Recent talk of prizes and awards has put me to thinking. Though I come from a reasonably competitive family (competitive in the "I want to beat you at Scrabble" sense), we have precious little that's concrete to show for our competitive efforts.
For despite having a keen(ish) will to win (as kids), our chances of glory tended to be scuppered by a collective tendency toward indolence, coupled with an aimless lack of focus. As any self-respecting motivational guru would no doubt tell you, it can be hard to develop a truly winning mentality when you're still in bed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
Probably our greatest triumph came in the late 80s, down in the Kerry caravan park where we used to spend our holidays. Perhaps it was just a particularly wet August. Perhaps we simply tapped into reserves of determination hitherto unutilised. Whatever the reason, the result was impressive: my younger brother, younger sister and I simultaneously held the top scores in all three of the caravan park's arcade games. Like many such triumphant moments, the glory was fleeting…but the experience was a heady and thrilling one while it lasted.
The games (and record-holders) in question were: Centipede (the sister), Wonderboy in Monster Land (the brother), and Kung Fu Master (myself).
Centipede was notable for a) already being several years old at the time (it was produced in 1980), and, b) having a "trackball" instead of a joystick. Actually, the trackball was, in this instance, a grubby old pool ball but it may as well have been a tomato for all the good it did me. Despite being fairly competent and comfortable with most video game controls, the trackball remained a system I found frustratingly impossible to master. The sister had no such trouble, having developed a devastatingly effective technique half-way between a slap and a wave. I used to look on enviously. It was poetry in motion (and also quite loud).
What I didn’t realise at the time was that Centipede was (apparently) "the first arcade coin-operated game to have a significant female player base". Not only that, but it is thought to be "the first arcade game created by a woman". All over the world, then, sisters were probably making brothers jealous with their prodigious trackballing skills, heroically (or heroinically) keeping virtual gardens safe from virtual pests.
Wonderboy in Monsterland was of more recent vintage, having been released in 1987 as a sequel to gaming mega-hit, Wonderboy. The brother's love of it was total, and I don't recall him being more than 20 feet away from the machine for the entirety of the summer (he may even have taken his meals beside it). Unlike its predecessor, this Wonderboy incarnation boasted a reasonably sophisticated narrative - allowing inter-character chatting, the purchase of potions/weapons (etc), and the pleasant opportunity to amble and ramble through a colourful, medieval fantasy world. A marked shift toward "realism" from Wonderboy 1 - where skateboarding onto clouds and bopping squid with stone axes was (somewhat improbably) the order of the day.
Its Wikipedia entry confirms that my memories of the brother's epic sessions are right on the money:
Wonder Boy in Monster Land is by far the hardest title in the Wonder Boy series due to the fact that there is no continue mode or password system; meaning that the player must finish the entire game without dying once.
No time for eating, sleeping, or playing outside in the sun/rain when faced with such a challenge. Nothing to do but gird up your nappy and get busy.
And then there was Kung Fu Master - the arcade game that remains (with the possible exception of Donkey Kong Jr.) the one for which I retain the most affection. It was probably the first ever "Beat 'em up" - opening the door for such urban, side-scrolling slobberknockers as Double Dragon and Final Fight - and took its "five-floor pagoda with five bosses" idea from the Bruce Lee film Game of Death (the one with the iconic yellow tracksuit). The reason our hero (bearer of the rather unheroic handle "Thomas") has to kick and punch his way up five floors is (of course) to rescue his beloved "Silvia". As anyone familiar with such games will be aware, the hero's girlfriend excelled at but one thing: getting kidnapped and demanding to be rescued. This was a Pre-Buffy (PB) world remember, where popular culture's damsels still tended to spend most of their time in varying states of distress.
The less than intriguing back-story to Silvia's kidnapping is told (in hilariously quirky English) by the pre-game screens:
I'd happily bet that anyone who played the game (back in the day) found the words "several unknown guys" impossible to forget. Not an expression you'd commonly hear on Crimewatch or Garda Patrol: "The victim was leaving the premises, shortly after 1.00 a.m., when he was suddenly attacked by several unknown guys". 'Twould be hard to take the victim's plight entirely seriously.
Anyway, despite Thomas opening cans of whupass on several of the unknown guys they still manage to make off with the lovely Silvia. When Thomas heads home to freshen-up (after his hard day's Kung-Fu-ing) he finds the following disturbing note:
Off to the temple he dutifully goes and - after much kicking henchmen/midgets/giant wasps in the face - he's reunited with his love. Thank Christ for that, says you. Surely now the happy couple can live out their lives in peace - putting stronger locks on the door and avoiding the company of "unknown guys". It's not to be I'm afraid, as the final screens confirm…
The "camera" fades out, fades back in, and Thomas finds himself (maddeningly) back on the ground floor…with Silvia nowhere to be seen. As it dawns on him that he now has to fight his way up five flights of stairs once more, he's presumably toying with the idea of just giving up and checking in to a Kung-Fu convalescent home. Even Sisyphus was not so cursed by fate. While he did, annoyingly, have to roll a rock up a hill over and over again; he could at least take comfort from the fact that nobody was throwing knives at him, or dropping jars full of snakes on his head. Every cloud and all that…
This ramble has gone on long enough. I'm off to try and download Kung Fu Master for Jess's mobile phone (it must, surely, be available). Silvia's not (even in these more enlightened times) going to save herself.1
P.S: My new Manky Toy Monday entry will probably not be up before tomorrow evening (at the earliest…it could spill into Tuesday). Until then I direct your attention to Simon McGarr's mighty parody/spoof/tribute.
Tags: Kung Fu Master, Centipede, Wonder Boy, Kerry, Bruce Lee, Garda Patrol
- I've abandoned that idea and am currently playing it on MAME. After several attempts I still can't get past the 4th floor's diabolical hunchback magician. Like Rocky Balboa, I'm just a tad rusty after all these years. [back]
“several unknown guys”
My God you’re right! Suddenly I am transported to a chip shop in west cork, placing my 10p piece against the bottom of the screen to book my place. It was always with mixed feelings that I watched others play arcade games. Part of you was rooting for them, but part of you just wanted them dead and off the machine.
I always preferred the delightfully bonkers (and therefore identifiably Japanese) Wonder Boy though. Must go find an emulator version.
February 26th, 2007 at 1:19 pmI think it was a bit like watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire. If, after the first few questions/levels, you feel like you’re watching someone who might go all the way to the end you tend to root for them.
If, however, they lose a few lives/lifelines early on then you just want them “dead” as soon as possible - clearing the way for a superior competitor (in the case of Millionaire) or you yourself (in the case of arcade games).
The practice of lining up your 10p and waiting your turn was complicated by the introduction of “continues”. No longer could you be confident as to when you’d get your game. It all depended on how deep the current player’s pockets were.
There was nothing more sickening than seeing a talentless child of well-to-do parents pour coin after coin into the game while better (but poorer) players looked on with growing irritation.
Such chiddlers may have ended up completing various games, but only at a hefty financial cost…and at the expense of their dignity.
February 26th, 2007 at 2:27 pmI always loved arcade games, but hated it when someone was waiting. All of a sudden the pressures on and unless you were the mac daddie it stopped being fun.
March 1st, 2007 at 1:25 pmIf someone was waiting to play it could, indeed, be annoying.
If people were watching as spectators, however, there was plenty of showing-off fun to be had.
I once did 3 or 4 laps of Donkey Kong Jr. without losing a life. When I finally left the machine the assembled gang of watching small children were almost in awe. I felt invincible…for about 5 minutes.
March 1st, 2007 at 1:48 pmAh Kung Fu Master, i spent so much money on it in the local pub as a kid. I was wowed by the fact that it had speech (woo-bah) and its funky theme music still cheers me up.
March 1st, 2007 at 8:03 pmThe speech was limited to Thomas shouting “HIYA!” for the high kicks and the Bosses’ heavily digitised laughter when they killed you. Bastards…
The music was indeed memorably thumping:
and
Is there a name for this kind of musical transcription? Y’know, reducing music to “dos”, das”, and “dums”?
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pmAh those halcyon days playing Kung-fu-Master.
June 24th, 2007 at 10:30 pmHere’s a tip to beat the 4th level hunchback magician.
He only dies when crouch punched in his stomach. So, wait till he mirrors himself and the new version behind throws fireballs. (youll be lucky if this happens first time and there the eagle fireballs).
Avoid them until you can move forward and push the other mirror against the stairs.
Wait until the one behind catches up and he will be dispelled as the magician holds up his finger. By this time of course you are ducked and ready to punch him in his belly as he reappears with nowhere to go.
GOOD LUCK!
Them’s some detailed and useful tips, Splodger. I must away to try ‘em out. I always hated that little bastard with his duplication mojo.
Easiest boss is surely the big, bald, Mr. Proper look-alike on level 3. A swift high kick followed by repeated punches to the groin takes care of him quite satisfactorily.
“Aaarrggh! My groin!” he shouts as he topples three floors to his doom.
June 25th, 2007 at 10:13 pm