Upon Death’s Purple Altar: The 2009 Manky Toy Show – Live!

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Manky Toy Show 2009

(Curtain draws back to reveal…not a stage, but bare concrete walls atop a bare concrete floor. On this floor are two bins. In Bin A sits “The Man” – an emaciated figure sporting a sick-stained tailcoat, a battered top-hat, and a cracked monocle (also sick-stained). In Bin B sits Gorgothogohnx – bringer of despair. A bipedal, demonic reptoid from the the 14th Orbiton of Balthodox.)

The Man: Well, it's been a big year for death & suffering, hasn't it Gorgothogohnx?

Gorgothogohnx: Yes.

The Man: To reflect this, tonight's show will be dominated by themes of doom, pain and dejection.

Gorgothogohnx: And Transformers.

The Man: Yes, and Transformers. You like Transformers, don't you Gorgothogohnx?

Gorgothogohnx: Yes.

The Man: (Rolls eyes and exhales wearily. Becomes conscious of own breath) You wouldn't have a mint, would you Gorgothogohnx?

Gorgothogohnx: No. No mint.

The Man: (Gazes at stained tailcoat) Or a Dettol wipe?

Gorgothogohnx: No. No mint.

The Man: (mutters) …for fuck's sake…

Gorgothogohnx: Repeat?

The Man: Nothing…

Gorgothogohnx: Nothing. No mint.

The Man: (affecting a breezy air) Would you like to see some toys, Gorgothogohnx?

Gorgothogohnx: Transformers.

The Man: Yes…I know. We'll get to those in a while. Anything else?

Gorgothogohnx: Crayons.

The Man: …well strictly speaking they're not actually toys…

Gorgothogohnx: Transformers.

The Man: (gnawing on his own fist) OK! Let's just start, shall we?! Gaze into that puddle on the floor there, Gorgothogohnx. You'll see some mad shit.

(Gorgothogohnx does as instructed. Stares intently. Shapes begin to form and coalesce from the swirling fogs therein. A terraced house. A man. A woman. Two cats. A baby [sleeping, hopefully]. Some cheap alcohol. And, yes, many “Transformers”.)

9.00: Welcome, earthlings. Welcome, mortals & immortals. Welcome, Gorgothogohnx. Welcome, one and all – to the third annual Manky Toy Show. Assuming you have very limited experiences (and have lived, all your lives, in secret cellars – like Kaspar Hauser or Natascha Kampusch) then tonight's extrava-manka will be the greatest, thrillingest thing ever. Ok? Let's boogie.

9.03: I haven't paced myself. I'm half a bottle of plonk in already. And we haven't even really begun. I'll be on the floor by 10. Background tunes? The murderous loveliness of Phil Spector's Christmas Album.

9.05: Music. Yes. That's the thing to get our cockles warmed and imagination bones erect. Take it away The Hal Bradley Orchestra and Space Age Santa Claus.


9.10:
Some of the fucked up shit Santa's up to in space?

He’ll loop tinsel around through the stars
Light up Christmas trees all over Mars
He’ll take the dark clouds out of the air
And hang up fluffs of angel hair

Surely the universe is a delicate and finely balanced thing. A gargantuan and sensitive "ecosystem". Going around hanging up " fluffs of angel hair" all over the place is highly irresponsible.

9.14: Also…

He’ll start a gift shop on the moon

The brazen capitalist bastard. Leave the moon alone you fat cunt!

9.16: OK, before the punters start getting restless we'd best whip some toys out of this Lidl bin-liner on the ground before us. First up? An item that flies gleefully in the face of the contemporary fad for fair trade/organic produce. Y'know, for evil kids.

Farm Exploiter

9.19: Before I open it. What the fuck's going on with the font?! Is that a serpent's tongue licking the "A" in "Farm". This thing gets more diabolic by the second. Jess cracking into the box…

9.23: Box proved tricky to demolish. Favourite detail at first glance? Trailer that proclaims it to be "The Auto Speedy". Would never have associated speediness with tractor trailers, but there you go. Box assures us that it comes with "authentic working functions". This appears to mean "wheels that turn". And nothing else.

9.27: Conclusion? A solidly made and stolidly boring piece of mank. No Mexicans inside (sorry, Fiona). Not much of anything really…but an alarming amount of relative quality. You've got to hand it to these Farm Exploiters.

9.31: Right. Taking it sideways a notch, we'll go for…Champion Fastro! Yes, that's his name. CHAMPION FASTRO! Alright!

Champion Fastro

9.33: They're brimming with confidence, these Champion Fastro makers. They're so sure they're on to a winner (with Fastro and his pals) that they boldly declare "Every Styles Fully Wonderful". Not just "Partly Wonderful" – which is the best most mainstream toy makers could ever hope for.

9.37: Champion Fastro is one of those toys that you just feel like smelling. Both Jess and myself have done this…and the odour is almost indescribable. The closest we can get to it (with words) is "stale biscuit" meets "community hall".

9.41: Champion Fastro – despite being a toy whose name you can't say without imagining multiple exclamation points – is designed to disappoint. Why? Because you obviously expect him to be a bootlegged "Transformer". Look at him! "Yay", you think, "I wonder what he'll morph into?!". And then it turns out that he morphs from Champion Fastro into…Champion Fastro. Balls.

9.45: Hang on. He's just got 3.5% less boring. He has a red – Sacred Heart-tastic – light in the middle of his chest. We've seen this with manky toys before. It's the last desperate throw of the dice when you know you've got a doomed piece of shit on your hands. "Gentlemen, put a fucking light on that thing and get it the fuck out of my office".

9.49: Time to pause for breath and locate my bottle of bog-standard Cab Sauv (as shiny and detestable people in radio ads no doubt say). Lets go to the ads. This thing ain't gonna pay for itself.

9.55: Gaylord's emergence from the pipe – trailing in the wake of the most over-reacting cat of all time – is quite possibly the lamest entrance in toy history. I am underwhelmed. Damn you, GAYLORD!

9.58: Look, stop bitching you whingers. I told you this year was going to be about death and pain! Gaylord's life is one of constant humiliation and agony. "Climb, Gaylord!". There's no respite.

10.03: Girls in the audience. Prepare to squeal with girly glee. Boys in the audience. Prepare to get aroused by plastic.

Legends Atlantis Front


22.08:
Jordan meets Bratz meets The Mystical Lands of Faery. The genius of this yoke is the amount of time and effort put into creating a back-story. Building a fantasy universe for a toy that will never be the subject of fan-fiction, daytime cartoons, or…anything much at all. Except ridicule. Check this out.

Legend Atlantis Side 2

10.12: I'm sure the above was scripted by whoever George "Fat-neck" Lucas got to do the scrolling text about trade federations at the start of Phantom Menace. If anything, his/her work has developed and matured since then. "People lived in a horrific life" – George would be floored by prose like that.

10.16: Oh sweet lords and ladies of Atlantis! I need to wash my eyeballs. With Atlantean brandy. She's…um. She's…er. She's got pubes! Or at least "pube texture". It's like "pube braille". Fuck!

10.21: It's a good night for fans of "Legend of Atlantis Empire". The box is a practical novelization.

Legend Atlantis Side 1

10.24: Multiple elemental powers. The usual Captain Planet shit. It looks like we lucked out with our choice. Evasoul! She of the "Sprite Power"! "Sprite Power" is just another word for "Heart Power", or "Love Power". Neither of which are proper powers at all. Not like "Gun Power". Or "Jump High Power". Or "Fist of Rage Power". If Atlantis is attacked by even a remotely competent professional army then the continent is borked. Try stopping bullets and shells with "Sprite", Evasoul.

10.30: Frantically thumbing through my volume of Plato's collected works here. He mentions Atlantis, but (curiously) nothing of Jaybreeze and Ellafrost – and their scantily clad battles against the dark side that forced people to live in "a horrific life". A huge oversight and a massive stain (phnarr) on his reputation.

10.35: Time to rock an ad-break. Jesus, I'm fading fast here. Need some…brandy and Spar imitation Pringles! Slurp!

10.42: This is deeply sad…and possibly deeply racist. The Great Garloo was once a behemoth that stalked Titan-like through our cities. Smashing things to bits. Having the craic. Drinking with Godzilla. And now? He's a fucking servant to little WASP bastards! A little "oriental" servant.

10.48: At least King Kong went out in a blaze of ape-y glory. Shot down in flames. No such honour for Garloo.

WASP Dad: "Oh Garloo! Did you clean my jocks?"

10.52: Emergency forces toys. Civil servant toys. Kids love 'em! Yay! Bin collectors. Council workers. Traffic wardens. Who needs Han Solo? Eh, Kids? Kids? Er…

I give you – "Mission Force"!

Mission Force Front

10.56: Point 1 – "Mission Force" is one of those nonsense, but powerful-sounding, names. Like "Team Squad". Or "Group Punch". Or "Effort Men".

Point 2 – Though these lads may look pretty cool – all facial hair, shades and guns – they're actually called "Police Guy" and "Police Hugh". And they're but a part of the bigger "Mission Force" (w)hole.

Mission Force Back

11.02: Yes, the four arms of the forces that protect us are: a) Soldier guys. b) Er…other soldier guys. Or possibly armed-to-the-teeth police guys. c) Firemen (steady, ladies). And, d) Ninjas.

Ninjas with names like Felix, Adrian, Bill and Ted.

Has the budget affected Ninjas? I wouldn't fancy being the one to mention pay cuts.

11.11: I'm beginning to doubt the integrity of Hugh and Guy, and their devotion to civic/civil duty. They come packed with a can of petrol and a bloody Molotov cocktail! They're obviously servants of some Warlord Oligarch who rules the lands of "Mission Force" with an iron fist of ultraviolence. Message? Give them shit and they'll set you on fire. Twice!

11.17: Moving onward and downward (*hic!*). Kids love mobile phones? Check. Kids like Barbie? Check. Kids don't like malignant cancers? Check. Fuck all these elements into a manky toy blender and this is what dribbles out the other end.

Benign Girl

11.23: If anyone asked me how I'd like to be remembered, what adjective I'd most like used to describe me after I'm gone, what one goddam word I'd want used (repeatedly) during my funeral oration….it'd be benign. No doubt about it.

11.29: The "Try Me! Press Button" arrow promise is misleading. By "misleading", of course, I mean "amounting to gross and outlandish fraud". There's no button. Only a vast-ish expanse of pink cardboard.

11.35: Quick mention of Benign Girl's sound FX before we move on (Gorgothogohnx is going mental. He likes not girls. Or girls' toys. Only Transformers. And crayons).

Old school readers who remember the ("Nighttime is a bankable actor") Spidey telephone will know the drill. A bit of unintelligible, interrogative Chinese ("Wah dah byu?") followed by some crazed Chinese techno pop.

This may be an accurate facsimile of a Chinese phone of course. I've never been, so don't know. Not sure what network I'm on either…

11.44: Time for a new Manky Toy Show segment (brought on by repetitive strain injury from plastic manipulation). I call it…um…"Toys You Can Get In China But Can't Sadly Get Here. Unless You've Got A Credit Card. And Want to Order 700 Units". Let me present: Roking Ride On Plush Dog Amusement Toy.

Roking Dog

11.49: Selling point 1.

Attractive appearance. The ride on toy is a well-designed work of art, exquisite lovely shape to meet the needs of the children's favorite animals and pets, and close to the psychological.

11.54: Selling point 2.

Entertaining. It can let children have fun, meet the children's hope and desire: Riding like adults, or riding like roles in cartoon who ride animals around. Also we add more entertaining function in the product. It not only could walk around, also has music box and the function of ears swaying, water spraying or boxing.

11.56: All I ever wanted, as a child was an AT-AT (which I got, thanks mum) and to once (just once) ride like the "roles in cartoon who ride animals around".

11.59: Oops. Forgot to mention the items I treasured above all else. Cartoon Character Aubergine…

Aubergine

…and…Plush Vegetable Cauliflower (the coolest of all Brassica oleracea)…

Cauliflower

12.05: Fuck! Look at the time. More wine.

Blurb advertising the aubergine reads as follows:

We offer all kinds of lovely and cute cartoon character toy for the Movie & TV company, from classical duck, bear, micky, to our design special series like series vegetable, fruit. Character Doll, animals etc.

If someone gets me a "classical duck" for Christmas I will immediately divorce Jess and marry them. Male, female, cauliflower – it matters not.

12.09: Commenter "Urchinette" says this:

Jaysus, that cauliflower is like something out of H. P. Lovecraft.

She doesn't know the half of it. From the same company (or…China at least) comes this!

cthulhu

Yes, horror fans. It's a beanie baby Cthulhu! Tragically undersold, in the company's literature, as "Eccentric Toy". I'm both filled with dread and deeply happy.

12.15: Cut to words from our sponsors. Then back with faux-Transformer action.

12.24: Just returned from a "Willow bonks her head on bars of cot and needs comforting" mission. I'm sure Chuck Connors would approve.

Tin-Can Alley was something I coveted, dearly, as a child. Guns always seemed very American, back then. Exotic. Wild western. Desirable. Little did we realise that Tin-Can Alley was actually a home-training tool for bloody high school massacres. Something Chuck singularly failed to mention.

And who's the "Nice shooting, Chuck!" fella. Has he been in anything else or was that his 0.05 seconds of fame? Off to IMDB with you, willing slaves!

12.31: Tiredness washing over me like a tsunami of Calgon-infected 7-Up. Must push on. Must satisfy the demands of the ever-staring, ever-watchful, ever-whispering Gorgothogohnx (and his biggest fan, Fergal Crehan).

Transformers! Or, rather, Interchange!

Interchange

11.38: Now to follow the crystal clear and nothing-but-helpful instructions.

Interchange a

Not a problem. It dismantled itself as soon as I removed it from the box.

12.42:

Interchange b

I've just bent his knees. He's in a sitting position. Like Optimus Prime watching telly. Is this what the merger and upward accepting is about?

12.44:

Interchange c

For fuck's sake. I'm exhausted. And drunk. And the headlight area has just fallen off. We're getting further and further from our goal.

12.48: Wait! Hold! Commenter "Shoeymcshoe" has spotted something with eagle (i.e. "ordinary") eyes.

Your instructions do not resemble your product

No. They really don't. And that's because…they're the instructions for a completely different toy. China! What's the story?

12.54: Interchange presents children (and me) with an unsolvable puzzle. Instructions and toy are randomly shuffled. To spread confusion and (I guess) lateral thinking. Here's one of the final bits of the mind-fuck.

Interchange e

12.59: "Head to hereafter"? Is that some sort of coded command to crawl to bed? Or, as I suspect (given our theme of the night), an imperative demanding I press the Tin-Can Alley shotgun to my temple? Silver Shamrock, how are ya?

1.08: OK. We're into overtime. We're into the time beyond overtime. We're into tomorrow. We're into the day after tomorrow. Hardy hangers-on – can you take one more toy?

1.14: Cock! My rabble-rousing pleadings were based on flim-flam and hot air. And, more importantly, not having the right batteries. Wanted to finish with this…

Fighter Plane Game

…but all I've got is AA when it thirsts for AAA. Oh cursed fate! Oh wretched destiny! I was gagging to see what the four enclosed "cartridges" actually did. I love cartridges. Nintendo's never been the same since they embraced charmless discs. Boo!

Er…in the absence of a blow-out and go-out (and go to bed) toy, let's go to an ad before we fade into the warm darkness of a winter's night.

1.25: Right. So "The Game of Life" taught children all about craven ambition, consumerist longing, acceptance of prescribed gender roles, and the harsh brutalities of (safety-net-less) capitalism, but it always left a final act unsaid and unspoken.

You'd reach the end and there would be Millionaire's Mansion, or Lovely Acres Retirement Community, or whatever the fuck. And that would be it. Game over. The end. You win.

But even the most chipper and boundlessly optimistic of freckled children must have wondered what rolling the dice one more time would entail. What was beyond that finishing line?

Nothing but stinky, nasty, everlasting death. Yes, kids – DEATH! DEAAAAAATTTHHHHH!!!

Goodnight.

December 11, 2009

200 responses to Upon Death’s Purple Altar: The 2009 Manky Toy Show – Live!

  1. Fergal said:

    It begins! God help us all…

  2. Jess said:

    I’m here using a mini-laptop full of baby vomit. Hi!

  3. Fiona said:

    Yeeha! I didn’t buy a toy, but amn’t I still allowed watch and slag them off?

  4. Fergal said:

    About to crack open the first can of cheap lager. Small bowl of peanuts by my side. Super Furry Animal’s Welsh-language album “Mwng” playing in background. Let’s roll.

  5. Chimp said:

    I didn’t buy a toy either… its like shamelessly watching children in need and knowing you’ll never give any money..

  6. Fiona said:

    Chip: Huzzah! Hadn’t thought of that – feel instantly better! (listening to plink plink of Space Age Santy)

  7. Alexia said:

    Lovely Manky Toy Showness!

  8. Jess said:

    Vomit-strewn mini-laptop just inexplicably broke down. Back to business now with cheap beer, faux Pringles and fancy Butlers choccies. Fustar just got distracted by said choccies. May be a long night….

  9. Fergal said:

    I am not sure if Santa’s systematic removal of all moisture from the atmosphere is to be applauded. The “fluffs of angel hair” he proposes as a replacement for life-giving water sound suspiciously like a euphemism for fibreglass.

  10. Jess said:

    Santa-s carbon footprint is amazingly low, in fairness to him.

  11. Skid Row Joe said:

    Rock and roll, I’m having a hot whi-,
    Where’s my whiskey?
    Hot gin, so.

  12. Fiona said:

    Good point about the fibreglass, Fergal. I thought angel hair was pasta, myself.

  13. Alexia said:

    “Farm Exploiter” – excellent!

  14. Orlath said:

    I’m here too. just had to rush off to get more ice for my rum. Ah that’s better

  15. Chimp said:

    That’s when Santa lost it, expanding into space… sher you could get credit for anything in the good times, they were even bankrolling gift shops on the moon. I told them no one it would all end in tears…

  16. Fergal said:

    @fiona a poor replacement for clouds, either way

  17. Fiona said:

    @Fergal Fair point. Can’t wait to see what’s inside the farm exploiter – underpaid Mexicans?

  18. Orlaith said:

    Oops I spelled my name wrong the first time, too much rum perhaps

  19. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Hello!! Latecomers here. Been eating our way around the Christmas markets and now await with bated breath, pausing only to eat Vanilla Caramel Brownie ice-cream, the Farm Exploiter.

  20. Jess said:

    No Mexicans inside just…. big fat disappointment really. Unless you’re a very imaginative 5 year old farm-obsessed boy. Or girl.

  21. Fergal said:

    These immigration scare-stories always turn out to have been paranoid exaggerations, don’t they?

  22. Chimp said:

    Would be refreshing to have a whole series of unethical toys. Would likely appeal the children of all those corporate bastards out there. You could have slaughter houses and industrial poultry units. I’d buy them!

  23. Orlaith said:

    Am I seeing right or does the small print say ‘Every style’s fully wonderful’?

  24. Simon McGarr said:

    Farm Exploiter? What else is in the same range? Sea-life Extincter?

  25. Fiona said:

    Hmmm. Farm Exploiter was indeed a disappointment. Have high hopes for Champion Fastro though.

  26. Fergal said:

    There is a deep sadness in Fastro’s eyes. I like to think that if he could speak, he’d say “Fastro sad. Fastro wishes he was real boy”

  27. Simon McGarr said:

    Nothing says ages 3 and up like giant eye poking spikes on the top of a toy.

  28. Jess said:

    Just figured out how to put latest comments at the top in case ye get confuddled…

  29. Orlaith said:

    I wonder is Fastro short for fast robot? Clever manufacturers

  30. Shoeymcshoe said:

    @ Fergal Fastro is making me sad now too

  31. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I love the tattoo style inking on the corners. Some quality artwork going on here

  32. Fergal said:

    The giant pointy shoulders, the terrifyingly huge hand/claw arrangement, they don’t seem so frightening when you realise that Fastro, deep down, is scared and sad. Suddenly he looks like a little boy dressed up in a man’s clothes.

  33. Jess said:

    Poor Fastro is probably mostly sad that he can only move his arms from the shoulder, so lifting his gun is a weighty affair. “Killllll meeeee” his eyes plead….

  34. Shoeymcshoe said:

    @ Fergal Stop it! I will not shed tears for a manky toy. Not least while Shakin’ Stevens is singing at me from my telly

  35. Chimp said:

    I rekon even the farm exploiter could take him…

  36. Fiona said:

    Sacred Heart? There’s your morphing, RIGHT THERE.

  37. Fergal said:

    @Jess Fastro is a disaster of robot evolution. If he can only raise his arms from the shoulder, why the HUGE hands? He doesn’t need to beg us to kill him. He’s a sitting duck as it is.

  38. Simon McGarr said:

    Fastro is the only children’s plaything I’ve ever seen with matching “hip cocks”

  39. Simon McGarr said:

    Middle Class Crisis! I have lost the lid to my Aerochino! How will I froth the coffee to accompany this Lindt chocolates?

  40. Fiona said:

    Gaylord comes with a bone of his own?

  41. Jess said:

    Gaylord – “Batteries not included”. No shit!

  42. Fergal said:

    “Gaylord comes with a bone of his own”

    Posted without comment.

  43. Dan said:

    Please, put that thing out of its misery.

  44. Fiona said:

    (Husband wandering the house singing “Gaylord! Looks kinda crazy . . ” I want my money back, Manksters!)

  45. Orlaith said:

    50 seconds in and Gaylord bears a striking resemblance to Brian Cowen

  46. Pig said:

    Gaylord Rocks

  47. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I’ve found a selection of Christmas music introduced by Brian Blessed dressed as Santa. Result!

  48. Jess said:

    “Gaylord is a wonderful toy”. Is he EVEN a toy??

  49. Dan said:

    Gaylord is less of a toy, more of a morality tale.

  50. for music, Must be Santa by Bob Dylan, pleeze.

  51. Pig said:

    Did Fisher Price rip of the Gaylord with their pull along dog from the 70′s?

  52. bigredtomato said:

    Oh, Gaylord! You make me want to live in black and white. HI CHIMP!

  53. Skid Row Joe said:

    Gaylord can walkity walkity walk the walkity walkity walk,
    but can he talkity talkity talk the talkity talkity talk?

  54. Fergal said:

    I am a big admirer of Dylan’s “Must Be Santa”. You need the video for the full exmassy effect.

  55. Chimp said:

    @Pig did you have said pull along dog?

  56. Orlaith said:

    She has a look of Aoiffe from the Apprentice

  57. Fiona said:

    It’s a fairy leprechaun plastic spice girl! swooooooooooon!

  58. Simon McGarr said:

    I’m confident the story of Atlantis is out of copyright. Why go to the trouble to come up with the Manky Atlanic Empire? Then again. Why green hair.

  59. Fiona said:

    (Actually, I think I really might like her boots – open it! open it! OPENIT!)

  60. Jess said:

    Shoey – just doing the tit-test on the doll now…

  61. Fergal said:

    Man she’s hot. Is the doll, like, “anatomically accurate”?

  62. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Ooh, can’t wait for the results of that! Very important test. I love her hair

  63. Jess said:

    Yes! The tits are impervious to pressure from my thumb. Go. girl from Atlantis AKA Evasoul!

    @Fergal….. erm, she has pubes. I’m not kidding.

  64. Chimp said:

    Jess: What is this ‘tit test’ you speak of. Also why does she have wings? Surely when your home is under the sea woulnt you prefer gills or flippers?

  65. Fiona said:

    Blimey! The wimmins are HEROES! It’s a feminist toy (apart from the outrageous boobs and legs up to her kneck).

  66. Jess said:

    @Fiona – the boots come off and they’re fabulous. This a seriously exciting manky toy, with an exotic history. In your face, Champion Fastro!

  67. Shoeymcshoe said:

    The tit test shows up the true mankiness of your pound shop doll. If the boobs push in and stay in, it’s truly cheap tat. Not our girl here though! Hurrah!

  68. Dan said:

    Monk?

  69. Fergal said:

    @Jess I almost daren’t ask this…but is she a natural “green-head”?

  70. Simon McGarr said:

    Despite her Atlantran backstory, the photo on the box behind her suggests she lives at the bottom of the very unnautical Grand Canyon.

  71. Pig said:

    ‘People lived in a horrific life’

  72. Orlaith said:

    Their eyebrows have been inspired by Glenda Gilson

  73. Fiona said:

    @Fergal Excellent question.

  74. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Are we sure that these aren’t long lost Bangles dolls?

  75. Jess said:

    @Chimp – the tit-test is checking to see if the boobs cave in under thumb pressure or whether they stay proud.

    @Fergal, no, her hair is naturally skin coloured. and she’s not wearing knickers, wooooo!

  76. Chimp said:

    This is clear feminist claptrap. The ‘dark side’ is us men folk and the battles are domestic.

  77. Fiona said:

    @Jess Show us the boots! (I said BOOTS gentlemen! Sheesh)

  78. Orlaith said:

    If Chimp is right those boots will have spiked heels

  79. Simon McGarr said:

    You’ll be telling us about unexpected POA next.

  80. Jess said:

    @Fiona, I’ll see if F has a photo of the boots handy…

    I can reveal her eyes are bigger than her feet. It’s very strange.

  81. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Why did our poor heroine change from having Spirit power to Sprite power? That’s a harsh typo

  82. Jess said:

    Is Snow a power?

  83. Fergal said:

    The Sprite tie-in would explain the green clothes and hair.

  84. Chimp said:

    Jess: Agree, snow power sounds lame.. maybe blizzard, icestorm or even mild frost would be better.

  85. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Maybe it’s supposed to mean cocaine and she has the power to be obnoxious and loud?

  86. Simon McGarr said:

    If my eyes were bigger than my feet, I’d be hideous. Either that or I wouldn’t be able to stand .

  87. Chimp said:

    Re: Captain planet this is what wiki has to say about Ma-Ti the poor planeteer stuck with heart power..

    Ma-Ti uses the power of heart to instill love, care, compassion, and empathy into the people of the world to care for the planet.

    Lame!!

  88. Simon McGarr said:

    Teeth of Rage Power would sound good. I’d think twice before invading an Atlantis Empire with one of those. Also, are there not demarcation issues between Warrior and Fighter.

  89. Simon McGarr said:

    Plato always left out the important bits.

  90. Simon McGarr said:

    I’m rendered speechless by the Great Garloo. I just can’t seem to get my head around his little stop-cock steered life.

  91. Orlaith said:

    We have our own modern day equivalent of Garloo the untamed in the guise of Deputy Paul Gogarty

  92. Fergal said:

    By “Marx”? Bringing capitalsism down from the inside, eh Karl? Garloo should help things along nicely, so.

  93. fústar said:

    Too busy to read yer comments (much). But Jess’s tear-stained face tells me they’re of the funny variety.

  94. Orlaith said:

    The remote control looks a tad too cumbersome for the little childers to handle

  95. Simon McGarr said:

    Who knew Marx would infiltrate the homes of the boss classes by forcing their children to act out the opression of the Labouring, dehumanised classes.

  96. Fergal said:

    The cut from Garloo in his induistrial landscape-destroying prime to his life of domestic drudgery is heartbreaking. Like showing a majestic lion in the wild, hunting hown a Wildebees and tearing it apart with his teeth, then cutting to him yawning and depressed in a cappy circus.

    One day Garloo will snap. and when that day comes, MAY GOD SAVE US ALL.

  97. Chimp said:

    What the add doesnt show you is the great garloo is green and comes with a lovely loin cloth… oh and itll cost you $850

    http://cgi.ebay.com/Original-Marx-Great-Garloo-w-Box-All-Accessories_W0QQitemZ160383363179QQcmdZViewItemQQssPageNameZRSS:B:SRCH:US:101

  98. Shoeymcshoe said:

    “exciting – you are his master”

    So, so sad

  99. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I love a good choking hazard.

    Quickly, open it and who me what they change into

  100. Fergal said:

    @shoeymcshoe Putting “THE UNTAMED” in large letters on the back of the box is just sneering.

  101. Fiona said:

    Ooh. Looked away for a minute there, and came back to find two Movember toys. Apt, that one.

  102. Fergal said:

    “Super Change” was a rejected slogan for the Obama ’08 campaign.

  103. Skid Row Joe said:

    just spotted yer man on the right’s tache. Em, isn’t he working in a chipper in Brazil?

  104. Orlaith said:

    Their heads look quite miniscule compared to the artillery

  105. Simon McGarr said:

    I think they ought to change colour depending how acute the emergency they’re saving us from is.

  106. Skid Row Joe said:

    Since I got a Honky Tonk man action figure instead of the undertaker in 1992, I’ve been cursed with the unwanted alternate versions of the popular toys.
    Usually because my folks only went to Dundalk at 94mph on the 22nd clamoring for anything that looked like what I wrote down in my letter.
    But, compared to some firemen with HUGE shovels, you struck gold with Police Guy and his buddy Hugh.

  107. Fergal said:

    What’s with the guys in the bottom right? Are those skis they’re carrying on there backs. or wings of some sort?

  108. Orlaith said:

    Red chap on the top left looks like a cheap Flash Gordon knock-off

  109. Simon McGarr said:

    Holy Moley, that’s some busy box graphics! The mission force quartermaster must travel in a convoy of arms transporters.

  110. Fergal said:

    Also, I would like to hear more from Gorgothogohnx

  111. Skid Row Joe said:

    Bill and Ted, gotta appreciate that.
    Most excellent.

  112. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Is anyone a bit suspicious of the CE marks on these toys. They don’t look genuine to me.

  113. fústar said:

    Jess’s laptop borked! Oh noes!

    She wants to say:

    Policeman Hugh & Policeman Guy have a lot of weaponry to keep them busy, but they’re suffering from severe “wank-hand”.

  114. Simon McGarr said:

    Am I the only person to have noticed that Ninja Bill in the bottom right has a huge scythe growing out of his crotch?

  115. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I once walked into a lamp post on Dame Street while ogling some passing firemen.

  116. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I have no Manky Toys to offer tonight but I do have my (much loved) Manky Santa candle to share with you all

  117. Chimp said:

    Jess: ‘Wank-hand’ has been the standard deafult grip for any action figure for a genertaion. Best way to fit a gun in…

  118. fústar said:

    Best way to fit a gun in…

    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

  119. Fergal said:

    @shoey That Santa has a kind of pathetically hopeful look in his eyes. Like he’s turned up at your party bearing gifts and desperately hoping you’ll let him in. Sure you couldn’t turn him away. Though I’d worry he might be a bit needy.

  120. Orlaith said:

    There’s definitely something of the Toy-Whisperer about Fergal

  121. Shoeymcshoe said:

    @ Fergal But he has a yellow truck AND a Christmas tree! He’s the coolest Santa ever. No corporate Coke red for him, oh no. He’s keeping it real and brown.

    Besides, I think you are just out to see black despair in the eyes of every inanimate object you see tonight.

  122. Fergal said:

    @orlaith I can’t help it, I develop an immediate emotional relationship with them. I’m just too empathic, that’s my problem.

  123. Sarah said:

    Benign girl is toxically weird..i cant see anything super about this phone

  124. Fergal said:

    “Benign Girl” Best name ever.

    Part of a set? Is there a “Malign Girl”?

  125. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Beautiful Girl – press any button.

    Meet girls in your area, NOW. Just send the word GIRL to 57999 now and connect with girls, in your area. Right now.

  126. Fiona said:

    Benign girl! At least she’ll have benefits for the chillun’s vocabulary. I heartily approve!

  127. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I’m starting a choking hazard drinking game !

  128. fústar said:

    Jess off to bed. Just wanted to hold on for her beloved Benign Girl. Also, she’s on 6.30 am morning duty with our own benign girl. The lovely Willow.

    Plus…she’s shitfaced.

  129. Orlaith said:

    The word telephone just ruins it for me. It detracts from the otherwise ultra slick presentation. They should have just gone with mobile phone

  130. Simon McGarr said:

    I don’t think there is an ISO 500 accreditation.

  131. Chimp said:

    Look at those lassies chatting happily about there naegative mamograms…

  132. Fiona said:

    @Jess ‘night mrs. You were a hoot!

  133. Fergal said:

    Benign Girl has a kind of girl’s-comic vibe. The styling is very Bunty.

  134. Orlaith said:

    @Fergal I’d say more Mandy & Judy than Bunty

  135. Fergal said:

    @orlaith I will bow to your superior expertise in the matter. Though our host is something of a girl’s comic specialist.

  136. Orlaith said:

    I loved Mandy & Judy and Bunty as a young’un

  137. fústar said:

    Though our host is something of a girl’s comic specialist.

    Jan 22nd. SFX. Keep yer eyes peeled.

  138. Shoeymcshoe said:

    How can you try it? The batteries are still in the packaging! Oh the frustration.

    It’s enough to drive a woman to the freezer for some calming ice-cream

  139. Simon McGarr said:

    Can’t wait for that SFX magazine issue. I’m too excited. I’m going to squeeze my eyes shut and imagine I’m reading it now.

  140. Fiona said:

    I find the Try Me button quite passive aggressive, to be frank. Benign me hoop.

  141. Simon McGarr said:

    No good. I can’t read it with my eyes squeezed shut like this.

  142. Sarah said:

    Help, I fear the Gaylord anthem has reached the deep recesses of my brain- I am going to be singing it all night-

  143. Fergal said:

    More Gorgothogohnx!

  144. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Hey, it’s the missing Try Me button!

  145. fústar said:

    More Gorgothogohnx!

    Chill, dude. I’ve had him roaring “Transformers” in my earhole all night.

  146. Fergal said:

    The way the wheel seems to be growing out of the dogs stomach is weird.

  147. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Boxing? What? WHAT?

  148. Orlaith said:

    He has the unfortunate appearance of having a steak knife plunged into his neck and he’s gasping for his last breath…

  149. Fergal said:

    Also, isn’t that some kind of tracheotemy box in it’s neck? What hellish experiment in canine cyborgism is this?

  150. Urchinette said:

    Arriving late to the party to say that Benign Girl is possibly the best name of any toy, ever.

  151. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Maybe he’s one of those pool playing, smoking dogs. Let that be a lesson to you all.

  152. Fergal said:

    @shoey Roffle

  153. Simon McGarr said:

    All I wanted for Christmas was a Commodore 64. When I finally saved up enough money to buy one, they’d gone obsolete. I have refused to spend my Communion money on anything else unless it is as cool. So far, nothing has even come close.

  154. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I desperately wanted a Lionheart Care Bear. I got the Manky Toy version. It still burns.

    I did get a Sindy bike complete with a Lesbian Sindy. That made up for it really.

  155. Shoeymcshoe said:

    OMG> WANT!

    I want that Brassica!

  156. Orlaith said:

    Just remembered I used to have a toy pineapple

  157. Urchinette said:

    Jaysus, that cauliflower is like something out of H. P. Lovecraft.

  158. Fergal said:

    I love those vegetables. Actually, I think I may have a plush toy carrot somewhere about the house, if ungrateful niece hasn’t inherited it.

  159. Shoeymcshoe said:

    He was a very series vegetable, never smiled.

  160. Chimp said:

    So how do they sell Plush Vegetable Cauliflower?

    ‘plush vegertable cauliflower make child like vegetable but no eat make of posion from china coal mine’

  161. Shoeymcshoe said:

    See, I read that without the commas – a classical duck bear micky

    Think I had to much caffeine today

  162. Fergal said:

    I shudder to think of what their toy “micky” looks like.

  163. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Hey…It’s OctoDinoBatosauraus

  164. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Wow. A proper famous person.

  165. Orlaith said:

    I’m going to have to miss the end of the show cos I’ve an early start in the morrow. Best Toy Show ever. You deserve a splice of Tubridy’s wage packet after all that

  166. Simon McGarr said:

    FERGAL needs to tell the story of Christmas Town, China. I have no keyboard, so it would take me too long.

  167. Fergal said:

    I don;t know the story of Christmas town. But I am going to guess that it is an industrial city in China that makes Christmas toys and decorations, all year round, for the global market.

  168. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Was it not the other Simon that went there with his friends to set up a temporary Christmas shop?

  169. Simon McGarr said:

    Maybe it was Antoin who told me about it. Apparently, it’s organised into sections. Star avenue. LED street. They even have a Santa slum.

  170. fústar said:

    I’m going to have to miss the end of the show cos I’ve an early start in the morrow. Best Toy Show ever. You deserve a splice of Tubridy’s wage packet after all that.

    Ta. Orlaith. Sweet dreams and adventures in the kingdoms of nod.

  171. Urchinette said:

    My sister has a cuddly Cthulhu! She acquired it somehow as an adult, though; it wasn’t a treasured childhood toy. That would have been pretty sinister. Especially as, in the late ’70s, my parents would have had to fashion the stuffed Cthulhu themselves…

  172. Chimp said:

    I too must take myself to bed.. night one and all..night Gorgothogohnx

  173. Fergal said:

    I do have a friend who set up a temporary Christmas shop in Sligo shopping centre. But his travels to source the appropriate tat brought him no further than a warehouse somewhere in England. I have no doubt that all the said products orgininated in the same Chinese city.

  174. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Your instructions do not resemble your product

  175. Simon McGarr said:

    Little Drummer Boy with Bing and Bowie on the telly. Talking section at the start has a feel of being scripted by Bob Hope’s gag machines.

  176. Fergal said:

    I love that Bowie & Bing video. Though these days it seems more like an Adam & Joe parody

  177. fústar said:

    I too must take myself to bed.. night one and all..night Gorgothogohnx

    Gorgothogohnx: No. No mint.

  178. Shoeymcshoe said:

    It’s not even the same colour. It’s like some sort of impossi-puzzle

  179. Shoeymcshoe said:

    I love you long time

  180. Simon McGarr said:

    That was gibberish even in the original Mandarin. They’re just messing with you now.

  181. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Well, I’m asking Santy for an Evesoul and a cauliflower

  182. Fergal said:

    Ideally, I’d like a tin can alley. Failing that, I’ll settle for a chthulu.

  183. Simon McGarr said:

    ONE. MORE. TOY!

  184. Shoeymcshoe said:

    One. More. Toy.

  185. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Roll it there Colette

  186. bigredtomato said:

    One. More. Toy?

  187. Shoeymcshoe said:

    My God, a FOUR euro toy. That’s like the Toy Show equivalent of a Wii!

    Fret not, wrong batteries not only chimes nicely with many a traditional Christmas morning but also with all those toys that Gaybo kicked across the floor in frustration.

  188. Shoeymcshoe said:

    These children and these children alone are responsible for all our world’s ills.

  189. Shoeymcshoe said:

    Those are…NAMA children.

    Except the one who got sent to the Poor Farm. She was a public servant.

  190. Simon McGarr said:

    Hooray for Manky Toy Show! Now zzzzzz

  191. Fergal said:

    It is only now that I realise what an appalling piece of capitalist propaganda the Game of Life Truly is. The entire recession can be blamed upon its malign influence.

  192. Shoeymcshoe said:

    A triumph of Manky Toyness!! Thanks to Fustar and the lovely Jess. Brilliant fun

    Night night all

  193. fústar said:

    A triumph of Manky Toyness!! Thanks to Fustar and the lovely Jess. Brilliant fun

    Night night all

    I look forward to reading your lovely comments tomorrow! I’m outside looking in, as it were. Will enjoy the re-run in the morn. Night night.

  194. Simon McGarr said:

    MB Games, you sully young minds with your propaganda.

  195. fústar said:

    The Man: So what did you make of it all, Gorgothogohnx?

    Gorgothogohnx: Unpleasing.

    The Man: WHAT?! Why so?

    Gorgothogohnx: Transformers.

    The Man: But there was…

    Gorgothogohnx: Insufficient.

    The Man: Oh. Night, Gorgothogohnx.

    (closes bin lid)

    (Gorgothogohnx continues to stare)

  196. bigredtomato said:

    Well done my friend, well done. My first transatlantic Manky Toy Show. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  197. Fergal said:

    Goodnight to all. Another wonderful Manky Toy Show. Goodnight, Gorgothogohnx. I’ll miss you most of all…

  198. Eoin said:

    That may be the mankiest collection of mank ever put together on the intertubes. I doff my hat to you sir, I doff it.

    p.s. I want a Garloo.

  199. fústar said:

    p.s. I want a Garloo.

    Leave the poor guy alone! He’s retired. His life of servitude and humiliation is over.

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