Manky Toy Monday: The Owl Can Produce a Sound
As promised, I have returned from Venice with a Venetian manky toy in tow, though it took a fair amount of concerted effort to find anything suitable. If coloured glass and porcelain masks are your thing then La Serenissima serves your needs admirably and abundantly. If you're an avid collector of low-quality, low-cost toys, however, it might be best to think of alternative destinations for your summer hols.
It was actually on our final afternoon, while ambling through Campo Santa Margherita, that I finally spotted a shop where the factory-made masks and assorted geegaws had been shunted aside to make way for some rather terrible toys.
After a detailed browse I was about to opt for a set of crappy, non-swashbuckling, plastic pirates when Jess spotted today's offering. At first glance it appeared little more than another dull gun game set, with which cheapo shops (the world over) are liberally stocked. Second, third and fourth glances, however, revealed riches that couldn't be ignored.
We'll come to those in a moment. The first order of business is to acknowledge the care and attention lavished on my modest purchase by the shop's keeper. Upon handing over the object she asked me a question I didn't understand in Italian. My tactic in such situations is to gamble on a "yes" in the local lingo and see what happens. The result of my affirmative answer can be seen below.
It was almost a shame to rip up and rip open such a fine wrapping job…but it had to be done. Behold the contents:
As suggested above, first impressions may provoke shrugs of shoulders and exclamations of "So what?". Look closer though, look closer. The mankiness is (as ever) in the details, and the details are hilarious.
First up is a bold claim:
The power is matchless? Hmmm…perhaps I've been turned into a battle-hardened old cynic by all this manky toy investigative journalism, but I had my doubts. Four brand new AA batteries later and a better slogan suggested itself:
The power is absent!
Well the burglar guy you're supposed to shoot with matchless power did, in fairness, laugh menacingly a few times but he soon gave up. The gun, emblazoned with the macho phrase "Happy Baby" (see above), never even farted half-heartedly into life…
Despite this rather depressing result we're assured that the item is, in fact, "the latest to appear on [sic] market":
Taking notice of the helpful instructions, "Shoot the infared ray, and in the clout the target", I tried again. Not a peep. Perhaps I wasn't doing it right. I glanced once more at the box, only to find it roaring impatiently: "TARGET IN THE CLOUT!"
By now my failure to locate the "clout" was becoming embarrassing…
Flipping over the box for clues on how to continue I was confronted by the following alarming image. Bird lovers are advised to look away:
We're now moving into (evocative and intriguing) cryptic crossword territory: "Beating the Inside Target"?, "The Eye Give Out Light?"
And look at the face on that kid! He's "beating the inside target" with demented and perverse joy.
Let's allow our eyes to travel further down the box…
After blowing the legs off a defenseless owl our manic little friend turns his attention to those other great foes of Venice (and mankind): Pirates!
A cry (honouring our hero) goes up around a grateful and relieved city:
The pirate were beaten the inside to can call!
Hoorah! Their glass and porcelain masks are safe once more. Maybe the power is matchless after all, despite my continued inability to unleash it…
April 2, 2007
18 responses to Manky Toy Monday: The Owl Can Produce a Sound
Please photoshop the child beating the inside target of something new every week.
I’d like to see him go toe to toe with Resevoir Willie and beat his inside target while the eye give out light!
C – Excellent idea. I invite all readers to do the same. I’ll link to a larger image (from one of the above) to facilitate anyone who fancies a crack.
I love the touch of the safety earmuffs on the kid’s head. The implication is that the bang or zap from the gun/laser will be prodigious. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’d need superhuman hearing to even detect the tiny dull rubbing noise you get from pulling the trigger.
By the way, is “TARGET IN THE CLOUT!” some sort of military expression…like “FIRE IN THE HOLD!”?
You must have been distracted by the perfume of some tulips when you first heard that phrase for it is not “fire in the hold”, but “fire in the hole”.
I’m finding it difficult to parse “TARGET IN THE CLOUT”. Unless “Target In” means something like “concentrate”.
But then that doesn’t make sense when one compares it with the previous syntax “shoot the infrared ray and in the clout the target”.
But that’s the only thing that doesn’t make sense.
This Manky Toy’s packaging is very All Your Base Are Belong To Us, by the way.
All your Taoisigh are belong to us.
Fantastic! the best toy yet. Are pirates and Owls a particular problem in Venice? What a bizarre coupling. Perhaps the burglar would increase his chances of escaping the clutches of ‘Happy Baby’ if he wasn’t wearing a colostomy bag and a large red tracking device. It hardly seems fair.
It certainly is. It has much the same flavour and will hopefully spawn an internet meme as viral. That kid will be attending conventions before the craze abates.
Devo, We were only in Venice 3 nights but in that time I saw several infants carried off by rabid-looking owls. I can still hear the parents scream…
The owls headed in the direction of the open Adriatic, doubtless to hand (or claw) the infants over to their evil, child slave-trading, pirate masters.
I had supposed that the word CLOUT was being used here in the same context as “I gave him a good clout across the headâ€? but apparently according to our good friends at Dictionary.com CLOUT can also refer to “the mark or target shot at in Archery, especially in long-distance shootingâ€? or “a shot that hits the markâ€?. Bearing this in mind perhaps the box’s insistence that you “TARGET IN THE CLOUT!â€? is a little clearer.
“TARGET IN THE MARK TYPICALLY SHOT AT IN ARCHERY!� might have been more appropriate although it is disappointingly less catchy. As for the rest of the text on the box I have no logical explanation.
‘Happy Baby’ sounds vaguely Schwarznegger.
Zoidberg, But if that’s true then isn’t the message “TARGET IN THE TARGET”? All your explanation are belong to unhelpfulness.
Ithaca, It’s a bit Jimmy Cagney too.
“See what it says on my gun here? ‘Happy Baby’! That’s what the fellas call me, see. But trust me mac, this baby ain’t never been licked by no one!”
The sentence “Target (v – imperative) the target (n)” is not only perfectly, but wonderfully grammatical. In actual fact.
I wonder if when beaten the inside to can call the Taoiseach can produce a sound and the eye give out light? I suppose it depends on whether or not he is the inside target…
Fustar, watching infants being carried off by owls is one of the most pleasing experiences one can have in Venice. I have many happy memories of watching the spectacle and it is particularly romantic when watched from a cafe on the Riva degli Schiavoni at sunset while sipping a glass of prosecco. If one goes to the Lido one can often see the pirate ships on the horizon and if one watches very carefully one can see the infants being dropped by the owls into large nets suspended from the rigging.
I can imagine Bryan Dobson reading that headline out on the news…
“A small child today was caught on camera beating the inside target of the Taoiseach. According to witnesses Mr Ahern produced a sound and the eye gave out light.
When asked why he did it, the child told investigating gardaà that the ‘Taoiseach were beaten the inside to can call’. However before he could be questioned further an owl grabbed him and flew him out to sea to a waiting pirate ship en route from Venice.
Opposition spokepersons were quick to point out this was indicative of the Governments failings on the control of gun crime and a failure to provide proper supports for the development of grammatical language to children from disadvantaged backgrounds.”
…Imagine it in a ‘Dobbo’ voice…
Celtic T, Great stuff entirely. I can all too well imagine it.
I think Zoidberg’s on the right track with ‘clout’ having something to do with a target.
Personally, I’m going for a sight (like a crosshairs)
As in: Get the target in your sights, and shoot the infrared ray.
In the syntax “shoot the infrared ray and in the clout the target”, I suspect ‘and’ is used in a similar fashion to ‘agus’ as Gaeilge, which can also be used to mean ‘while’.
So, we’re onto “Shoot the infrared ray while the target is in your sights”
Collaborative translation… how Web 2.0
Apparently Happy Baby, while highly effective against pirates and owls, is next to useless on ninjas.
Great post. I have a ton of ropey toys that I’m going to post some day, seriously I’ve dozens. Just cant pass a Pound shop with buying something crap
Look forward to it. It was your fake lego ranting that partially inspired MTM after all.
When’s your 2000 AD debut by the way?