Posted by fústar in 
After culls and purges vicious enough to shame Uncle Joe Stalin, 5 battered & wobbly survivors are left (just about) standing in the "Best Popculture Blog" corner of d'Irish Blog Awards. Happily, mine is one of them. Two black eyes and a haunted look it may have, but it's still there – snuggled up to its fellows for comfort.
Hope all attending the ceremony enjoy copious high-jinks on Saturday night. I'll be joining in remotely – using my (admittedly crude) powers of bilocation. I may appear as gas, or a faint odour of Chipsticks, or a humanoid plant entity, but I'll be there (in the sense of not-being-there-at-all).
Over from London, to see their (first) first cousin, have arrived the lovely niece and lovely nephew. After a successful root around his grandparents' attic, the nephew (like a tiny, plastic-seeking, Indiana Jones) uncovered a box of vintage treasures. In said box were action figures of the Masters of the Universe and TMNT varieties.
While I could comfortably name He-Man, Man at Arms1 and Buzz Off for the little man – most of the remaining identities could only be guessed at.
"Er…thats 'Fight Man', and that's 'Neck Head', and that one's 'Lizard Bad Fellow'".
And so on.
Though Masters of the Universe was (as I tried explaining to the nephew) a crudely animated, jumped up shit-toon of a toy advert, the associated toys weren't without a certain ludicrous charm. Like most kiddie action cartoons of the time the villains were particularly lame. Heroes had but to slice their belts with an accurate sword-swing and they'd instantly abandon their plans for world domination: hobbling off-stage with flushed cheeks and crossed hands over heart-patterned boxer shorts. Darth Vaders (or Uncle Joe Stalins) they definitely weren't.
For an example of said lameness (and said simultaneous ludicrous charm) see the below. God knows what his name is/was. EyePops? StalkLooker? MishMasher?
That's him in his "before" position.
Here's his "after" (action) pose.
Wow. Skeletor2 must have rubbed his bony hands together with glee – thinking of the very specific situation(s) in which our pal's "powers" would come in useful.
Har, Har, He-Man! You think you can hide forever behind that modestly-sized brick wall? You think the fact that you are just out of eye-shot will save you? No longer! EyePops can extend the range/height of his vision by a very small amount! Assuming you aren't crouching down then you will surely be doomed! Har, Har!
Back I go to baby-attending (and radio silence). Peace out.
Jesus. What’s wrong with me? I keep accidentally nuking comments.
There were 4 on here. All now gone forever. Damn.
As I recall…
1) Green Ink mentioned the Vonnegut style ass mouth above (and how you’d got to love it).
2) A Doubtful Egg suggested that “EyePops” was, possibly, more impressive in the cartoon. Perhaps using one prehensile eye to wrap his opponents up (anaconda-like) before using the other to batter the shit out of them.
I responded as follows…
3) I dimly recall him being part of some rival evil gang. Not part of Skeletor’s bumbling, pants-round-ankles team of dimwits. Doubtless, as you say, the cartoon version was rather more dynamic – leading to crest-fallen faces when young fellas first popped open the package and popped up (1/4 of an inch) his boogly eyes.
He could, I suppose, have used the eye stalks to peer intently over an advancing enemy’s shoulder – thus activating the “Look out behind you!” fear reflex. That’s best case scenario though. And even then all he could do was run away when said enemy was momentarily distracted. Poor crap bastard.
Ha, He Man. Quality.
http://infantasia.blogspot.com/2009/01/fisty-heroes.html
One of the attic toys was actually the very same Fisto. I find it hard to believe that was his real name. I’d have gone for Thumpy Beard Man.
Not Fistor? FISTOR!
Not even Thumpy Gay Beard Man?
Yer man with the eyes is, in a rare diversion from literal nomenclature in the Masters of the Universe…. universe, “Mantenna”. Fight man is certainly “Fisto”; his counterpart in Snake Castle was “Jitsu,” a slab of beefcake Yellow Peril with massive metal chopping hand. No sniggering in the back, please. The other guys sound like “Mekaneck”, who apparently stole Judge Dredd’s uniform while it dried on the line, and “Kobra Khan” – has the latter a spray-bottle for a neck?
Or maybe it was Mer-Man.
It is Mantenna – one of Hordak’s Evil Horde. Mantenna is a legend in my family. Once holiday in Dublin we spent several afternoons endlessly shooting plastic darts at a row of Masters of the Universe on the window sill. Mantenna was freakishly stable, regardless of where his eyes were. A wobble or even a draught would knock the others, but Mantenna was left standing at the end many times. He had some kind of … power.