Follow the White Rabbit (A World Cup Special)
Several years back, during yet another of the many football tournaments in which England have bowed out like whimpering dogs covered in mange and puke, the residents of Albert Square sat down to watch an England match on the big-screen TV in the Old Vic. I remember this because a) It was one of the 3 episodes of Eastenders I’ve ever seen, and b) because what happened next was mind-bendingly mental.
Barbara Windsor (paraphrased): ‘Ere! The match is about to start.
Old Vic: Yay! Come on England!
Barbara flicks on BBC 1 and…nothing but static and fuzz. No picture. No match. And you know why? Because what was on BBC 1 at that exact moment was Eastenders itself! So what we should have seen was a pub full of bewildered and blinking and head-fucked Albert Square residents staring at themselves staring at a screen…staring at themselves…ad infintium. It would have been a Truman Show meets The Matrix moment so quantumly postmodern it would have torn the fabric of reality to itty bitty pieces (like CERN the Soap Opera).
I was reminded of how close our universe came to collapsing in on itself by my copy of Titan Books’ Roy of the Rovers: World Cup Special. In the 1978 extracts Roy eases the pain of a (real-life) non-qualified nation by becoming player-manager of a (slightly unreal-life) national team.
Out of his (first) first eleven, six players are from Melchester Rovers (jobs for the boys), three (Nipper Lawrence, Mike Bateson & Johnny Dexter) are from “Blackport” and "Real Granpala" (other fictional teams that existed in the same comic but in parallel footballing dimensions) and two (Malcolm MacDonald and Trevor Francis) are drawings of actual 3-dimensional players who live in our own real universe. I say “our own real universe”…but at this point the inter-textual, worlds-colliding weirdness makes you doubt the (meat 'n' two veg) realness of anything.
I feel terribly lost. Like an Eastender gawping at myself gawping at myself gawping at myself. Following the white rabbit…
July 9, 2010
9 responses to Follow the White Rabbit (A World Cup Special)
I actually remember that episode
It was almost one of the great moments in TV history (‘cept they bottled it). Like Bobby Ewing waking up in the shower to realise that not only has he dreamed all of the events of the last season, but he is, in addition, merely a character in a television show. A self-awareness overload that would have blown brains out left, right & centre.
Haha!
Did that Eastender’s episode actually exist!?
That’s great.
It really, really did.
Trevor Francis looks more realistic on the cover than in this universe.. if that’s possible
I believe CERN the Soap Opera has potential. It could be a musical like Glee.
I love the way it says “Birmingham City” after his name. A team, and indeed a city, that doesn’t actually exist in the Roy universe. Where did he come from? Who is he? Why does he look a bit off? These are questions the no doubt perplexed Melchester fans were asking themselves.
It would be about life and love and trying to function despite the constant fear that one might, at any moment, inadvertently destroy the universe. It’d be grippingly tense.
I thought Trevor Francis played for Burndean?
As I recall, you had a Burndean season ticket at one stage. You couldn’t explain how and where you’d got it. And couldn’t work out how you could use it.