What does one do on a miserable Sunday such as this (a Sunday dragged straight from the depths of Satan's arse)? Watch DVDs? Check. Waste an hour or two playing the Wii? Check. Idly flick through the thousands of comic covers at coverbrowser.com? Check once again.
Though I wish it were otherwise, the vast majority of the images on Cover Browser relate to stories I shall never get the opportunity to read. In some ways, however, this doesn't matter a great deal - for very few of the tales could measure up to the vivid brilliance of their associated covers.
In this they call to mind the diabolically brilliant mendacity of those back page adverts one used to find in American comics of yore. How many children, upon receiving their long-desired X-Ray Specs in the post, must have sobbed & thought (after a cursory examination of the contents), "This is a cruel and terrible world!"? Thus was learned a harsh but essential lesson, namely, that life frequently delights in kicking you in the face. So it goes…
Anyway, here follows a selection of smashing covers.
A classic childhood situation. You're in your bedroom and a knock comes on the door.
"Billy, what are you doing in there?"
"Summoning monsters from the beyond. Leave me alone!"
"Alright son, no need to bite my head off. Are you sure you know how to make them disappear?"
"Yes!! God…you've no faith in me. Go away!"
10 minutes later the house is in ruins and your grandparents have been devoured.
"Look, I said I was sorry…OK!"
Though I'm desperate to know what has led Barry to become "The Man Who Hated His Hair!", I respect his privacy enough not to pry further. Doubtless it's something unutterably terrible…perhaps involving demonic dandruff that whispers to him in his sleep ("They're all laughing at your flaky scalp, Barry. Kill them. Kill them all!"). Whatever the case, his set jaw indicates that he's bearing it all with a grim & stoic determination.
Good man, Barry.
Despite having read my fair share of jingoistic war comics, DC's Blitzkrieg ("Searing Battle Sagas of World War 2 As Seen Through Enemy Eyes!") had managed to escape my notice until today. It appears to have only lasted 5 issues - indicating, perhaps, that the appetite for preternaturally evil "Krauts" was on the wane in late-1970s America.1
"Hugo" is about as unambiguously malevolent a German soldier as one could wish to avoid. Not only does he gleefully riddle some "Tommy" corpses with machine-gun fire ("So what?? It is good target practice!"), but he also takes a dim view of merciful attitudes toward civilians:
Gott in Himmel! What a bastard.
Ah yes, the classic "Mistaken Identity" technique - much used by desperate, lonely stalkers everywhere. Despite dozens of "B-But I'm N-Not Bonnie!" rejections the determined degenerate hopes that someone, someday, will feel his embrace tighten around her waist and think "You know what? Maybe I could be Bonnie!".
P.S: Speaking of comics, there was a most enjoyable Roy of the Rovers piece (by Miguel Delaney) in today's Sunday Tribune. Well-researched, affectionate in tone and unapologetic. A rare thing to see (on such a subject) in d'papers. Oh and he even mentioned this here blog and my discussion of RotR's Matrix-esque "bullet time".
- It survived well into the 1980s in the UK. [back]
‘The Man who hated his hair’ looks like a cautionary tale about vanity and the perils of spending to much time ‘waxing the barnet’ in front of the mirror. No doubt the ‘hair of Hades’ took on a life of its own and destroyed everyone he ever loved (probably involving strangulation).
March 30th, 2008 at 8:06 pmThough it does seem Barry was allowed to keep his fashionable soul patch which does throw the whole thing into question.
oh, and the worst album covers section at coverbrowser.com are a treat, though they don’t yet include the new Ted Nugent album ‘love grenade’ a.k.a smell the glove.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:11 pmHm. Hugo was no Enemy Ace, I’ll tell ya.
I can sympathise with Barry, though. I’ve shaved my head a few times because I hated my hair. I get the impression that it’s a little more personal and less “I’ve been drinking, where are the clippers!!!”, though.
March 30th, 2008 at 10:19 pmdevo,
I personally think he looks better “shaven” (which seems to me a rather odd-sounding adjective/past participle). He’s joining the ranks of other cool comic slapheads like Professor X and Lex Luthor. It’s not a leading man look ’tis true, but he’ll make a killing as a devious and urbane European baddie.
Niall,
“Enemy Ace” looks a work of genius. I can’t believe (yet again) that I’ve never read it. That DC reprint has gone right to the top of my wants list.
March 30th, 2008 at 10:53 pmdevo,
RE: The album covers, these are two of my favourites.
What’s Next? What indeed. A descent into obscurity? Being trampled to death?
Is that guy a goodie and is this his triumph over evil? Or is he the last man standing of the evil brigade whom we are about to slay? And who burned the city in the background? Questions, questions…
March 30th, 2008 at 11:06 pmFústar, perhaps we, the consumers, are evil, and yer man’s going to kill us. O dear.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:39 amAlso, you can trace Enemy Ace’s fall from grace as his title runs out of gas. When the costumed monomaniacs start rolling in, the best part of the show’s typically over. I don’t think it can get much worse than a cover with Hammer shooting at Batman as the Detective leaps from a Sopwith Camel.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pmThe hysterical address to the readers of Enemy Ace is genius.
READERS! Why do you insist the human killing machine kill again?!
Readers?! Readers….?
Yes. The blood lust was upon the clamouring ten year olds and they would not listen to reason even if it meant death to the allied fliers!
April 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pmIn a fair and just reality, Enemy Ace would have been popular enough to star in adverts.
Enemy Ace: Mein Gott! Captain Britain is headed right for me! These Hostess Fruit Pies should slow him down!
Captain Britain: Enemy Ace! You’ve shot down your last noble son of Blighty, you - Hostess Fruit Pies!…
Well, you know how it goes.
April 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pmA basic rule of successful comics is that the protagonist is always the guy/gal you feel moved to root for. The creators of Enemy Ace were (I’m sure) fully aware of this and had to turn a blind eye to the young fellas baying for allied blood.
By way of contrast look at Blitzkrieg. It began and ended in the blink of a monocled eye - probably as a result of putting unsympathetic baddies front and centre.
April 1st, 2008 at 9:50 pmWell, they did dare to be different, betting perhaps that the intersection in the old Venn diagram of Donovan fans and Wehrmacht cheerleaders would prove sufficient to pay the bills. Those Donovan fans are an elusive bunch, though.
April 1st, 2008 at 11:19 pm