Back when Manky Toy Monday was but a weak and mewling infant I suggested (by way of a partial mission statement) that:

Special attention will be paid to those delightfully crappy knock-offs and pastiches of established brands. For every Star Wars action figure, after all, there is a shadowy (and mega-lame) Galaxy Battles doppelgänger. For every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle there is a distant and embarrassing cousin: let’s call him Kung-Fu Newt.

That was almost one year to the day ago (tomorrow is MTM's official birthday). How many 2 Euro Star Wars knock-offs have I seen since then? None in Limerick. Nor in Galway. Nor in Dublin. None, even, in Venice. Not a single one…anywhere.

Given that 2 Euro shops are (as I have learned) fairly accurate "fad barometers" (or bad farometers) this absence seems to suggest that the Star Wars universe is no longer deemed that floggable. The lumpy plastic Lukes and Chewbaccas (there were always Chewies) that once lined the shelves of such establishments have been shunted aside to make way for Spider-Man products by the shit-load. Spidey, it seems, is the new black, with every young fella I know loving the lord of the webslingers to the point of near obsession.

I'm not sure exactly when this mass clear-out of Galaxy Battles – I mean Star Wars – merchandise actually happened. Was it around the time kids were being encouraged to buy Jar-Jar beanie babies and Rugor Nass¹ sleeping bags? If so, a question begs itself: Did George Lucas create a series of prequels so bankrupt that even the Manky Toy-mongers deserted him?

Whatever the case may be we should be thankful for The Star Wars Collector's Archive and, in particular, its fantabulous "Bootlegs" page. The fact that Manky Toy Monday had not 'touched base' with it before is a source of shame and regret (though I'm exceedingly grateful to Niall Munnelly for pointing me in its direction). It really is a delicious cornucopia of the bad, the worse, and the "so bad it's better than the original". I've never previously allowed anything into this series that I didn't hold in my own sweaty hands but these are just too good (i.e. bad) to ignore.

First up – Logray, the Ewok medicine man (bought, the archive tells us, "somewhere in South America"). That's what he's supposed to look like on the left. The bootleg (as you may have guessed) is on the right.

The author of the entry (a Ron Salvatore) offers a summary of Bootleg Logray that's almost impossible to surpass, describing him as "a half-rotten banana with gray mashed potatoes heaped on top". He doesn't, however, mention the impression given by the clear plastic bag and the (ecstatic) open-mouthed expression on Logray's face. A definite suggestion of auto-erotic Ewok asphyxiation gone wrong methinks.²

Let us move on promptly to these magnificent early Dutch gems, sold (apparently) before official merchandise was available in the Netherlands:

That Chewbacca may well be one of the greatest objects ever hewn from rubber or plastic. If they had a crap Waxwork Museum on Kashyyyk then an 8-foot version of this would be on display in the lobby "honouring" its favourite son. The Stormtrooper looks like a down-on-his-luck Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (tapping change from passers-by) while the Vader is…surprisingly accurate, though he appears to have ditched the traditional lightsaber and gone for a more low-tech solution to killing and dismemberment.

Another Jedi opting for a less noisy blade is Vader Jr. – Mexican Luke Skywalker.

Aside from the fact that it's got the most delightful backing card I've ever seen, this classic bit of mankiness manages to knock-off not one, but two fantasy/sci-fi universes. Yes fan-boys and girls, it's "The Sword of Omens" – more usually the property of the Lord of the Thundercats. I wouldn't mind but the Luke on the card (not 3 centimetres away) is wielding a lightsaber.

Possibly my favourite page on the archive is one featuring a motley crew of Mexican Vaders (reflecting the enduring appeal of masked baddies perhaps). Here's but a taste:

Everything about the "Darth" second from left is just hilarious – his puny frame, his awkward posture, his over-tight trousers (and protruding groin), his ineffective looking black club (etc). He looks mortified – as if he'd been dressed (hurriedly) by his mum.

Truly a golden age of mankiness. Its like will (thanks, in part, to the joyless party-poopers from EU consumer affairs) never be seen again.

1. The fat fella underwater in D'Phantom Menace. [back]
2. There are worse ways to bow out I suppose… [back]