swords, they made for quite a stirring sight. However, as soon as I attempted to get them to fight each other (the standard first act when a 'kid' opens a packet of action figures) their manky toy credentials became immediately apparent.
Getting action figures to 'fight', of course, is not a complicated procedure. One picks up Figure A in one hand, Figure B in the other, and simply bashes them together. Punching noises or laser noises are optional, but preferred. When I performed said routine with the red and blue "Imaginary Racer" figures the following occurred: the red fella's chest and neck stickers immediately unstuck themselves while the blue fella's legs snapped off and flew across the room.
In my boyhood years I would have taken this apparently discouraging lack of robustness in my stride, realising that though such figures would never make satisfactory heroes, they still had their place in the great scheme of things - as cannon fodder. While Han Solo, Starbuck, and my Action Force frogman drank port & smoked cigars behind their own lines1, cheapo, easily-destroyed figures like these could be marched straight into an Imperial Death Ray's line of fire, there to be blown (i.e. pulled) to bits. Nobody mourned their passing, but their scattered limbs added just the right touch of gore and carnage to the battlefield. Hoorah!
Apologies for the crap quality of the above image by the way. I’m still working off a scanner and mobile phone but hope to have replaced our lost digital camera before too long.
P.S: As an added bonus - or not-so-hidden extra - I thought I'd throw in a couple of scans sent to me by regular reader (and chum) "Devo". He mentioned in last week's comments section that he'd recently bought (in a Cardiff Post Office of all places) a fake WWE figure called "Dude Love". I speculated that it might simply be a knock-off based on the real "Dude Love" (one of Mick Foley's many wrestling personas/alter-egos) but it seems it is far more (or less) than that. Behold:
Wrestling aficionados will immediately notice that this "Dude" seems to be a hybrid of Foley, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. He's not half as entertaining as some of his stable-mates though:
Though the banality of their names is hilarious enough, it's the objects they're carrying that made me guffaw the most. Look, I know wrestling isn't really a real sport (in the way snooker is) but surely some rules still apply. I'll admit that seeing a guy getting smacked over the head by a 'steel' chair (or choke-slammed through a table) can make for entertaining viewing, but I'd draw the line at allowing someone to bring a chainsaw or a giant spider into the ring.
More of the same this day week, toy fans.
- My action figure battles were always heterogeneous ones. [back]
I think it’s fine so long as the other guy also has a chainsaw or giant spider (or at least the option of a chainsaw or giant spider if he so chooses). Look at golf and skiing, two heavily equipment-based sports. Though all of ‘em, golf, skiing and wrestling alike, would be knocked into a cocked hat by televised death-matches, metal chairs and all, between two giant spiders.
Anyway, the point I was initially going to make was that while I can allow Mark, John, Jack, Sam and even David, there will never, ever be a convincing wrestler named “Peter”
January 30th, 2007 at 10:44 pmWhat you’re describing is essentially what professional wrestling has become. Where once a distracted (or unconscious) referee and an opportunistic steel chair across the back of the sconce was a spectacular (and dastardly) capper to a dramatic match, it has now become par for the course. The success of Extreme/Hardcore wrestling has meant that the bar has been pushed increasingly higher, with ever more violent and outrageous payoffs demanded.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the most entertaining bits of televisions I’ve ever witnessed have involved high-flying, tag-team, “Table-Ladder-Chair� matches (the really hurtful kind of TLC), but the joys of wrestling have always been the cartoonish nature of the violence. I haven’t watched it in a few years but when last I did there was an increasingly (and depressingly) prevalent trend for the acting out of “domestic violence� scenarios - with female characters being smacked around by beer-swilling bores like Steve Austin.
I really must post my planned paean to 80s wrestling soon…
January 31st, 2007 at 12:07 amIt’s simple economics. Who WOULDN’T pay to watch two steroid abusing, James Hetfield lookalikes beat each other over the head with giant spiders.
January 31st, 2007 at 2:05 pm