Manky Toy Monday: Special Police
The year: 2016 A.D.
The Place: New York City
For almost 30 years the city's zero tolerance policy has kept a lid on the forces of crime, vice and depravity that once overwhelmed it. That is, until now…
It is the 2nd decade of the 21st century and the lid is lifting. A new breed of criminal has emerged: highly organised, genetically modified, utterly brutal and merciless. Once again the city knows fear…gripping it like the gripping hands of a mad strangler.
In response to the continued public outcry, Mayor McGarnagle has pledged to take action. A new force is to be established. A maverick, highly-trained and deadly force. Upholding the law, but operating at its very fringes. This force is to be know as…Special Police!!
To help them in their crusade against the forces of evil they are to be provided with the very latest in state of the art weaponry and equipment. Here is their kit:
Item 1: Binoculars.
"Special Police" Protocol, Step 1: Establish visual contact with the suspect(s).
Studies indicate that most successful arrests occur after some form of visual contact with a suspect has been established. In other words, it is important.
Admittedly, this early prototype has a few kinks that may need to be ironed out. Early trials suggest that solid plastic binoculars without openings at either end may prove less effective as crime-fighting tools than those with holes and lenses. Also, at some stage of production someone has attached a sticker bearing the word "Telescope" to the object. This is somewhat confusing.
Item 2: A Pink Whistle.
"Special Police" Protocol, Step 2: Blow the whistle.
Research has shown that a shrill blast from a pink whistle is very slightly more likely (than whistles of any other colour) to make criminals momentarily interrupt their criminal activity. Nobody knows exactly why.
Item 3: Walkie-Talkie.
"Special Police" Protocol, Step 3: Alert other members of "Special Police" to the criminal activity taking place.
Again (due to cutbacks brought on by the ongoing global recession) the current version of the "Special Police" communication device is lacking some of the features (wires, transistors etc) one would normally associate with such technology. We have found, however, that shouting very loudly can often achieve much the same result. And at a fraction of the price.
Item 4: Standard Issue Revolver.
"Special Police" Protocol, Step 4: Use revolver to discharge bullets in the suspect's direction.
If the suspect does not immediately surrender upon hearing the pink whistle, it may become necessary to engage in actions of a terminally fatal nature, i.e. shooting the suspect several times in the head. Unfortunately the current model has a non-operational trigger/firing mechanism. In the event that a "Special Police" officer finds him/herself in the field with such a weapon we suggest sneaking up on the suspect and smashing them over the head with it. Note: This stealthy manoeuvre may have been compromised somewhat by the earlier blowing of the pink whistle.
Item 5: A Hand Grenade
"Special Police" Protocol, Step 5: Utter destruction of the suspect.
If, after steps 1-4 have been completed, successful apprehension of the suspect has still not been achieved then it becomes necessary to proceed to the final option: spectacular explosive terminality, i.e. throwing the grenade at the individual and trying to blow them up. Again, we have had some teething problems with this device. If (as seems likely) it proves ineffective as an explosive, we suggest throwing the object very hard at the suspect's face.
That completes the weaponry/equipment inventory. "Special Police", we put our trust in you. Reclaim our streets. Make us proud. Go "Special Police"!!
Closing Thoughts…
What has always fascinated me about stuff like the above is that someone, somewhere, had to conceive it, design the packaging etc, etc. It didn't (as you might think) simply pop into existence in some "2 Euro shop" warehouse. Someone actually had to spend time thinking about the production of it. Amazing.
It's a bit like music for adverts. Take the soft-rock-tastic Centra song for example. Again, someone actually sat down and wrote the lyrics. Someone went into a recording studio and performed/recorded it. What was going through their heads at the time? What inspired them to emote so passionately for Centra?
As to the inspiration for the "Special Policeman" on the above box: he looks to be an amalgam of Jake Gyllenhaal and Lee Majors. Donnie Darko meets The Fall Guy…via China.
Who are these people? Where do they work? How much do they get paid? These are the kind of issues "Manky Toy Monday" is beginning to throw up. Questions about the mysteries of the creative process & the mechanisms and ethics of international trade.
March 12, 2007
18 responses to Manky Toy Monday: Special Police
Perhaps they have the extra weapons because they’re “special” police… Like Ironside.
Drat, foiled again.
The private army of criminals that I’ve genetically engineered in my lab have but one weakness; the shrill sound generated by pink whistles – there’s some property distinct to the colour pink that alters sound waves in such a way as to melt their brains.
Interestingly, blue whistles have the effect of inducing them to do squats.
My colleague, Dr Popadopoulos, and I have endless fun with this.
p.s. has that cop got a price on his head?
Yes that cop does have a price sticker on his head. It reads 1.49…which is pretty cheap even for such merchandise.
The shop also had, for the same price, a cowboy equivalent called “Cowboy Western”. A drawing of Viggo Mortensen in a Stetson adorned the front cover. It was quite marvellous, but “Special Cops” just had the edge.
Forgot to mention…
I wanted to buy (for this week’s MTM) a rather natty boxed set called “Police Vs. Gangsters” but, alas, it was well outside the 2 Euro budget. Anybody who frequents these shops will probably have seen it around.
The police are armed to the teeth and uncompromising looking. The gangsters have hockey masks, chainsaws and (I think) rocket launchers. Talk about crime runnin’ wild. It’s as if the two forces (the police and the gangsters) are looked in a perpetual, apocalyptic struggle for dominance – with the ante being continually upped.
Next stop: All out nuclear warfare.
Who ever did the designing didn’t spend too big slice of their working day for this particular product..
Police vs. Gangsters sounds intriguing, I’d love to see what kind of play that sort of paraphernalia induce when you run all the mad-sounding elements through a child’s flying imagination?
Hahahahaha…..A feckin grenade!! People blame film on creating evil, malicious children who go around killing things and generally acting evil…Well I say its the “Special Cops”.
lauranen,
While it’s undoubtedly true that not much time was spent on it, the fact that any time at all was spent designing and making it (and things like it) is what I find fascinating. I wonder if there’s much money in this lark? How much must each unit cost the shop if they can retail it at 1.49 Euro? Answer: Not very much at all. What must the factory workers get paid? Am I contributing (in my own small way) to exploitation? Gah!
“Police vs. Gangsters” is another product of that strange cultural melange that is the American city seen through Asian eyes. Many “beat em’ up” video games of the 80s and early 90s have a similar feel: gang members straight out of The Warriors, burning cars, chainmail fences, graffiti, copious violence & lawlessness, muscular kung-fu-kickin’ heroes etc. I don’t know why, but I’ve always found it slightly upsetting…
Dave,
The grenade was what clinched it for me. And the pink whistle of course. It’s the mark of a particularly dangerous urban environment when the police (albeit the “special” ones) are issued with hand grenades as standard.
I wonder how much of this tat do the 2 Euro shops sell? And who buys it? I certainly would not have rated it when I was a kid and I would have despised any adult who would have given me such rubbish. The cop is kinda cute, though – I particularly like the dimple on his chin…
By the way, what do you do with your manky toys when you have written about them? I do hope that you are keeping them all to be exhibited in future in the Fustar Manky Toy Museum…
Ithaca,
I’m sure they sell a lot. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be springing up all over the place. The mark-up is probably huge, despite the modest retail price.
As for who buys this stuff (apart from me)…well, I have noticed common threads in terms of clientele but I don’t really feel comfortable going into details. The reason is that whatever I write would (despite my best efforts and against my will) inevitably sound snooty or disparaging. I don’t want that and I find that kind of thing nauseating. Does that make any sense?
As for the ultimate fate of the Manky Toys, I actually made this vow in the original post:
Now I’m not so sure. My wife suggests saving them up and offering them as a raffle prize for next year’s blog awards. But who would want to win ‘em?
Perhaps they could be awarded to the creator of the worst verse of the year – ‘Archipelagic icicles’ springs to mind and given that the person in question is a self-proclaimed ‘neo-Luddite’ he would not be put off by the low-tech nature of the toys…
More seriously, if as you say the mark up for the tat shops is huge, I wonder if anybody in China makes anything out of them. Not the unfortunates on the production line, we can be sure, but maybe production of this sort of stuff is a stage a developing economy has to go through… When I was a kid, manky toys often came from Japan – indeed the legend ‘made in Japan’ was associated in most people’s mind with cheap low quality merchandise. It is hard to believe now, but that was before such brand names as Toyota, Hitachi, Yamaha etc. became household names.
Again I’d imagine that whoever controls “the means of production” (said he in a booming Marxist voice) must be making a fair few bob. I’ve no idea how this kind of thing works in China. Is it only notionally a communist country now? Is it heading for a sort of authoritarian neo-capitalism? Who ultimately benefits from the production of Manky Toys? Answer me that and a mail order PhD in economics shall be yours.
Interesting point. There’s a nice scene in Back to the Future 3 (I think it is) where the Doc says something like: “No wonder this machine broke, all the parts are made in Japan!”, to which Marty replies, “What’re you talking about Doc? All the best stuff is made in Japan”.
Wasn’t “made in Taiwan” once a similar shorthand for crapness?
I think Jess is absolutely right, they would go down a storm at the blog awards. You could wrap them in that wrapping paper that you can see through, the kind that has footballs and trucks on the boys paper and pink flowers on the girls (I know they have a great selection in World of Wonder in the Crescent)
I’d probably have to fight the beaut.ie girls for Maureen though!!
Hey fustar! I am tagging you mate. Sorry bout that but blame Sandy. Check her site to see what you have to do http://sandrabrowne.blogspot.com/.Good luck with it, its fun
I was already thus tagged, Dave. Many moons ago:
http://www.fustar.org/2006/01/06/me-and-my-meme/
Maz,
Cheap see-through wrapping paper and raffle prizes it is then.
Also, “World of Wonder” never quite lived up to its billing for me…
Oh and Maureen shall be the prize for best dressed female, so get working on that frock.
Thanks, that was a fun read. Let me know if its ok to use it as a link from idiot’s next post.
Knock yourself out, Dave.