First up we have this rather ferocious looking grappler and his pet lizard (and pet bin):

So far, so bog-standard beefcake? Wait till you see the packaging:

Now I haven't watched professional wrestling for a number of years, mainly because (as Debbie Reynolds says in Singin' in the Rain) "the personalities on the screen just don't impress me". If, however, the WWE was to change its name (once again) to Powered Maniac Bellow, and if the combatants had names like "Superior Wrestle King" (and entered the 'squared circle' accompanied by salamanders & iguanas)¹ then I might be persuaded to revive my youthful enthusiasm for "sports entertainment".

Next on the agenda is a tasty slice of mashing-up and crossing-over. Since the chiddlers love Spider-Man (Marvel), Batman (DC) and Mr. Incredible (er…Pixar), why not happily ignore the fact that they appear to exist in different universes and bang them all into the same 2 Euro package? Something for everyone.

Keen eyes may have noticed that while Spidey appears fairly accurate (two spiders on his chest and a Power-Rangers-ish look notwithstanding), there's something ever so slightly off about the other lads.

Let's start with Bats. He appears to be wearing a pair of very tight blue jeans (Mike Donovan eat your heart out), he's stripped to the waist, he's green, his mask seems to be part of his face/head and he has apples as hands & feet. Other than that, they nailed the character superbly.

What of the pater familias of the Incredible clan? The same apples, the same semi-nakedness, red jeans this time, and…oh yes, he appears to be The Thing.

It's only when you get the boys out of the box, however, that the full extent of their weirdness becomes evident. As the picture below demonstrates, they are the (very cheap) offspring of an unholy union between Stretch Armstrong and Cheestrings:

If you stuck Spidey in the middle it'd be hard not to be reminded of a certain (reasonably well-known) crucifixion scene ("Oh Aunt May! Why have you forsaken me…and let my bedroom out to a lodger for extra cash?").

Continuing in a Christian vein – what unites today's two offerings is their ability to function as funky and affordable Sacred Heart ornaments.

While in Christ's case the light/fire may represent "the transformative power of love", the functions in these manky instances are not as obvious.

"The bewildering power of light"?

"The (handy) paralysing ability of beams?"

"The dependable lure of a cheap gimmick?"

Jesus wept…

1. The lizard is, I imagine, a nod to the legendary Jake "The Snake" Roberts. [back]