Further to my last Manky Toy Monday entry I offer a few observations on the heavily-articulated world of "Action Men" (or should that be "Action Mans"?).
As admitted in the comments section of that post, Action Man (AM) was - let's face it - a doll. Not an action figure. Not (as Palitoy euphemistically marketed him) a "moveable fighting man". He was a doll.1
Like any doll worth talking about he had hair-like hair, a wide & impressive range of outfits, and was capable of being stripped down to his birthday suit (unlike those moulded-plastic-clothes figures that were otherwise all the rage). This 'ability' to get nekkid allowed young lads and lassies an opportunity to satisfy latent sexual curiosity with a piece of unthreatening plastic, or at least it did until 1978 when a new plastic underpants wearing Action Man replaced his nekkid brother. Here are the two versions side by side:2
The reason I highlight these two models is that they were the only ones I ever owned (one of each). While my pre-78, starkers Action Man often slept in the same bed as my older sister's Sindy (Sindy's bed, of course, not AM's rickety, uncomfortable camp bed), the underpants-wearing AM rarely, if ever, got any action. He also never found himself invited into the "Sindy Shower", despite often being covered in gore after a hard day's killing.
Actually, the Sindy Shower deserves a brief mention here. While mendacity and the raising of false hopes were commonplace in toy advertising, the gap between the idealised shower presented on TV and the actual shower that my sister took out of the box was absolutely canyon-like. All that ever emerged from Sindy's shower (despite a good deal of chugging and wheezing) was a tiny, barely-detectable, trickle of lukewarm water. It wasn't my Christmas present, but I still felt an empathic sense of despair and disappointment.
Anyway, where were we? Ah yes. While the old-school AM didn’t come equipped with a cock and balls the creators obviously felt that a total absence of pelvic definition (the traditional flat expanse of plastic) was too freaky and unnatural. Thus, we ended up getting a pelvic muscles/bone area that looked disturbingly like a deformed, flat, squashed penis loitering around AM's (absent) belly-button.
Gah! How was I to know that I wasn't the freak and that AM's anatomy was not the norm? Apart from catching the odd glimpse of my Da's equipment as he leapt out of the shower, Action Man was all I had to go on. It wasn't until I reached the age of "birds and bees" discussion that I could confirm (once and for all) that AM was the mutant, not I. Confirmation came in the form of a dreary and clinical "facts of life" book that my parents' had sourced from somewhere or other. Its pages contained two wholly unflattering (flash heavy) photos of the male appendage: one flaccid, one erect, both pimply and hideous. They may have made me feel ashamed to be carrying around such an ugly piece of machinery, but at least they abruptly ended AM's influence as a genitalia role model.
Despite his freakishness, however, it's the naked AM who looks most comfortable with himself in the above photos. His chin's up. His bearing is proud, yet relaxed. He may have no clothes on, but he's making the best of it.
The partially clothed AM, in contrast, has clenched fists and tense limbs. He looks anxious and embarrassed, the very picture of self-loathing and a pale shadow of the dynamic figure depicted on the box beside him. Perhaps he's mortified that his underpants (self-centredly) bear the logo "Action Man". Either that or his look/posture betrays longing and regret…for a bed he'll never share and a shower he'll never use.
I note that the “Special Operations” package seems to involve Action Man simply knocking about in his keks.
Action Man: Hey, yo Barbie. I’m ready for special operations, baby.
Barbie: Beat it, Ken.
Action Man: Let me just get these blue plastic keks off.
Barbie: Well?!
Action Man: Er…Can I get some help.
Barbie (tugging angrily): Jesus Christ, they’re fused to your crotch.
Action Man: Oh dear.
Barbie: Looks like the only helmet I’ll be seeing is the dubious German jobbie on your astroturfed bonce.
February 15th, 2007 at 12:46 pmNice side-burns.
February 15th, 2007 at 1:18 pmIs that an action man version of Shaft?
The partially clothed Action Man looks like he’s anticipating a wedgie.
February 15th, 2007 at 1:27 pmYou are right Fustar! The Action Man on the left appears to have an extra joint between the shoulder and elbow! I wonder if there is any mention of this joint in ‘Gray’s Anatomy’. Maybe, like the teletubbies, it is part of the well-known conspiracy to prepare the younger generations for forthcoming visitations by aliens…
The chap at the top of the page with the impressive whiskers has a distinctly Middle Eastern appearance - he could be one of Saddam’s bodyguards.
As for the bearded one with the navy hat at a jaunty angle - well, my dears - I can hear Noel Coward singing ‘Matelot, Matelot…’
February 15th, 2007 at 1:51 pmcopernicus,
Why having underpants fused to your crotch was seen as an advantage for the “special ops” soldier was never clearly explained. Perhaps this enforced chastity was a sign of a “pure warrior”: one untainted and undistracted by the desires of the flesh.
foolhardy,
I doubt anyone could give an effective wedgie to a guy wearing such undies. Well…maybe Superman. It’d take a heroic amount of yanking and tugging to…er…pull it off.
Ithaca,
As Action Man ‘evolved’ the joint in question disappeared, leaving him with fewer points of articulation. Perhaps it too - like a mutant squashed cock - was considered too upsetting for young consumers.
February 15th, 2007 at 2:49 pmFustar wrote: “Confirmation came in the form of a dreary and clinical “facts of life” book that my parents’ had sourced from somewhere or other.”
You were lucky. The nearest thing to a ‘facts of life’ book that I and many others in who grew up in the 1960’s ever saw was a nasty little Catholic Truth Society pamphlet that did not even attempt to give the ‘facts’ but went to great lengths to emphasise how sinful it was even to think about it! I know this is off topic but I still get cross after all these years…
February 16th, 2007 at 2:24 pmThere’s no such thing as off topic here, Ithaca!
I’d love to get my hands on said pamphlet. It would, I’m sure, provide rich posting material. Anyone?
RE: the “sinfulness” of that most preasurable of activites I refer the Catholic Truth Society to Terence’s famous quote:
February 17th, 2007 at 1:28 amI think the CTS pamplet was called ‘The Boy’s Own’ and it had a yellow cover with a drawing of a boy’s face in the front. I may still have it and if I ever manage to unearth from beneath the accumulated junk of decades I shall let you know. In the meantime you may be able to get a copy from another source… The National Library and Trinity College Dublin may have copies because they are supposed to get copies of everything published in the country. Of course the CTS itself may have copies…
February 18th, 2007 at 5:05 pmAs interested as I am in such ephemera a trip to Dublin solely to unearth said publication might seem a tad OTT. Perhaps while I’m there for the blog awards I might pop my head in.
I may contact the CTS too, telling ‘em that I want it for my new, morally irreproachable, website: http://www.sexisdurty.ie.
February 18th, 2007 at 5:55 pmWhen surfing the internet to see if I could find any information about above-mentioned CTS publication I came across this gem:
February 18th, 2007 at 6:02 pm“(in 1866) Pope Pius IX sent the incarcerated Confederate President, Jefferson Davis, a gift; a crown of thorns to console him for his sorrows due his frequent time spent in jail.”
What utter barminess! What was he supposed to do with the wretched thing? Wear it? And wasn’t the said Jefferson Davis the president of the breakaway slave-owning South…
An x-box might have made a more appropriate pressie, or at least the 19th Century equivalent. Marbles?
February 18th, 2007 at 11:29 pmWith the blue sky backdrop and the ponderous expression, the bearded action man picture is definitely a film shot - our hero has just discovered that Grabowski was taken down during the recon mission behind enemy lines. He’s about to go looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle of rum.
February 19th, 2007 at 9:13 pmVery evocative Red Rocket. I never filled my Action Man canteen with rum though. My lads were professional soldiers to the last.
If they discovered that “Grabowski” was trapped behind enemy lines they’d get an early night, wake at dawn, take some vitamins, say their prayers, nip behind enemy lines, nip back again, and have Grabowski home in time for afternoon tea.
Hoorah!
February 20th, 2007 at 12:00 amthe special ops guy is the worst action man ever! Talk about cheap. ‘let just sell one at the same price without clothes’ or was it cheaper than the others? It reminds me of all the justifying and recycling of broken toys, ‘and see this boba fett that my mam accidentally threw in the oven, he falls out of the scout walker with his face melted off.’ I hope you know what i mean
February 24th, 2007 at 12:07 amI do indeed know what you mean. I had a Subutteo player with a fractured leg and bent posture (my Da had sat on him). Far from throwing him out I built a tragic/moving back-story for him. He’d been in some terrible accident but, through grit and determination, he’d managed to claw his way back to the top of professional football. Upon his return he discovered that his twisted leg could be used to bend the ball wickedly.
Actually…now I think of it, I just lifted the entire narrative from Roy of the Rovers’ “The Wheelchair Wonder”.
February 24th, 2007 at 2:17 pm