Manky Toy Monday: 5 Schnurrbarte
Ah, yes…another glorious Monday on the banks of the Shannon. From where I lie all I can hear are birds a-twittering, lawnmowers a-mowing and insects a-buzzing…
I'm only relying on auditory prompts however for (like a pale, wan, consumptive Victorian child) I'm cuddled and huddled up in bed with the curtains drawn. While everyone else enjoys the fruits of global warming I lay here smothered and suffo-ma-cated with a bitch of a cold. So it goes…
As is my wont on such days I have forsaken the morning shave. Though such a move may lend other men a smouldering and rugged look, it does little for me other than make me look considerably sicker. It's the source of some regret that I've never been able to produce decent quantities of facial hair…the main problem being that I have a significant amount of cheek space where the stuff just won't grow.
Previous (half-hearted) attempts to cultivate a proper beard have ended with me looking like a demented cross between a 19th Century gent and a gay biker. Needless to say, this was not the intended effect. I seem to be cursed with a gene that steers me along beardy paths I dare not tread. When left untended the hair sweeps down from the sideburns before changing direction and shooting back toward the upper lip. The space between this area and the chin remains (however long I leave it) baby's bottom-like.
Those well-versed in the technical lingo of facial hair growth will probably have recognised that I'm naturally inclined towards the "A la Souvarov" or the "Franz-Josef":
All of this is simply by way of protracted introduction to today's manky object. While it's not a toy, in the strictest sense, it was discovered in the toy section of William Street's "Euro 2″ shop, so that's good enough for me. Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce "5 Moustaches":
It's the perfect gift for a child with a fluid, or insecure, sense of identity. Today he's "The Hollywood", tomorrow "The Hero". On bad-tempered, tantrum-filled afternoons he becomes "The Bruiser". When chaos and lawlessness threaten the household he slips on "The Sheriff". Forced to come to terms with the death of an aged relative he assumes the role of "The (late) Granpa". Forget transformers, "5 Moustaches" allows you to transform yourself.
The packaging and presentation are (somehow) evocative of dadaist/surrealist art. I know Marcel Duchamp playfully defaced the Mona Lisa (by giving her a moustache) but I have visions/memories of another piece (possibly by Magritte) which bore more than a passing resemblance to today's offering. Ceci n'est pas une Schnurrbarte, perhaps?
Back I go to my sick bed and my feverish dreams.
April 16, 2007
12 responses to Manky Toy Monday: 5 Schnurrbarte
“It’s the perfect gift for a child”. My arse, PLEASE send me a set of 5 moustaches. They are, quite frankly, the best things i have ever seen! I too am not (brian) blessed in the beard growing dept. However, i am at the moment atempting to cultivate one for the good of scientific research, safe in the knowledge that just before i shave it off i will leave one huge ‘sheriff’ moustache. Still, 5 removable one would be far more practical. Do they do beards aswell?
devo, No beards alas, but I’ll send a set of moustaches to you as soon as I get a chance.
Perhaps you could then send us snaps of your good self wearing them in various locations/situations? I’d be particularly keen to see if “The Hollywood” gets you into exclusive celeb hang outs in Cardiff (assuming there are any).
That’s a deal!
I’ll have three gross of them, please.
devo, email me your address and they shall be yours.
Bock, I don’t do bulk orders. Off with you down to William St to buy them yourself. Mention my name for a 10% discount (or, perhaps, a punch in the face).
I wonder do they make sideburns to go along with them – in for a penny and all that.
Reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer’s exact double “Guy Incognito” arrived in to Moe’s Tavern sporting “The Hollywood”.
This may surprise you, but I have one of those moustaches, seriously, the Bocks at the Blog awards, thought that I’d be able to remove the paper from the back to reveal the sticky part (because I had nails). I failed in my task and forgot to return said moustache, if I had known you needed it, I could loaned it to you and saved you the 40c.
I’ve never understood what kind of thought process leads to growing a ‘tacher. “I’m gonna be cool like Magnum PI, Freddie Mercury and Cab drivers.”
I mean, i’ve let my facial hair get out of hand from time to time but never thought a big clump on it’s own, slap bang in the middle of my mush would be a good idea.
Ladies, do any of ye like a good thatched upper lip or wha ?
Careful now.
Conortje, No sideburns as far as I know. The market obviously demands ‘taches and nothing but.
Rocket, I recall the episode in question and a good wan it was. “The Hollywood” does indeed look as phoney as Guy Incognito’s facial adornment. Perhaps further releases will feature a “Fake Moustache” style of…er…fake moustache.
Maz, Loaned? Would you not have simply given it to me? The fact that you’d want it returned suggests you have a need for such a thing. Do you play the villain in the local panto or something?
derfen, Magnum, I mean Tom Selleck, is the only person in the last 60 years or so to really carry off a moustache convincingly. So even though the “looking good with a ‘tache” failure rate is astronomical, Mr. Selleck’s grooviness continues to inspire hopeless and hapless copycats.
Tom Selleck doesn’t look right WITHOUT a moustache.