Euro 2008 has been the 600th consecutive major football tournament where we've heard expert voices condemning the official ball as both a) too light, and, b) too inclined to swerve unpredictably in the air. According to this theory of ball evolution, the progressive "lightening" and "swervening" of footballs should, by now, have given rise to something only marginally heavier than a balloon, and only marginally less swervy than a banjaxed boomerang. In other words, this path should have led to the "Super Striker".
Ok, admittedly that isn't actually a bona fide "Super Striker" (if there even is such a thing), but it's cut from the very same cloth (or hewn from the very same plastic). For those lucky enough never to have played with one, the "Super Striker" is the only football one can (or, at least, could) ever find in garages or small shops in sea-side towns. As the above image proves, the "Super Striker" (like the Devil himself) has many names and guises - but behind the superficial differences lie universal properties.
Though the SS manages to be marginally heavier than air and (just about) capable of clinging to the earth's surface, its many deficiencies become readily apparent when one steps up and kicks it. Imagine, if you will, a childhood game of ("last man back") 5-a-side beach football. You dispossess your opponents' "last man" 10 feet from their goal and nothing now stands between you and glory. The crudely-constructed goalmouth yawns open as you take aim and hit the "Super Striker" (for it is no other) as hard and as true as you possibly can.
At first all seems well. A dull "thunk" is heard and the plastic sphere begins its journey straight toward the target. But then, just as you prepare to wheel away in delight, disaster strikes. A barely perceptible breeze drifts across the playing area. The "Super Striker" decelerates rapidly, veers wildly off course, and finally floats gently to rest…in the sea. No goal. Game abandoned. Let's all go home…
Though we haven't (surprise, surprise) witnessed the wildly dipping and bending shots from distance that critics of the "Europass" (Adidas's official ball for 2008) forewarned us of, there's no doubt that it has more than a touch of the "Super Striker" about it:
This similarity owes something to both its shiny (dare I say, "plasticky"?) finish, as well as its backward nod in the direction of the iconic "Telstar" - the ball that Bucky built.
For some reason the overlords who ran the "Super Striker" assembly lines never allowed their workers to churn out anything but fantastically cheap replicas of the "Telstar" - this despite the fact that the ball hadn't been used in a World Cup since 1974. The design that dominated the 80s and 90s - the beloved "Tango" - has never had itself bootlegged to anywhere near the same extent. There are, I'm sure, obscure & esoteric reasons for this - reasons that would drive a man mad to think upon them even for an instant. Or else, y'know, it's something to do with pentagons being easier to paint…
Direct (and indirect) nods to the legit (and bootlegged) past earn the "Europass" reasonably high marks. It's certainly a vast improvement on the abomination we had to endure four years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, the Adidas "Roteiro" - by far the mankiest ball ever kicked in anger at a European Championship:
Held together by lashings of black duct tape (and universally loathed by right-thinking people everywhere) it "graced" European football's showcase like a big stinky turd on the centre circle. Given the opportunity, I'd happily boot a "Super Striker" (hard) at the head of the UEFA half-wit who gave it the green light. Only trouble is, it'd never reach its target…
I was wondering when you’d do a post displaying your in-depth knowledge of balls (oo-er). The Europass has a terrible name, and is indeed a bit tacky looking, but you’re right in saying that it looks less shabby than the Roteiro. Not sure if I like the shape of the leather patches though. A traditionalist, I prefer hexagons.
For me, the problem with the super striker wasn’t it’s overdeveloped swerving ability per se - that gave us many opportunities for showboating free kicks, as it’s concomitant inability to travel more than a few yards in one direction. The super striker seemed to have greater distance in it when flying sideways than in the direction it was kicked. Even if it managed to travel in a straight line, after the passage of ten yards at an acceptable speed, the Super Striker would pronounce itself knackered and come a complete, mid-air stop, before descending onto the grass, yards short of its intended destination.
The best balls were the ones a step or two up from the super striker, still plastic, but heavy enough to boast true velocity, and possessed of a basketball-like bouncyness that made playing on concrete a springier experience.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pmThe classic manky ball of my childhood was either orange or a weirdly vivid blue.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:41 pmThe Europass is really little other than a modified version of the “Teamgeist” ball used in the 2006 World Cup - with the same “footprint” shaped patches in evidence. Converting these “footprints” into “dots” is something of an improvement though.
I’m more of a pentagon man myself (my occult leanings manifesting themselves perhaps).
True. The SS seemed very reluctant to travel anything but lethargically in a straight line but was only too happy to break the sound barrier when veering off sideways (and into the nearest puddle…or sea).
June 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pmYes but even though one could banana kick it like a Brazilian (as the pre-Beckham expression had it) it was almost impossible to direct accurately.
And if, by some miracle, one managed to get it on target, the ‘keeper needed only to glance it with the tip of his nail (or breathe on it) to deflect it away to safety.
These were, as I recall, generally orange - the colour presumably intended to crudely simulate tanned leather. For young fellas they were a lot more fun than full size/weight leather balls. You could power shots from distance and head the things without risking concussion.
Speaking of “orange” - the colourful ones you link to above flaunt their debt to the “Telestar” pretty openly. “Super Tele” - great name! You can call ‘em what you want though. They’re still Super Strikers at heart.
P.S: Forgot to mention, I just love the faux stitching on the “Shoot 5″. It had me fooled!
June 24th, 2008 at 6:35 pmA wonderful post Fustar!
Brought back so many happy and bloody frustrationg memories. Across the sea the same ball used to go by (and hopefully still does) the name of ‘The Flyaway’, you could pick these up in all good garages or back-gardens. The up-grade of this, mentioned by yourself and Fergal, was a ‘Captain’ ball, size 5. It came in white or orange and had the fake stitching on it. But it was panels/strips, not the Bucky effect. These days I refuse to kick anything that doesn’t have the Bucky touch. And one more painful memory; do you remember the plastic/rubber all-weather balls? They were a little heavier and had pimples on them. To be hit full whack in the face with one of them on a cold and frosty morning is something one never forgets.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:04 pm