In a memorable exchange with his Jesus-lovin' father-in-law, Larry David (the "fictional" Curb Your Enthusiasm version) speculated on what it might take for him to get enthusiastic about the Christian God(s):

"Y'see, I could see worshipping Jesus if he were a girl. Like if God had a daughter. Jane. I'll worship a Jane. But. y'know, to worship a guy…it's like a little, kinda, gay, isn't it?"

In reality, of course, "Jane" (sort of) exists. In fact, she's probably one of the most popular sort-of-existing entities in Ireland. Except here she's better (and more formally) known as "Our Lady". Or (if you're feeling acronymous) the BVM.¹

The BVM may not be God's daughter exactly (well, simultaneously daughter, mother and…er…"partner"), but she otherwise fulfils a pretty "Jane"-like role. Whether haunting rural glades and copses, or materialising on slices of Battenberg cake – the BVM is the "Christian" face that even wretched heathens like myself can warm to. She's a nurturing mother, an archetypal link with a pre-Christian (goddess-dominated) past, a fairy queen, and (let's not forget) a radiant & natural looker to boot. It's easy to hail Jane.

The good people of Rathkeale and its surrounds obviously agree – for they've taken to hailing a tree stump manifestation of Jane with some gusto.

Responses have been predictable, and predictably tedious. Orthodox (by the book) priests frown darkly and mutter the words "graven image". Meeja "humourists" lick their lips and spew forth facile gack about credulous boggers. Sober (Dawkins-esque) atheists shake their wise heads sadly and despair of a world so stuffed with superstitious rot. A motley crew is united in condemnation. Tsk, tsk. Oh dear, oh dear. Ha, ha.

Meanwhile, the stump continues to pull the crowds. Hawkers of holy medals, rosary beads and plastic screw-top Mary bottles count the Euros. Cute tongue-in-cheek locals serve up tasty/folksy quotes for the benefit of big city media types. A pop/folk-Catholicism celebrates itself as the storms of blasphemous libel and institutional abuse rage about it.

Says (a presumably beleaguered) parish priest Fr Willie Russell:

"There's nothing there…it's just a tree…you can't worship a tree".

Sorry Willie, but you clearly can. Or if not a tree exactly, then some sort of potent Mary/Dryad/tree hybrid. What he really means, of course, is "you shouldn't worship a tree". Stupid, stupid people. They believe the wrong things. They vote the wrong way. They simply can't be trusted. I mean to say, they're worshipping Jane the tree for God's sake! What is to be done with them?

Never fear. Intelligent, rational people of influence will always (in such situations) step in to patronise the shit out of them and make them feel thick. We'll all have a good laugh, and they'll all learn a humbling (educational) lesson. Or so we must hope.

1. Blessed Virgin Mary. [back]