As the "Dreadful Thoughts" club badges begin to wing their way around this wide world (i.e. Ireland) my thoughts have turned from the sunlit plains of munificence to the shadowy valleys of greed. I've enjoyed being a giver - but now it's time to take something (badge-shaped) back.
Midget Wrangler (spurred on by Damien Mulley) recently introduced us to the "Filthy" badge - a scarce and highly-desirable item awarded to those bloggers who've managed to plumb the depths (or should that be scale the heights?) of delicious dirtiness. What follows is my modest bid for this rare prize.
Though the universes of Star Trek, Buffy and Harry Potter (!) have been thoroughly probed and penetrated by writers of slash/adult fan fiction, there remain, I'm happy to say, some niche (and outré) areas of "fandom" that have yet to be fully explored. While, for instance, the Buffy section on (the indispensable) adultfanfiction.net bursts at its seams with over 3500 tales,1 the My Little Pony archive can boast but one sad, solitary entry - "Belle of the Ball Until Dawn Comes". Admittedly, this may be one more entry than you expected…
Getting it on for the titillation and entertainment of…I'm not sure who exactly,2 are the below pair - Twinkle Twirl (L) & Star Catcher (R):
While daylight hours no doubt find them prancing gaily about the fields and meadows of Ponyland, they're at play of a different sort once night falls:
"Star Catcher!" She breathed. "HARDER!" She panted in a breathy equine sort of way, shivering.
He thrust into her harder still, gasping as he did.. IN and OUT…. in and out… back and forth… faster and faster… "Oh! TWINKLE!" He called out heavily. "Twinkle Twirl… you're wonderful…!!!!!"
Hmmm. Though I may have forgotten (due to the nepenthean effects of passion), I don't think that I've ever called out - at the moment of climax - "Oh! [insert name here].. you're wonderful…!!!!!"
It's probably a (little) pony thing…as (unless I'm not doing 'it' right) is the panty, equine, breathy-shivering (not to mention the nibbling, biting and "loving head butts").
Given the tight shorts, moustaches, Hawaiian shirts, camp & arch Englishmen, purring & pistoning Ferrari engines (etc) - it's quite surprising that the adventures of Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV (et al) have not been more enthusiastically "slashed".
Again we find but one lone example, though that makes up for the general lack by giving us good 'n' juicy stuff. In "Peeping" we're introduced to two colourful (but fairly obvious) pairings - Rick/T.C. (I always suspected as much) and Magnum/Higgins (that bitchy, but affectionate, verbal sparring was a dead give-away). Kicking us off in gentle fashion is the former couple:
Rick stared at the broad back of his best friend and lover. Walking over, Rick wrapped his arm around his lover’s waist. Leaning over he rested his head on his beloved’s shoulder. Turning his head, he kissed his lover’s neck, then reached for his lover’s glass and drank the whiskey.
"Rick! Stop that."
"Sorry T.C…." Rick kissed T.C. again, "But I love to kiss you with whisky lips."
"And I love to taste you with whisky tongue."
All so well and so tender, but the motor is quickly revved up a few notches:
Using his strong hand, so gentle on the joystick of a copter, so firm on his lover's flesh. He caressed his lover’s cock, squeezing and massaging until he could feel his lover rocking and whining for T.C. to bring him off.
I'll never look at T.C.'s "chopper"…
…in quite the same way again…
One assumes that this intimate exchange is but the warm-up for the main event - the Magnum/Higgy bonkfest - but no. Their love act is but an afterthought and takes place entirely "off-screen". That doesn't, however, prevent the build-up from from being anything less than the stuff of high hilarity:
Magnum walked back to his brilliant red Ferrari and started the engine. Half way back to his cottage he called ahead to the house.
"Hello, Mildred?" Magnum said as Higgin’s [sic] wife answered.
"Yes?"
"Tell Higgy to go into the cottage and be naked, ass up when I get home. I’m about 15 minutes away."
That's it! The end! "Higgy" waits (forever), "ass up" and naked in the cottage. What happens next is left to our fertile & licentious imaginations. Lovers of explosive crescendos and "money shots" will, no doubt, feel somewhat teased and cheated.3
Badge, please.4
- And features one story ("My Own Demons") that lists the following perplexing - and mildly terrifying - codes in its summary: Abuse, Anal, Angst, AU/AR, BDSM, B-Mod, Bond, BP, DP, F/F, H/C, HJ, Humil, Language, MC, OC, Oral, Other, Preg, S&M, SH, Slave, SoloF, SoloM, Tort, Toys, Trans, UST, WAFF, WIP, Yuri. [back]
- What fetish, one wonders, is being catered for here? [back]
- And what's this with a Mrs. Higgins? I always thought (even before reading this) that Mr. H was a "man's man"…if you get my meaning. [back]
- I can't finish without mentioning a classic line from a Captain Scarlet/Captain Blue story - "Hush Adam, I feel the same way, you were just braver than me, I may be indestructible, but my heart isn't." Genius. [back]
I can’t help but associate Star Catcher and Twinkle Twirl with that opening scene from Walerian Borowczyk’s La Bete now, I’m damned if that’s not an improvement on all counts.
Can a fortnightly, Dreadful Thoughts-styled slash review be far behind? 500 feverish words should be a cinch for the DH raincoat brigade.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:12 pmFústar, you need a “pandering” tag, and you need to pander more. I haven’t stopped laughing since I read the Magnum’s conversation with Mildred.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:23 pmO, and this reminds me of the terrific Bush/Chirac episode, found here.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:54 pmOh That’s good…. did you know that I have a total fetish for my little Pony! I have all these T-Shirts!
Ok, you post has been noted and will be considered for the Filthy badge on Friday!
April 15th, 2008 at 10:16 pmMidge, I looked into my crystal ball of filth (actually an old bucket of fetid water out the back) and saw reflected your strange love of little ponies.
Surely I’m a shoo in now!
April 15th, 2008 at 10:55 pmniall, There’s actually some spiffy harpsichord music in the flashback, beast-bangin’ section of La Bete that would go down a treat on the Dreadful Thoughts mixtape. A shiny (little) pony for you if you can track it down (by Scarlatti I think).
Only problem is that I used to love harpsichord music…but now only associate it with giant, prosthetic cocks…
Oh and (I hope) this isn’t the end of the slash on this blog. I’ll squeeze it into a future project for sure.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:07 pmFound it! It’s going on - for a touch of goofiness and incongruity.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:21 amHm. I’ve never seen La Bete’s soundtrack before, but I know the scene you’re referring to was set to a Scarlatti sonata. Unfortunately, I don’t know which one, and the only Scarlatti stuff I have was performed on the piano. Sorry, old man, I’ll make it up to you with the next mixtape.
Speaking of which, we still have two free slots.
Edit, I guess I should have refreshed. Well done!
April 16th, 2008 at 12:40 amIt’s not an actual physical (sexual) love of the pony! More the kitsch that excites me, them and Rainbow bright!
I also had my first sexual thought about Magnum….all the men I seemed to fixate on as a preteen turned out to be gay.
Anyhoo, off I pop!
April 16th, 2008 at 9:59 amThat’s a relief! Although, each to their own (whatever floats your boat) etc.
One of mine was about The Fall Guy’s Heather Locklear - who, as far as I know, has not yet outed herself as gay. I wasn’t aware Tom Selleck had either!
April 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pmOh, good work Fústar. I love the frisky pony pics, and Magnum, well, of course. I love ‘I love to kiss you with whiskey lips’ - I look forward to the next act, with Magnum himself, kissing with whiskery lips!
Also, Pat Kenny and DJ Rick slash? Good God!
April 16th, 2008 at 8:08 pmThank you - I feared no one else thought that a terrific, long-overdue idea.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:35 pmThanks Jo.
Though it now seems almost sacrilegious to suggest it (akin, perhaps, to advocating Ronald Regan for the role of Rick in Casablanca - even though that rumour is all bollocks) I’ve always thought that Mr. Selleck would have made a terrific Indiana Jones.
He was, as you may know, the first choice and was actually cast until Magnum commitments forced him to pass. While Harrison Ford is, of course, wonderful - in that bumbling, getting the shit smacked out of him kind of way, Selleck had a winning “old school’, self-deprecating charm that would have suited the role very well indeed.
Plus, y’know, great moustache (and “whiskery lips”).
Still, I guess Three Men and a Baby (or Little Lady) was adequate compensation for missing out on Indy…
April 16th, 2008 at 10:58 pm[…] may want to subscribe to my site using a feedreader or email. Thanks for visiting - Damien.You will never enjoy My Little Pony or Magnum PI after this, or maybe you […]
April 17th, 2008 at 4:36 amMe too! Perhaps it was a subconscious attraction to the ’safe’ option a la Lisa Simpson’s teen magazines.
My favourite My Little Pony was called Lickety Split, a perfect name for a career in pony porn. My childhood memories have been irreversibly tainted.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pmTom Sellek, definitely underrated.
He would have been a good IJ, but I’m happy with HF, I have to admit.
A similar story to Pierce Brosnan and his Remington Stelle commitments getting in the way of Bond.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:36 pmLickety Split…
Possibly the most disgustingly dirty name in cartoon/toy animal history.
The images conjured are pretty nasty.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:42 pmI recall an online quiz along these lines.
I scored 8 out of 12, but I was basically guessing.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:43 pmFeckin’ A! I done won me a badge.
There are so many people I want to thank…
That pal from school who lent me my first “skin mag”, the ould fella who flashed his cock at me in church etc, etc…
April 18th, 2008 at 12:26 amGod I feel like some kind of Dirty Oul One corrupting the youth!
Cool!
Lickety Split….definately a good gay porn star name!
As for the Preteen thing, and safe men, I think it was just that they were nice, then the hormones kicked in and nice just didn’t cut the mustard, it was guys with long hair who played the sax, but couldn’t even be bothered to notice I existed, or the ex priest guy…..I know, shoot me now!
April 18th, 2008 at 1:23 pmJust got my badge - it’s awesome!
Just watched Magnum PI intro on YouTube - it’s awesome!
One of the comments says “Some day I hope Tom Selleck will be honest about his homosexuality”.
Higgy baby, get ‘em off!
(the Pininfarina styled 308, my God, she is beautiful! - you could tell the Strokes had good breeding from the word go with the Hard to Explain video)
April 18th, 2008 at 9:50 pm…the sax?
April 18th, 2008 at 10:42 pmWhile we’re on the subject of dirtiness, I’ve just deleted a spam comment that opened with the astonishing words “Cock Mommy Loves Cock Cocks”.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:20 amMidge, Ex-priests? Long-haired sax players? You’re even filthier than the badges might indicate.
Sex with a long-haired, sax-playin’ ex-priest is surely about as seedy and durty as a sex act can get!
copernicus, RE: the badge - pin it to your member. The pain will keep you honest - like that albino fella in The Da Vinci Code. Plus, it’d be funny.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:29 amHaving read this post this video is most disturbing. I’ll never be able to look at a My Little Pony in the eyes again.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:08 amJesus…
There are so many freaky elements. The bleak cavernous space of the gym. The demented frolicking around. The delighted gasps and chuckles of the observers.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:46 amThat video is most disturbing irrespective of the hi-jinks and goings-on at fustar.info.
The price is right- the cost of one admission is your mind.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:18 pm