Though this vale of tears we call the world is plentifully stocked with bleak places and spaces - Abu Ghraib, Chernobyl, Auschwitz-Birkenau etc - the most dismal environment I've encountered was a sitting-room full of unemployed lads and lassies in Galway. The curtains were drawn (though the summer's day without was dazzling), the inhabitants - who were spectacularly stoned - sat slumped on couches in their pyjamas, and The Teletubbies was on the box. I felt like crying…
As if in by way of tribute to the relationship between Anne Wood's demented quartet and stoner culture, today's Manky Toy introduces us to some utterly smashed looking "Phoney-tubbies" (seen below shuffling through the rolling poppy fields of Phoney-tubbie-land):
"Phoney-tubbie" is, of course, my coinage. The makers of these little chaps having gone for the slightly less catchy (and slightly more bonkers) "Little Animal Telephone".
My "Little Animal" appears to be a knock-off of "Dipsy" (he of the black and white hat) - if, that is, Dipsy had been the subject of a 60s underground comic ("Dipsy the Dyspeptic"?) drawn by Robert Crumb.
His face: A ghastly pallor. His eyes: Two rancid eggs floating in pools of watery blood. Life as a humanoid telephone is obviously proving too freaky to bear.
Regular readers of this series will no doubt have noticed his kinship to the Spidey-Phone featured in last Christmas's Manky Toy Show (and subsequently given away at the 2008 Irish Blog Awards). Like Spidey, my little fella doubles up as a torch - a fact celebrated by the immortal (and baffling) words, "Nighttime a bankable actor".1
To ensure the bankability of the actor in question we're encouraged to "Install Two 'AA' Size Batteries", though we're cautioned that these are "(Not Included)". Mere millimetres below this apologetic admission, however, we find these yokes firmly attached:
Oh mama. As if the drug-crazed bug-eyedness of the "Little Animal" wasn't enough to guarantee value for money, we're treated to the delightful bonus of "free" bootleg batteries.
First glance suggests "Duracell". Second glance casts doubt on first glance. Third glance confirms "Dinaoell" (Super Extra).
Far out.
P. S: "Manky Toy Monday" will, from henceforth, no longer be exclusively restricted to Mondays. The Dreadful Thoughts Story Club has more or less claimed that day as its own so MTM shall now float freely (even though the name remains the same). Speaking of Dreadful Thoughts - don't forget that the next meeting is this Monday (April 7th), starting at 8 PM. Join us.
- He also makes the same maddening sounds (bleeps, woofs, 5 second bursts of shrill, tinny music etc). [back]
Rhesus H Christ, it’s the Hellatubbies, featuring Dipsy the Dystopic!
Great find. I can’t believe lightning struck twice with “Nighttime a bankable actor”, we can only pray for more.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:37 pmGiven that the “little baby sun” was featured on the Spidey-Phone packaging we shouldn’t be too surprised that there was a bankable Teletubbie actor out there waiting to be found.
This model’s torch function is a significant improvement on the Spidey version. The Dinaoeel batteries actually work perfectly (though I’m not sure how much they’ll live up to the “Super Extra” boast) and the torch is operated with a simple (yet robust) on/off switch.
They obviously learned their lessons from Spidey’s easily-broken cranked arm lever. A case of toys becoming (over time) slightly less manky.
April 6th, 2008 at 4:42 pmDude, Dipsy is totally stoned
April 7th, 2008 at 8:52 pmYou’re, like, so right, dude. That dude needs some serious help. Stoned, plastic, half-phone? The dude’s fucked up!
April 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm