The 9th Circle Film Club: The Cartier Affair (1984)

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Zealous and pedantic fans of Joan Collins and David Hasselhoff will have to forgive me. Their 1984 made-for-tv, wannabe-screwball crapfest The Cartier Affair (in which they come together like a kitsch immovable object meeting a camp unstoppable force) caused me to fall asleep. Twice. Plus I missed the end.

It is, therefore, difficult to seperate the facts (the mental, mental facts) from the fictions of my fevered dreams. I may have filled in gaps, or tidied up loose narrative threads. Doing more asleep than the screenwriters did when fully conscious.

To summarise: The Cartier Affair sees bumbling ex-con David Hasselhoff pretend to be a gay secretary so he can steal Joan Collins' jewels and repay his debts to gangster Telly Savalas. Astonishingly, none of that is dream-stuff.

Joan, as she has done for practically her whole career, plays herself (or at least the "herself" she has spent her professional life creating). Her improbable name (mixing hints of jewels with bigger hints of sexual predatoriness) is Cartier Rand: disenchanted glamour-puss star of a shit daytime soap. She wants out. She wants to do stage work, to push herself as an actress. To escape the icon of seduction and excess she has become.

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"I am Cartier Rand!", she bawls at one stage, "Whoever that is. That's not even my real name!". Yes, very non-good as The Cartier Affair undoubtedly is, it dares to, well, go a bit Meta. With Joan playing herself, playing Alexis Carrington, who in turn (of course) is a version of the "herself" Joan created to replace and eclipse the real herself (whoever that is). It's like Being John Malkovich meets Last Action Hero, penned by Murder She Wrote hacks.

In what may well be the campest scene in film/tv history, Joan and Der Hoff (her "gay" secretary remember) go jogging. Bedecked in sweatbands, leg-warmers and other "Let's Get Physical" accoutrements. Set your brains to "Jesus!".

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In their defenses (and to be scrupulously fair) they actually carry off their poor-man/woman's Katherine Hepburn/Cary Grant double act with a reasonably deft comic touch. She (of course) cutting and uber-bitchy. He wide-eyed and naïf. But, sexual chemistry? There is zero. Less than zero. A big, black, anti-sex hole of zero. Doesn't stop them getting it on and humping each other though. In a fist-chewingly upsetting sequence with all the erotic charge of damp cling-film.

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Bleeeurrrghhh!

May 18, 2010

13 responses to The 9th Circle Film Club: The Cartier Affair (1984)

  1. Roisinod said:

    That last still nearly made me throw up my porridge all over my keyboard. BLEEEEEURRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

  2. fústar said:

    The scene is mercifully brief…but still enough to put anyone off sex for life.

  3. Fergal said:

    Set your brains to “Jesus!”

    I literally lolled at that.

    I’m thinking of using that last still as my new Twitter avatar.

  4. fústar said:

    I’m thinking of using that last still as my new Twitter avatar.

    With your patented Man from Del Monte meets Lex Luthor style you could easily be one of Joan’s jilted ex-husbands in a soap about the Cote d’Azur yachting class. She thinks you died in that plantation fire. Or something.

  5. Watchmen had a sex scene that might have endangered the human race through loss of libido had more people actually gone to see it.

  6. fústar said:

    Didn’t see it and won’t see it. Think the worst sex scene I’ve ever seen is the oiled-up, muscled-up, moistened soft-focus fuckfest between Sharon Stone and Sly Stallone in The Specialist. It. Is. Hideous.

  7. ANYTHING with Sharon Stone getting it on is pretty rancid. But hey, that’s karma, eh Sharon?

  8. Roisinod said:

    Oh god, I came back whilst eating my porridge again and now I’m getting visuals of Sharon Stone and Sly Stallone-BLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEUUUUURRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH. I should really stop reading this at breakfast.

  9. fústar said:

    It’s more like a work-out than anything else. Aimed at muscle and spacious shower fetishists.

  10. Chimp said:

    I remember as a young lad being unfortunate enough to see Ken and Deirdre Barlow getting it on in one of Coronation Streets ‘sexier’ moments. It had a lasting and detrimental effect on my mental health.

  11. fústar said:

    I remember as a young lad being unfortunate enough to see Ken and Deirdre Barlow getting it on in one of Coronation Streets ‘sexier’ moments.

    …proving that there are some things worse than seeing Joan and the Hoff rutting.

  12. fústar said:

    Deirdre Barlow actually saw a fair bit of action for someone with glasses that big.

  13. Pingback: Truth About It » #WizardsRank: Cartier Martin, No. 17: Giving Meaning to Second Chances

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