Images that Make Me Want to Cry: 4 – These are my Bitches

Men. They're gas! Charming rogues one and all. They love WKD ads and Gladiator. Beer and war. Top Gear and Nuts (and hot lesbian twins). They're cheeky! They're chappy! They're cunts!

They don't try to hide or disguise this cuntitude either. They flaunt it (like belching, ball-scratching peaCOCKS). Communicating one's cuntness has never been easier. Pop into a local Topman/River Island. Pick up a "You Look Like I Need Another Drink" T-shirt. Boom. Job done. Instant cunt.

That's not your only option of course. For the odious prick about town the choices are (these days) many and varied. There is, for example, this chucklesome classic.

mtbitchesBKx

Or this slice of retro-gaming misogyny…

GameOver

Ha! Ha! Women! They're all obsessed with nagging and marriage and ruining our lives and spoiling our fun and stopping us riding all round us and stuff. Wot a load of bitches!

It wasn't always this bad. Somehow and somewhere, in the last 10 years or so, Irish Ladism went from being a multifarious, loose-knit, fairly harmless and amorphous thing (built around rugby and late night group pissing sessions at pub urinals) to a codified and singular entity. Its themes and tropes were made concrete – and they were terrible to behold.

How did this happen? I blame a 2-pronged attack. Prong 1? The baleful rise of ladz magz (a trend that continues to find new nadirs – with Zoo [et al] making granddaddy Loaded look like À la recherche du temps perdu). Prong 2? The UK High St store invasion – on which a vigorous and fully-formed lad culture piggy-backed.

The hilarious part is that said culture is impossible to satirise. You could fill Topman with "WANKER!!!" t-shirts and there'd be queues around the block. They know they're wankers. They're thrilled about it.

However, we can but try. I'll be down the Milk Market in Limerick on Saturday morning trying to flog my "I Hate Women and Myself and I'm Wearing this to Try and Fill a Gnawing Emptiness Inside. Help me! Help me, Please!" t-shirt. If I can cause even one young fella to break down crying (hugging his knees and begging the universe to forgive him) it'll be a morning well spent.

#manclub

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20 Responses to “Images that Make Me Want to Cry: 4 – These are my Bitches”

  1. foolhardy says:

    I’ll take one!

  2. John Gunning says:

    Whoever designed that “game over” t-shirt obviously never heard of infidelity.

  3. Ms Avery says:

    Lately I have seen not one but two of these guys wearing shirts that say “Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians”.

    I think they’re missing the point slightly.

  4. Did this disease start with rural American rednecks, whose clothing and bumper stickers said things like “Instant asshole: just add alcohol” and “Divorce: The screwin’ you get for the screwin’ you got”? Obviously it’s spreading like swine flu (emphasis on swine…)

  5. Fergal says:

    When Top Shop first moved to Ireland, I used to note, not without a small amount of national pride, that though they kept trying to flog us those “funny” t-shirts, I had never seen anyone wearing one. Alas, I should have known that you can never out-wait Top Shop. It took a few years, but eventually a change occurred in the Irish male psyche, and one day it was sudenly “OK” to wear a t-shirt bearing the legend “Freelance Gynecologist”.

  6. Dedken says:

    Personally I’m astonished that there are people (for people read: adult, men) who find these T=-shirts even remotely funny. When I was 16 years old I had a “I don’t have a problem with drugs, I have a problem without them” T-shirt but I realised after wearing it a couple of times that actually, it was quite, quite sad and made me look like a loser. If a 16 year-old can work this out, why a grown man??

    I wonder if the principle of diminishing marginal returns can be applied to the intelligence of the Anglo-Irish male?

  7. Andrew says:

    I guess this means I have to chuck my ‘Federal Boob Inspector’ t-shirt out?

  8. fústar says:

    Lately I have seen not one but two of these guys wearing shirts that say “Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians”.

    I think they’re missing the point slightly.

    For lads like these (those who’re truly committed to cuntitude) then “lesbians” are always blonde porn star twins whose lesbianness is designed entirely to give lads the horn. They kiss, cuddle and smear themselves in oil while chaps toss off in the corner. They, the “lesbians”, aren’t getting anything out of it. They exist merely to fuel lad wank fantasies.

  9. fústar says:

    Fergal,

    Living in the UK in the late 90s was an eye-opener. I was amazed at how all-pervasive and indulged this nu-laddism had become. It was everywhere. Like a toxic cloud of leery smugness.

    Of course when I moved back in 2001 the cloud had wafted (Sellafield-like) o’er the Irish sea. I remember walking (innocently) into one of these new Topmans/Topmen (to buy a pair of jeans) and being boxed in the face by a t-shirt screaming “The Guvnor!”. Next to it was one with a bulldog and a Union Jack. No shit! Topman obviously realised the need for a “horses for courses” approach, and ditched the bulldog stuff, but they still won in the end.

  10. fústar says:

    Dedken,

    I’m not sure how committed to the cause many of these (cun)t-shirt wearers actually are. Obviously you have your hard-core wankers. But the majority are probably just lazily performing a script handed to them by the zeitgeist.

    Or, y’know, maybe they are just complete fucknuts.

    Doubtful,

    I dunno who’s (ultimately) to blame, but fingers can clearly be pointed at the meeja/advertisers. They created a fictional (quiche-eating) “New Man” in the 90s. Then turned on him and charted the rise of his equally fictional nemesis the “New Lad”. The fact that neither were actually real (in the packaged way they were presented) didn’t matter a jot.

  11. Erok says:

    @Fustar

    I too lived in London during the height (depth?) of New Lad-ism. I commiserate with you.

    But let’s be fair. We should be thanking Top Man et al. They are providing these social imponderables with the fashion equivalent of high-vis jackets; easy for the rest of us to spot and avoid.

    In the US, they’re called douchebags.

  12. fústar says:

    @Erok

    Brilliant
    vid. Hadn’t seen it before.

  13. I have an ‘I love Lesbians’ T-shirt, but I only wear it when I’m cleaning leading roofs etc.. When bought it I thought I was being ironic, but now I realise I was being a wanker.. literally, sadly.

  14. I’m pretty drunk, hence the poor grammar/spelling/taste of the last post..

  15. fústar says:

    @National Disgrace

    Irony is a tricky business (as is ironing).

    If some of the preening tossers I’ve seen wearing laddzzz t-shirts are being ironic then they’re operating at a level of subtlety beyond normal human perception. To look at them you’d just think they were wankers.

  16. Anon says:

    @ National Disgrace

    I love that you thought you were being ironic. That’s really endearing.

  17. The Shadow says:

    The only cheering thing about the Laddism epidemic, is that one of the rules of being a Lad is that you spend all of your spare time drinking. As the hospitals fill up with bloated morons with livers the size of pickled walnuts, we can consider that an unproductive and unpleasant part of the gene-pool is being removed by natural selection.

  18. Roisinod says:

    They do serve a purpose and that is to single out the men that should never procreate thus providing a much needed service to women and society in general. Sir Philip, I salute you. Whereas the man who wears this or this has my heart forever.

  19. fústar says:

    Roisin, That immersion t-shirt is just one of the best things ever. Any man wearing it would have my heart too. Perhaps not forever though. Maybe 15 minutes. Long enough for a cuddle.

  20. emordino says:

    If some of the preening tossers I’ve seen wearing laddzzz t-shirts are being ironic then they’re operating at a level of subtlety beyond normal human perception.

    Positive thinking! Maybe they’re emulating this guy. Although whether that would do anything to mitigate their cuntitude, I don’t know.

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