Though Manky Toy Monday usually requires that I put my adult self in touch with my inner small boy (that part of me best qualified to speak on such matters), today's entry demands that I pay heed to the tiny (suppressed) voice of my inner young girl. After 4 weeks of transformable "Rorots", giant gorillas, Powerless Rangers (etc) I feel the time has come to dip my toe into doll-infested waters.
Before I begin I'll happily admit that - as far as girls' toys go - I'm no expert. Having said that, I am not entirely without credentials in this area. I did, after all, grow up with two sisters. In addition, I currently have a Bratz-loving niece whom I play with whenever opportunity permits. Most importantly, I once owned a couple of pseudo-dolls (i.e. Action Men) and an actual doll by the name of "Judy". I mentioned her in the comments section of the last Manky Toy instalment but think I got away with it. In case you missed it, here's what I said:
Speaking of dolls, I had two of 'em when I was a small chap: one black and one "raggedy". The raggedy one was called "Judy" and was quite treasured. I well remember going into hospital to get my tonsils out and worrying what the other guys in the ward would think of a pale kid with what was clearly a girl's doll. Being an enterprising soul, however, I squeezed a pair of Action Man boots on Judy's feet, popped a sock on her head as a manly hat, and thereby created what I thought a most cunning disguise. I toyed with the idea of drawing dots of stubble on her cloth face but resisted for fear of doing her permanent damage.
Despite gradually acquiring at least some trappings of adulthood (a job, a wife), and demonstrating my masculinity by playing (and writing about) football, I still found myself unable to part with Judy until quite recently. Granted she had (like Toy Story 2's "Jessie the Cowgirl") gone through a prolonged period of neglect - sitting above in my parents' attic among Christmas decorations and old pieces of carpet - but at least she still lived "at home" (and hadn't been consigned to the bin). As soon as my niece appeared on the scene, however, a perfect opportunity arose to pass Judy on to a new and loving owner.
It was with an unapologetic tear in the eye, then, that I received the news that Judy was chosen (among all of my niece's possessions) as the object of choice for her school "Show and Tell". Not only that but the "tell" part of the exercise involved the relating of the "Judy goes to hospital dressed in drag" tale. In some small way, perhaps, the story may even have liberated those male classmates feeling pangs of shame for playing with their sister's toys (or dressing up in their clothes). She has powers to heal and comfort does Judy.
Judy was, of course, nothing like a Barbie or a Sindy (the fashionable gals of the doll world) but then neither (despite her pretensions) is the doll that concerns us today. Ladies and gents, allow me to present the magical, the marvellous, the magnificent…"Maureen":
Yes, that's right…I did say "Maureen". Can any "fashion doll" ever have been lumbered with a more modest and homespun name? While she did, admittedly, cost me less than 2 Euros in Bedford Row's "Bargain Gift Shop", there's no reason why her makers couldn't have treated her to a more aspirational, upwardly-mobile moniker. One can almost hear her desperate sales pitch:
"Hi Girls! I’m very affordable and my shoes tend to fall off! Oh and my name is…er…Maureen! Please don't hate me!".
The blurb on the rear of her colourful box [below right] does (in fairness) try its best to "big her up" by outlining her various charms:
For, "Wears Other 11.5 inch Clothing", read, "Likely to nick Barbie's frocks when she’s not looking".
Perhaps her feelings of self-consciousness and inferiority have led her to overcompensate with a particularly jazzy and dazzling outfit. So dazzling is it, in fact, that I’ve found it nigh on impossible to take a decent flash photograph of her. Every image ended up drowned in reflected light. I thought I might experience something of the giddy thrills felt by top fashion photographers but the results are nearly all rubbish. Back to the day job…
As I find myself struggling to think of anything constructive or informed to say about Maureen's choice of clothing, makeup, hairstyle (etc), I've decided to email Kirstie & Aphrodite (at Beaut.ie) and Maz (at Style Treaty) to ask them for a detailed breakdown of her distinctive look. We wait, expectantly, for their professional critiques.
Tags: Barbie, Sindy, Manky Toy Monday, beaut.ie, Style Treaty
Is Maureen, by any chance, wearing blue briefs under that dress?
I was watching Oprah last night and they had the original Barbie on, or, rather, the person after whom Barbie was named. By all accounts they sell 3 of the things every second.
Apparently Ken was named after her brother which is kinda sick if you ask me.
By now the original Incest Barbie is worth a cool 25 grand.
I have no life.
February 27th, 2007 at 10:26 amOh I love a challenge:
Maureen, Mullingar Beef from the Ankles Up
Less Lovely Girl and more Fashion Disaster, Maureen grew up on a farm in the midlands, where she still lives, but dreams of escape to the bright lights of the big city. Fashin’ is her pashin’ – but her clothing options are few and far between. She can choose from the dusty offerings in the local drapers and whatever she can fashion herself out of used fertiliser bags.
Today Maureen is modelling a dress she made from Triple A Golden Maverick Bags. She was aiming for a constructed, architectural style, so popular with avant coutoure designers like John Galliano. More John Gilligan if you ask me, but to give it that lovely sheen, she laboriously painted every inch of it with Constance Carroll nail polish in ‘slutpink’ from the Euro shop on the main street.
She’s cleverly accessorised her look today with a pair of old wellies that she’s cut down, to create a unique bootie effect. Naturally, in order to be matchy matchy, she’s painted these with her bottle of polish too.
The less said about the hair, the better.
February 27th, 2007 at 11:12 amMaureen’s hair is pure Zandra Rhodes meets Amy Winehouse. A style classic
February 27th, 2007 at 12:03 pmI have to say that as a child I must have received 100’s of Maureens from other kids at birthday time, it was the most disappointing feeling. They always come in boxes that are the same size as Barbies so when they are all wrapped up in lovely colourful “happy birthday” paper you can’t tell the Barbies from the Maureens.
You’re ripping the paper off hoping against hope that it’s a Barbie (even the cheap ones that don’t come with clothes) and you can’t hide that look on your little five year old face that says “you cheap b***ard” when you see Maureen and her cheap shiny clothes and dodgy shoes. Ah yes I have memories of Maureen alright.
As for your Maureen, she is the worst kind: the pink hair is awful, the shiny clothes look like a space suit, and the pale skin colour does nothing to make her look better. I can only assume that they used so much pink because Barbie is well known for her love of the colour, however I don’t think Barbie would be seen dead in that Metallic pink creation. And as for dressing Maureen in Barbie’s haute couture - I’m not sure her flimsy body could carry it off. Say what you want about Barbie, but they are well made dolls (they need to be sturdy to carry their boobs!! )
February 27th, 2007 at 2:09 pmfoolhardy,
Nope. Maureen is sans blue (or any other colour) briefs. I only checked this out of a sense of duty to my readers. In case you’re wondering, she has no nipples either.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:19 pmI’ve just realised that she reminds me of Joleen from “trouble in paradise” all she’s missing is the cowboy boots.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:20 pmI feel a bit sorry for Maureen. It strikes me that she spent weeks making this dress on the sly in her attic bedroom á la Carrie, only to get to the Prom and discover that all the other girls are wearing black boob tubes and Doc Martins.
I had a Sindy doll called Cynthia, whose hair I mercilessly cut off (before Britney Spears made it cool). I used to pretend that she was really cruel to my other dolls, but now I wonder if Cynthia really used to cry herself to sleep at night, thinking I hated her.
Now I think about it, Maureen doesn’t know how lucky she has it.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:26 pmkirstie,
Phew… Where do I start? What little self-respect Maureen once had must now have fizzled away like…er…cheap hair spray on the Mullingar wind.
The nice thing about Triple A Golden Maverick bags is that they lend the wearer something of the independent, pioneering spirit of the Auld Wesht. Either that or they just make you stink of shit.
Still, you can’t deny that Maureen is herself a “maverick”, though possibly more of the “Triple D Minus” variety. Her feet may be in the silage, but her pink hair is in the stars.
If she did, indeed, buy her “Constance Carroll nail polish” in the local 2 Euro shop she must have been freaked out by the sight of 100 other identical Maureens in boxes on the shelves. That kind of thing tends to make you question your uniqueness. Maybe she’s not such a maverick after all.
aphrodite,
I just dashed off to check who Zandra Rhodes actually was (forgive me) and by God you’re right! ‘Twas like seeing a vision of Maureen’s future.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:33 pmfústar,
somewhat incredibly, nipples weren’t my concern! In the top picture there’s the look of a block jawed drag queen about her so I was merely wondering if the manufacturers had the poor taste to ship her balls ‘n all.
If you scratch at the end of her name will the “…een” transform in to “…ice”?
Perhaps Mattel could produce a new doll, naming her Barbara after the taxi driver in The League of Gentlemen. An Action Man in a frock would do nicely.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:42 pmMaz,
Maureen is to Barbie what Action Dan was to Action Man. See here.
At least we could use Action Dan (Maureen’s gormless FCA boyfriend) as cannon fodder: blowing him up and strewing his limbs about the room.
What role could “Maureens” play in the imaginative world of young girls? Barbie’s hick cousin? Sindy’s slutty nemesis?
Jess,
No wonder that “When somebody loved me” scene in Toy Story 2 makes you weep. You’re thinking of the abuse you once committed on a poor, defenseless doll who only ever wanted your approval and affection. Mind you it makes me sob too…and the worst I ever did was put Action Man’s trousers on the wrong way round.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:47 pmOK now I’m going to feel guilty all afternoon. Thanks Fústar.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:51 pmfoolhardy,
Nothing but a flat expanse of plastic in the genital region. A marginally happier fate than being doomed to wear non-removable plastic underpants I suppose.
By the way, Jess swears she saw a Maureen-a-like in another 2 Euro shop called “City Girl” (”City Girl” being the name of the doll, of course, not the shop). I must check this out. Could it be Maureen’s professional, urban alter-ego? Are they one and the same person a la Batman and Bruce Wayne?
Further research required.
Next question to kirstie, maz and aphrodite is, I suppose, “What am I going to wear to the blog awards?” (bearing in mind I wear essentially the same thing every day)
February 27th, 2007 at 6:44 pma very Fústary article from this weeks Onion
http://www.avclub.com/content/node/59017
February 28th, 2007 at 10:43 amQuite enjoyable read. Nice to see Dr. Pretorius mentioned. By some distance the most flamingly camp of Universal’s (golden age) Mad Scientists. Marvellous.
February 28th, 2007 at 11:53 pmHave had a ferociously busy week this week but am looking forward with (Ballymaloe) relish to tomorrow night’s festivities in Dublin. Maureen would have come except she took some of the criticisms of her dress sense rather badly. Plus, she hasn’t found any other suitable 11.5 inch clothing to wear.
See you there. See you then.
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 pmHi Fústar and Jess,
Best of luck tomorrow from myself, Bean Uí Cnuimh agus Cnuimhín.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:22 pmGo raibh míle maith agaibh go léir.
Look after your lovely woman and the Cnuimhín till I get back.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:35 pmI love this series.There is a Maureen doll from that very shop adorning the office of a National Geographic Society V.I.P.in Washington.
March 4th, 2007 at 9:34 amStill and all I knew her when she wore Rank’s knickers.
Thank you HQ,
I never knew Maureen was so well-travelled/well-connected. If you listened to kirstie you’d swear she’d never set foot outside Mullingar.
If sales of “Maureens” increase, even marginally, as a result of this post I’ll be a happy and contented man.
March 4th, 2007 at 10:54 pmHave you heard of Razanne the Islamic doll? No this is not a joke. The sales blurb describes her as follows:
“The perfect gift for all Muslim girls!
New Modest Figure! New Beautiful, Brushable Hair! New Islamic Fashions and Accessories!
Your Choice of Blonde, Brown or Black Hair. And Fair, Olive or Black Complexion.
Benefits:
Builds Muslim identity and self-esteem
Provides Islamic role model
Promotes Islamic behavior
Shapes interactive play”
By Razanne’s standards Maureen and Barbie (who is known to consort with Ken, even though he does not have a willie) are little better than tarts.
March 9th, 2007 at 1:46 pmFurther to the above I wonder of there would be a market for dolls of other religions. The Catholic version of Action Man could, for example, have a Christian Brother outfit and a leather strap as an accessory. The Catholic Barbie could be named Concepta, Imelda or some such. Similarly, Anglican, Rastafarian, Scientology ect. dolls could have features that identify the religions of the parents of the unfortunate children who would be expected to play with them…
March 9th, 2007 at 2:32 pmFustar said:
“…and the worst I ever did was put Action Man’s trousers on the wrong way round.”
That must have been uncomfortable for you…
March 9th, 2007 at 4:53 pmIthaca,
Welcome back. Aren’t there already Catholic dolls? I seem to recall my sisters (or possibly my granny) having dolls in first holy communion dresses though I may be wrong (or delirious).
I’d quite like to get an 80s male confirmation doll. He’d have a jacket with rolled up sleeves, spiky hair, white leather shoes, and a wad of notes clasped in his right hand.
March 9th, 2007 at 7:11 pmI do not remember dolls in first communion dresses - at least my sisters did not have any…
As for your description of the 1980’s confirmation suit I was in the Middle East in those years so I do not remember the fashions, but the thought occurs to me that Brendan Behan’s confirmation suit might not have looked out of place…
March 9th, 2007 at 8:52 pmGetting back to the delectable Maureen, I suspect that she may be very popular in Cavan, Monaghan and those parts of Northern Ireland where ‘Culchie and Western’ reigns supreme. She looks like an anorexic wannabee Dolly Parton… I can almost hear the nasal whine and the accompanying electric guitars… “You took my love and left me high and dry” seem like suitable words for a song sung by Maureen…
March 9th, 2007 at 10:07 pmShe defintely has a “Country ‘n’ Irish” quality to her. One can almost picture her opening for Philomena Begley, or being a backing singer for Big Tom & the Mainliners.
March 10th, 2007 at 4:12 pm