Posted by fústar in 
Back when Manky Toy Monday was but a weak and mewling infant I suggested (by way of a partial mission statement) that:
Special attention will be paid to those delightfully crappy knock-offs and pastiches of established brands. For every Star Wars action figure, after all, there is a shadowy (and mega-lame) Galaxy Battles doppelgänger. For every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle there is a distant and embarrassing cousin: let’s call him Kung-Fu Newt.
That was almost one year to the day ago (tomorrow is MTM's official birthday). How many 2 Euro Star Wars knock-offs have I seen since then? None in Limerick. Nor in Galway. Nor in Dublin. None, even, in Venice. Not a single one…anywhere.
Given that 2 Euro shops are (as I have learned) fairly accurate "fad barometers" (or bad farometers) this absence seems to suggest that the Star Wars universe is no longer deemed that floggable. The lumpy plastic Lukes and Chewbaccas (there were always Chewies) that once lined the shelves of such establishments have been shunted aside to make way for Spider-Man products by the shit-load. Spidey, it seems, is the new black, with every young fella I know loving the lord of the webslingers to the point of near obsession.
I'm not sure exactly when this mass clear-out of Galaxy Battles – I mean Star Wars – merchandise actually happened. Was it around the time kids were being encouraged to buy Jar-Jar beanie babies and Rugor Nass1 sleeping bags? If so, a question begs itself: Did George Lucas create a series of prequels so bankrupt that even the Manky Toy-mongers deserted him?
Whatever the case may be we should be thankful for The Star Wars Collector's Archive and, in particular, its fantabulous "Bootlegs" page. The fact that Manky Toy Monday had not 'touched base' with it before is a source of shame and regret (though I'm exceedingly grateful to Niall Munnelly for pointing me in its direction). It really is a delicious cornucopia of the bad, the worse, and the "so bad it's better than the original". I've never previously allowed anything into this series that I didn't hold in my own sweaty hands but these are just too good (i.e. bad) to ignore.
First up – Logray, the Ewok medicine man (bought, the archive tells us, "somewhere in South America"). That's what he's supposed to look like on the left. The bootleg (as you may have guessed) is on the right.
The author of the entry (a Ron Salvatore) offers a summary of Bootleg Logray that's almost impossible to surpass, describing him as "a half-rotten banana with gray mashed potatoes heaped on top". He doesn't, however, mention the impression given by the clear plastic bag and the (ecstatic) open-mouthed expression on Logray's face. A definite suggestion of auto-erotic Ewok asphyxiation gone wrong methinks.2
Let us move on promptly to these magnificent early Dutch gems, sold (apparently) before official merchandise was available in the Netherlands:
That Chewbacca may well be one of the greatest objects ever hewn from rubber or plastic. If they had a crap Waxwork Museum on Kashyyyk then an 8-foot version of this would be on display in the lobby "honouring" its favourite son. The Stormtrooper looks like a down-on-his-luck Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (tapping change from passers-by) while the Vader is…surprisingly accurate, though he appears to have ditched the traditional lightsaber and gone for a more low-tech solution to killing and dismemberment.
Another Jedi opting for a less noisy blade is Vader Jr. – Mexican Luke Skywalker.
Aside from the fact that it's got the most delightful backing card I've ever seen, this classic bit of mankiness manages to knock-off not one, but two fantasy/sci-fi universes. Yes fan-boys and girls, it's "The Sword of Omens" – more usually the property of the Lord of the Thundercats. I wouldn't mind but the Luke on the card (not 3 centimetres away) is wielding a lightsaber.
Possibly my favourite page on the archive is one featuring a motley crew of Mexican Vaders (reflecting the enduring appeal of masked baddies perhaps). Here's but a taste:
Everything about the "Darth" second from left is just hilarious – his puny frame, his awkward posture, his over-tight trousers (and protruding groin), his ineffective looking black club (etc). He looks mortified – as if he'd been dressed (hurriedly) by his mum.
Truly a golden age of mankiness. Its like will (thanks, in part, to the joyless party-poopers from EU consumer affairs) never be seen again.
My favorite thing about the Dutch Chewbacca is his exasperated “What? What???” expression.
“There’s also a hint of “You wanna piece of me?!”
O, and also that he’s a Yeti. The hell.
youtube.comyoutube.comYup, he’s straight out of Bluff Creek – minus the swinging boobs:
If any Word Press heads know how I can stop part of a url appearing at the head of each comment that includes a link (see above) then please let me know. It’s most annoying.
The second-from-the-left Vader looks like his wearing a wastepaper basket on his head. Actually, I saw a Jackie Chan flick once which featured a guy who wore a wastepaper basket on his head throughout. He was pretty deadly too. I think he was called something like Basket Head. I wish I could remember the title.
What I like about the mexican Luke is the way the artwork on the backing card starts quite detailed at the top (impressive Vader) and gradually gets less good as you go down… as if the factory master showed the toddlers in his charge how to copy the film poster by doing Vader, Chewie and a bit of Ben Kenobi and then let them at it for themselves… but then, faces are always tricky.
As I remember it, the original Mattel Darth Vader action figure had feet which were too close together. He would have taken tiny mincing little steps. Mank!
graylien, Not seen the Jackie Chan flick in question but it’s a splendid idea for a superhero comic. He could be a mild-mannered office drone who springs into action whenever anyone’s dangling from a 10th storey window ledge (etc) by popping a basket on his head. That’s it. No other disguise. No special powers. Just a basket on his head and the extra self-belief that gives him.
Daragh, Factory masters worth their salt never slack off or go easy with the whip. Perhaps he simply worked the original artists to early graves, replacing them with less talented (cheaper) lads and lassies.
Darwin, the original Darth was indeed pretty manky in its own right. Too skinny, too (as you point out) feet-close-together-y. Only with his cloak was he even passably intimidating, though most children I knew seemed to have lost this early on – revealing his scrawniness to a disappointed world.
I used to be such a fan of Star Wars and had a huge collection of action figures but never like any of these – weird…
Kenner! Mattel gave us Master of the Universe, whose bad guy was suitably scary {and maybe a little camp, in hindsight}, as long as you didn’t watch the cartoons.
Evil, thwarted by its own boobery. The aul’ Skeletor treatment.
Also, Mexican Vaders would be a fantastic band name.
For further (and even more irritating) examples of this see Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (as they were known on this side of the pond – no ninjas please).
Shredder looked like a badass but he was constantly defeated by his henchmen (Bee Bop and Rocksteady) getting their belts cut. Down would fall their trousers and down would tumble their ‘evil’ schemes.