Allow me to clarify, again, exactly what's "planned".

1) We want you to buy (borrow or steal) a blank postcard.

2) We want you to then adorn this postcard with your own nude drawing, doodle, collage (etc) of Brian Cowen. These creations can be as "amateur", crude or (indeed) lavish as you see fit. There are no rules. The only restriction being the postcard format. Total freedom is yours. Go nuts.

3) Pop your masterwork in the post to me (address available on request).

4) If/When we collect enough postcards together we'll find a sympathetic gallery space where your creations can be exhibited formally. Hell, there may even be (if it grows into a behemoth) catalogues, guest speakers, wine and cheese freebies etc. We'll see.

All of this is (for me at least) in the spirit of subversive play, satirical mischief-making and artistic absurdity. All joyous things worth preserving and promoting.

The serried rows of cards, each depicting (in their own unique ways) a bollock-naked Taoiseach, will (I hope) both make for an impressive visual, and state emphatically (& amusingly) that the outrageous shit of the last few days will not be tolerated.

Email me (or drop a comment below) for postal address.

Let's get moving and cracking.

Update 01/04/09: I'd appreciate it if people who've already posted cards could tell me a) when they posted them, and, b) If the images were full nudes, partial nudes etc! Reason being, most of the cards that have arrived thus far have either been non-nudey or hidden inside envelopes. This could just be coincidental…but I'd still like to know. Drop a comment or email me (address on sidebar).

Update 02/04/09: I've already sent emails (or Twitter messages) with my address to everyone who's shown interest. If you haven't got yours then tell me & I'll resend. There seems to be an issue with some emails disappearing into the ether…

First port of call was the National Portrait Collection of Ireland, Bourn Vincent Gallery (UL). On its stark white walls I stuck my Cowen/Gravely-ill Badger postcard. Like Martin Luther's 95 theses – only with more dotted lines of piss.

And a close up:

The total absence of FF-sponsored, brutally repressive, security guard goons was a disappointment – but the CCTV cameras that watched my every move no doubt wired their signal straight back to party headquarters. I'll be found face down in a dumpster with a plastic bag over my head before the week's out.

With this job done I flung open the doors and headed out into the wilds (i.e a grassy courtyard): there to share my love of freedom with the myriad spirits of nature. There can be no greater act of communion with Mother Earth than Blu-Tacking a rude postcard to a tree. Behold:

And behold again:

This is a softer, almost (dare I say) touching, Cowen nude. There he is for all the world to see. Stripped of his bullish facade. Stripped of his aura of power. Stripped of his jocks. I could just pick him up, kiss him on his tiny little head, and pop him in my breast pocket. If I didn't hate him for pissing on that poor sick badger. Boo!

Update, 25/03/09, 23.48:
Ok. I hereby want to encourage every single person reading this to send me (via post) a nude Brian Cowen postcard (ask for my address and it will be given). If we gather enough together I'll find a way to exhibit them publicly. If some fail to arrive then we'll also have "postalgate" to concern ourselves with. This is not a joke. I genuinely want to do it.

Might I just add. Cock. Balls. Fanny. And R.I.P. Irish satirical play & mischief-making.

Update: Fergal is asking (via Twitter) that the nation be "wallpapered with naked Cowens". So tomorrow, before breakfast, hell…before anything, get the pens and paper out and create your own hideous nudey portrait of our immortal leader. Then saunter out (whistling a merry tune as you go) and stick it to the nearest public wall, lamp-post, passer-by etc. Do it. For the sake of the nation's children.

Further Update: Damien is demanding much the same thing. Viene una tormenta.

Plain People of Ireland: (brightly) "Well", as the divil once said, "That's the Christmas over for another year thank God!"

Myself: Indeed. A bloated orgy of drink, turkey and ostentatious consumption…

Plain People of Ireland: (unsure) That's right…

Myself:…a lurid festival of debauch where we sing the praises of Mammon to ward off the dark and drear of…

Plain People of Ireland: (interrupting) Er, c'mere and tell us this. Do you ever remember a fella called Bunny Carr at all?

Myself: Sure I do of course. "Quicksilver"…

Plain People of Ireland: (chuckling) Oh yes.

Myself: With 5p questions, Norman Metcalfe and his organ, Goosy Goosy Gandhi and so forth.

Plain People of Ireland: (slapping thighs) That's the wan! Stop the Lights! Weren't we awful innocent back then? What else?

Myself "Going Strong"…

Plain People of Ireland: Oh yes. All the ould biddies.

Myself: Ann O'Dwyer singing "We'll Meet again". Nostalgic tears flowing in the audience. Photographs of grandchildren being exchanged. An ambulance outside the door…

Plain People of Ireland: (doubled over with laughter) Oh Lord God! You're an awful man. 'Tis true though.

Myself: Not a word of a lie.

Plain People of Ireland: But c'mere, there's a reason we mentioned Bunny. You know, out of the blue as it were.

Myself: Go on.

Plain People of Ireland: We've a late Christmas present for you. Here! (parcel shoved in my direction)

Myself: (unwrapping) Why it's a used copy of the Quicksilver: Round-the-World Quiz Book. Thanks!

Plain People of Ireland: Not at all. (Leaning in to whisper) Of course…didn't he do a legger off to Mexico with a Texaco bag full of Gorta money. Never seen since. Well…enjoy! (A puff of stale tobacco smoke fills the air. It clears. I am left alone)

Myself: Hmmm, let's have a look…

Yes folks, after reading the other day (via Damien Mulley) about the thriving market for out of print, vintage Irish TV quiz books what do I have in my hands but a gem of the rarest sort. If "Where in the World" volumes are going for £201 (sterling) then what should I be insuring the above for?

Having worked in the antiquarian book business for a time, and become fairly literate when it comes to associated terminology, I'd describe the volume as "near fine" – a remarkable fact given its likely age and disposability. I say "likely" because the book is dateless. Research into "Canavaun Books" has proved similarly unrevealing…though I can confirm that (in addition to the above volume) they also published the intriguingly titled (63 page) Patrick Myler's Celebrity Files.

I happily confess to being in the dark as to who Mr. Myler is/was, or what his celebrity files contained. I should also point collectors of the obscure (whose interests might now be piqued) in the direction of this sad Amazon message:

Currently unavailable. We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock.

Distressing news, but this might cheer you all up. It's Picture Quiz No. 5 (in glorious black and white) from the Quicksilver volume:

Who be he? Here are the clues.

This Irish singing star's wardrobe is by now both varied and extensive. Here he wears the garb of Aladdin for an RTÉ pantomime; he has also donned Joseph's Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat. (p. 64)

First answer out of the hat will win a Manky Toy.

Before closing I should add that the "he ran off with a sack of charity money" slur that has attached itself to Bunny's (unusual) name over the years is (from what I can tell) totally unfounded. Though he may have combined (in Horace Cantwell's words) "Larry Gogan's 'Ah they didn't suit you' bonhomie with the sinister undertones of a high-ranking officer in the SS", this particular pre-internet "urban myth" seems built on very shaky foundations.

I've always nurtured a sick and secret ambition to be a game-show host, so if anyone feels like answering a 5p, 10p, 50p, £1, or (in a moment of wild hubris) £5 question then let me know. My clip on bow-tie and sparkly jacket are at the ready.

9.00 – Hup! Hup! Quiet down now.

Welcome dear friends, lads and lassies, boys and girls, mices and meeses, to the first ever fustar.info Manky Toy Show. We have a great live program (un)prepared for you tonight. Music, mirth, merriment and (most importantly) Manky Toys.

Unlike our Late Late cousin there'll be none of the chipper, "up-with-people-ness" of the Billy Barry Brats, and no selling out (like big corpo-whores) to "the man". Everything seen here cost 2 Euros or less and neither Mattel nor Hasbro has greased my palm with silver (even though the night is young and I remain open to offers).

Let us begin and get ourselves in the mood with some music. Two unlikely neighbours. One olde Englishe castle. An absent Sir Percival.

9.04 – Is it just me or does Bowie carry this air of coiled menace ("Sir Percival let's me use his piano when he's away")?! Bing looks quite vulnerable in that cardigan. Speaking of which, that's what I'm wearing for the occasion tonight. And I've got a dog, a log fire, a pipe, and another dog (actually 2 cats).

9.06 – On to the first toy. It's a delightful slice of poor-man's Lego, simply called "Navvy". Jess (my lovely assistant) is opening the box now.

9.09 – She's busily putting it together so we'll leave her to it for a few moments. Can I draw your attention to the following disclaimer on the back of the box?

Specifications, colours and contents may vary from illustrations.

And contents?! That's not exactly confidence-inspiring. First glance suggests it appears fairly close to the depiction on the box however. By that I mean the box doesn't contain jelly babies…or coal.

9.15 – She's struggling with the wheels, which nattily have the legend "Jun Long Toys" inscribed on them. One wonders what "Lego purist" Bob Byrne would make of "Navvy". He's about 5 times the size of a conventional Lego man and rather robust (Navvy that is…not Bob).

9.19 – Toy completed. It's huge and, in Jess's words, "Not manky, though slightly delicate". The steering wheel turns, the knob to lift the shovel yoke goes up and down, Navvy's pedestal/cabin spins around. "Jun Long Toys" have come up with a winner here. A toy so not-manky it would make a genuinely generous gift. How disappointing…

Only thing that marks it as a 2 Euro special is a non-detachable baseball cap (not pictured on the box, as warned) and that Navvy's "freckles" look distinctly unhealthy. More like the pox of the chicken.

9.25 – Hoorah! We have at least one audience member. The lovely Simon McGarr, loyally joining in "from far away through the magic of N800 and phone internet connection".

9.29 – Half an hour in and time for the first word from one of our sponsors. Check it out. Toys every hip, 2007 youngster will want in his/her stocking.

9.33 – From the days when toy advertising was…surprisingly pedestrian. The Neanderthal baddie just stood there waiting for the Action Copter to grab him. And what about the "Sea Wolf"?

The action team submarine that actually dives and surfaces.

By diving it seems to mean sinking slowly to the bottom in an uncontrolled manner. It nearly crushed an innocent (and alarmed) Goldfish for Christ's sake.

"Bullet Man" is, surely, one of the worst ever additions to the Action Man universe. A "hero" with but one ability – sliding down a piece of twine until he lands head first on the ground. Go Bullet Man!!

9.39 – We're back and moving on to toy number two. And what a "number two" it is.

This one will have the kiddies excirah and delirah I'm sure. It's the "Spider-Man Telephone". Actually a stiff plastic figure that looks (in Jess's words) like a small boy wearing an ill-fitting Spider-Man outfit. The box warrants a bit of close scrutiny. In the top right corner is, for no particular reason, the "Baby face in the sun" thing from Teletubbies. Half-way down we see a picture of a prone Spidey with a light shining from a cavity in his skull. The legend proclaims:

Nighttime a bankable actor Electric torch use.

Nice and clear. Next pic shows Spidey walking and promises, "Feet can sway". We've tried, and they can't.

9.49 – I've cheated a bit with this one. He needed 2 (non-included) batteries so I had to do a bit of "one I made earlier" stuff. This included a natty video, which showcases the weird (and very loud) things that happen when you try and call your mother for a chat.

9.53 – Unlike "Navvy" (who does what he says on the tin) this is a deeply confusing and upsetting toy. Some odd singing, a dog barking, a lingo I can't make head nor tail off. Plus, as Jess notes, by using Spidey to make a phone call you can't avoid speaking into his crotch. Whether that's a plus or a minus is, I suppose, down to your own tastes and predilections. The torch is pretty nifty though. Nighttime a bankable actor indeed.

9.58 – Simon may be on to something here:

As regards the packaging- “Nighttime a bankable actor Electric torch use�- this is the kind of secret code that would-be spidermen with buttons inset to their torsos should be able to crack in mere minutes.

That'll have me awake all night…

10.00 – One hour gone. Time to pour myself a soothing glass of Cote de Nuits-Villages (1999). If I were pushed to describe it I'd say it was robust, full-bodied, red, wet and…er…tasty. The blurb on the back of the bottle is somewhat more fanciful and flowery:

To taste our wines is like living through a dream, like listening to a poem, or perhaps a symphony.

Yup. Like I said. Red and wet.

10.10 – And now, methinks, another ad break. Prepare to enjoy the mendacity-tastic adventures of everyone's favourite recently-deceased daredevil:

10.16 – It's hard not to weep bitter tears when you see some of the impossible carry-on Evil was only ever able to achieve in ads. My Evil tended to rocket out of the blocks before veering wildly into a wall, or (simply) falling over. That said, the gruesome looking crash he suffers right at the end of the first advertisement adds an unexpectedly disturbing note to proceedings. Six months in traction at the very least I'd say.

The third segment is a bit more modest in its claims, given that one of Evil's "super abilities" is the ability to "drive straight". Wow!

10.23 – I think we could well be heading for overtime at this rate. Anyway, moving slowly on to our next offering. With a scarcity of Wiis doing the rounds this Christmas it might be time to consider the charms of "PolyBlock One" – "BSC Bloch System Controller With DFE Double Flash Effect" (as the box proudly, and unhelpfully, declares).

10.27 – Jess is ripping the box to shreds. It's out, and…there are no bloody batteries included. This despite it listing 2AA Batteries among its features. Bah! Hang on…we'll tear them out of the Spidey phone.

10.32 – Ok we're off. There are some bleeping sounds, some blocky shapes that look like antibodies, I'm trying to figure out which buttons to press. Shit! "Game Over"!

10.34 – Right. This is beginning to look like outright fraud! The "PolyBlock One" (no relation to a product from Sony) seems to be designed to bamboozle you with beeps, randomly shifting squares, and buttons that say things like "rotate" and "sound". I've been playing video games since I was a pale, short-trousered youth and I've no fucking idea what's going on! Listen to the instructions…

4. Rotate – Rotate the falling element/game select.
5. Down/Game – For each kinds of game select different number forward.
8. Move the Dragon Upward.

What element? What Dragon?? All I see are squares that fail to respond to my frantic button mashing. Then, 2 seconds later, "Game Over".

22.40 – Hold everything. Jess has just declared, "I think I'm getting the hang of this. You have to shoot things using the rotate button". My brain hurts.

10.44 – Folks, we could be looking at the mankiest toy this blog has ever come into contact with. It's reach so far exceeds its grasp that it's like a burst and leaking Stretch Armstrong. Every time I look at "Feature. 1″ on the back of the box I feel the red mist rising.

1. Lots of exciting game in it.

The disclaimer should read, "If you can find it". Jess says she "saw a Tetris-style game briefly" but that she "doesn't know what happened to it" or how she found it. "PolyBlock One", it seems, is all about the (deeply frustrating) quest.

10.52 – To lift our spirits we're dipping into the Cote de Nuits-Villages again (not much left) and giving us all a brief musical interlude. I love Judy Garland as much as any straight man ever did and Meet Me in St. Louis is a fave of mine. It has "lots of exciting song in it".

10.59 – Shortly after that song finishes Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) runs into the yard and violently destroys the snowmen in one of the best bits of wild child anger ever seen on screen. Gwan Tootie!

11.02 – Well, we're into time added on for wrist/finger typing injuries. No matter, there's still a drop or two of vino left. Plus, Jess has brought me up a luverly packet of Salt & Pepper Tuc to keep me going. Let's press on…

Time to whip out a gender-inscribed one for the girls. All pink 'n' flowery:

11.09 – Ah "Disco Diva" – a toy straight from the Bratz school of giant-eyed fashionista sassiness. A small (but important) warning on the bottom of the box reads:

Please note: CD Discs do not function or play different tunes.

Hmmm. Putting this to the test.

11.16 – The three plastic discs included read "Pop, "Rock & "Disco" but they all sound like brutal hard-core techno. Driving rhythms and hard, savage edges that call to mind moments from Lost Highway. Concerned parents should note that the "Mini CD Player" is pink and friendly with a handbag style strap – so there's a "little princess" air of softness to offset the manic doom noise of the CDs.

It should also be noted that the "buttons" (stop, play, repeat etc) are merely stickers that (like the "CDs") don't actually do anything. There is but one purple switch that makes things happen and allows nervous girls to cycle through the 3 disturbing tunes.

11.26 – Christ, look at the time. I need to empty my bladder. Cut to commercial.

11.32 – Last glass of booze. A wave of tiredness and (hic) tipsiness is beginning to wash over me. Can't neglect to mention the above though…

Simon Says come chase after me,
Repeat my lights seq-uent-iii-ally!

Time to take our hats off to what must surely be the only ever use of the word "sequentially" in a toy jingle. Actually, "Repeat my lights sequentially" sounds suspiciously like the kind of mangled English instructions one routinely finds on Manky Toy packets. It may even be on the "PolyBlock One" Box.

I was always rubbish at Simon Says. Once it really got cooking I'd start sweating and panicking and fall at the first hurdle. It was like something they'd sit around playing in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Games of the future are always bleepy, upsetting and confusing.

11.43 – And so we move on to the final toy of the evening. A truly disgusting blob of goo submitted by my darling wife. Behold "Puppy Squeezer":

11.47 – Keen eyes may notice that, in Alan Partridge's immortal words, there is "superficial damage to the box". That is to say, it's completely covered in Sellotape. As a result Jess, being mindful of her rights as a consumer, had the brazen cheek to ask for a discount. The o'erworked till operator looked at her with a mixture of weariness and disgust. No discount was forthcoming.

It's difficult to describe how horrible "Puppy Squeezer" is to the touch. It pulses, it oozes, it reminds one not only of canine putrescence but one's own inevitable descent into rot and deliquescence. It's like Stretch Armstrong's zombie dog companion.

12.00 – 3 hours in! Jays fluid! "Copernicus" has just posted a grim warning of the dangers posed by the hideous likes of "Puppy Squeezer":

I was in the two euro shop recently browsing the PS Onealike when I suddenly started back from the display at a sudden clammy, moist yet unwet sensation rapidly overwhelming my epiduris.

One of those packets of goo had come apart – or been deliberately booby-trapped by a passing child – and the hideous, ectoplasmic ooze was slathering over my flesh.

He thunked he was having "a visitation from Madame Blavatsky", she who always gifted jars of putrid ectoplasm to Yeats, Crowley et al for Christmas. Perhaps there is some occult conspiracy behind the gurning puppy. I've seen Halloween 3. I know what can happen!

12.06 – Fergal notes, "I always wondered what class of goo was used inside these things". I draw his attention to the rear of the box.

Caution! Contents may stain some fabrics.

Or…"Contents may dissolve flesh/Melt your soul".

12.10 – One final word from our insistent sponsors before we wrap up, put on our night caps, and sail for the shores of nod.

12.12 – 2 questions.

1) When did Ms. Pac Man become Bette Midler?

2) Does she actually sing (at the end) "Hey, don't ya know? I'm only Pac Man with a bow!!"

If (2) is true then it's an admirable bit of honesty from Atari. She had a beauty spot too though…so it was a markedly district sequel.

12.21 РI've squeezed my last puppy and blocked my final poly. There's an empty bottle beside me and "Navvy" looks like he's fit for the bed (after another back-breaking shift). Chatter and raim̩is can continue in the comment room, but for now it's good night from me and it's good night from them.

And remember…nighttime is a bankable actor.

finis

The Manky Toy Show – A Postscript – 28/12/2007

Last night, as Jess and I were working our way through Harold Lloyd and Sopranos box-sets, our whole road was suddenly plunged into darkness. After lighting a few candles I remembered that I had a wind-up torch (somewhere) among my possessions. Finding it would, however, require another torch to light my way (I have a similar problem when I misplace my glasses). As we sat in the gloom wondering what to do Jess exclaimed "The Spider-Man Phone!"

Off I trudged upstairs, thinking that even the mankiest toy has its day to (literally) shine. Down I bring Spidey, take 2 AAs out of the DVD remote, crank him up and…his arm snapped straight off…his head gave out no light.

Nighttime, I'm afraid to say, was no bankable actor.

By my mid/late teens, however, a combination of "Fuck the man!" cynicism, and Pat Partridge's tragic defeat of Gaybo in a steel cage death match (thus winning the right to sit on his throne), meant that the Toy Show no longer defined the festive season in quite the same way. The priority now was bush drinking and getting rat-arsed.

The sad decline of this once proud institution was recently documented by Copernicus, as he bravely took one for the team and "live blogged" this year's offering. Given that his text descriptions were, almost certainly, far more entertaining than the real thing, the thought occurred to me that I could try and offer my own alternative to RTÉ's annual disappointment.

And so I give notice. Tomorrow (Sunday) night – from 9-11 p.m. (roughly) – I will present the first ever "Manky Toy" Toy Show. Reactions will be "live" and unscripted. Wine will flow. Toys will (probably) break. Festive mirth and good cheer will be unconfined.

I encourage any and all of the blog's readers to go forth and purchase their own Manky Toy. They can then send me images and comments of same to the email address in the sidebar. These offerings will be woven into the post as the night goes on, as will any amusing observations added to the comments section. Though the rules of "Manky Toy Monday" state that no more than 2 Euro can be spent on each item I think, given the season, that we can let this restriction slide just this once. Anything up to a (grossly ostentatious) 5 Euro is fair game.

It may be fun. It may be rubbish. But, sure, we'll give it a go.

See you then and there (i.e. here).

Sunday, 23rd December 2007, 9.00 -11.00 p.m. (ish).

After Part Two's tales of horse colic, Neil Jordan, Flann O'Brien, Fortycoats, and 'Ould Mr. Brennan'…our story drifts gently towards its ending. My thanks (again) go out to Eugene for agreeing to chat (off the cuff) about this, that, the other, and everything in between.

You've been a great audience, folks. Good night, and safe home. (curtain)

So what's become of the actual wagon now Eugene? The documentary [Pulling the Strings] seemed to suggest that it has become the property of Fossett's Circus….

It used to be outside Telifís Éireann [in Donnybrook] for a long time, literally falling asunder, until Eddie Fossett took it. He then (thankfully) decided to repair it, so he has it in storage now.

Actually, for the second last Late Late Show with Gay Byrne, Gay said he would love to have the wagon on…but nobody knew where it was! Then, by accident, I found out where it was through doing the Punch and Judy Act in the Peter Ustinov film version of The Old Curiosity Shop. I didn't appear myself, but I did (as I say) do the Punch and Judy in it, and there were also some of Eddie Fossett's jugglers and acrobats involved. Anyway, Eddie and I got chatting and he said "You know, I have the wagon!" (laughs) So that’s how I got to find out.

Then, about 4 years ago, we had it up in the National Museum in Collins' Barracks, and we had about five thousand turn up to see it…mostly adults!

So is it back in Fossett's now?

Yes, it's back in Fossett's. It's there and it can be hired out.

You've suggested that you felt that you (and the family) lost control of Wanderly Wagon, somewhat, around the time it made the transition to colour, as it no longer felt like "a live show". How had things changed exactly?

In the early black and white days they couldn't edit the tape, so you did the show from beginning to end and if anything went wrong you had to start again. But then when it went into colour and they started to have editing facilities, they began to do shows simultaneously, so we'd do the interiors (say) for two different shows together. That made continuity very difficult …it became more of a technical show…and it was much more difficult to work like that for me.

I know that Wanderly was one of the first Irish TV shows (if not the first) to use 'Chroma Key' (or 'Colour Separation Overlay'), thus allowing the wagon to enter more fantastical realms (under the sea, outer space etc). What are your memories of working with that technology?

Well there were wonderful things you could do, of course. Suddenly the wagon could fly, and I remember we used helicopter footage that they had, and showed the wagon flying out to Cappagh Hospital, and all the other children's hospitals we used to visit at Christmas.

In general, how much freedom, did you have from RTÉ creatively?

Well we were always allowed to come up with ideas, and I was consulted about the different things we could actually do with puppets. So…over the years we came up with a lot of the puppetry ideas that made the show what it was.

How tight was the schedule in terms of getting the shows finished on time?

We used to rehearse for two days, and then we’d be in the studio for a full day, but it was never enough time, never enough time…

Then there were also sessions doing songs, recording songs and so on with Jim Doherty who used to do the music. There were a lot of different song-writers and composers too, over the years.

Were the mythical/folkloric elements of the show something you personally felt interested in, or did they (instead) spring simply from the imaginations of individual writers?

Well that really only featured in the later episodes like the ones they're after doing for the DVD, and 'Chroma Key' was used a lot in those ones. But we really didn't do that kind of 'Irish folklore' thing too often before that. We had some great episodes, though, in the early years, like 'Upside-Down land'…and…some of the early ones were marvellous really. All done without the special effects too.

I’ve heard that many (if not most) of RTÉ’s Wanderly Wagon tapes were erased/re-used due to cost-cutting techniques prevalent at the time. How much material actually remains in the archives, do you know?

Well they were big, wide tapes and they used to use them over and over. I was originally told that most of the tapes were gone, but there are still quite a few left…probably 150 tapes at least. Of course, we must have done an awful lot more that that over the years…so it's a great shame. But it was common practice at the time, and the BBC used to have the same problem.

For example, for all the years we did Murphy agus a Chairde (5 years) there's none of it left. Well, there's a little 2 minute clip…or it mightn't even be 2 minutes…in the documentary, and that survived because it was on film. It was a documentary about Telifís Éireann that happened to be filming at the time.

But in the coming years they're going to allow me to go through the archives and pick out ones that I'd like. I'll hopefully even be able to get something out of the tapes that are damaged, and I could always link up the fragments with inserts from Judge and myself.

So there'll definitely be more material coming out on DVD?

Yes, [the first volume] was a great success last year with over 30,000 copies sold. I didn't really have that much to do with it, they really only gave it to me to OK, but if I'd had the choice I wouldn't have picked the ones they picked. If I'd had the time I might have chosen something else but by the time they came to me it was already November so…

Anyway, it was EMI that did it and it took a long time to get Telifís Éireann to release the material, but because of the success they're definitely going to do more.

Finally, Eugene, could you tell us a little bit about the 'International Puppetry Festival' you're currently organising?

The puppetry festival is in its 13th year, and we're working hard on it at the moment. We're hoping to have a Russian company, a Mexican company, and a group from Iran would you believe! They're three girl puppeteers from Iran and it would be a great coup if we could get them.

As well as our own theatre we'll also be using the Pavilion this year, for the Russian one. It's not all finalised yet but we're hoping it'll be a very good festival.

The End

(…More fustar.info interviews [hopefully] coming soon…)

With Part 1 (and Eugene’s early days) behind us, our tale now winds its way toward the promised land of Part 2…and the arrival of a certain wagon.

Ready boys and girls?

Ok, Eugene, if we could just talk a little about the origins of Wanderly. Who takes the credit for the initial concept of a show based around a ‘magical wagon’?

That was a joint idea between myself and [director] Don Lennox. We had a lot of ideas at the time…but then of course they brought in writers…there were a lot of writers. We probably had, oh, 7 or 8 writers over the years.

Is it true that Pat Ingoldsby wrote some episodes?

Oh yes, Pat Ingoldsby wrote for us…Neil Jordan too! Then there was Carolyn Swift, Gordon Snell, Michael Judge…and a lot more.

I’ve heard you mention that Judge and Mr. Crow (the two most iconic puppet characters) were there from the very beginning of Wanderly, but had they ever been used prior to that (in Murphy agus a Chairde for example)?

Oh no, they were all different. They were all specially created for the show – Judge, and Mr. Crow, and Foxy, the squirrels, the mice, and Sneaky Snake – they were all our own original ideas for Wanderly Wagon.

According to the recent documentary made about the family, Pulling the Strings, you were originally only supposed to supply the puppets, but eventually found yourself playing the 'Jovial character' that Wanderly Wagon needed.

That’s right yes, originally. I had done some straight acting before that though. I was in the Abbey Theatre production of At Swim-Two-Birds [an Adaptation of Flann O'Brien's novel by Audrey Welsh] where I played the Pooka.

Oh Right!

…and did the ventriloquism for the Good Fairy who was an invisible character. Alan Simpson, Lord have Mercy on Him, was the director of that…an absolutely wonderful man. It was a wonderful production.

I also acted in a children’s play, a Robert Bolt play…in the Eblana theatre, which is gone now…and I did pantomime, of course, and a few other things too. I actually did several pantomimes with Maureen Potter in the Gaiety.

Of course when I did the ventriloquism it was really more adult shows and cabaret, but through television, then, I became known more as a children’s entertainer than an adult entertainer…

What about the casting of Nora O’ Mahony? Had you known her before, and what was she like to work with (and as a person)?

Nora O’Mahony of course was Godmother, and I knew of her…you know. She was a very famous actress actually, and had played in several films in Hollywood. One of the last ones she did was Darby O’Gill and the Little People, do you know that one?

I do indeed, with Jimmy O'Dea, Sean Connery etc.

Yes, they showed it quite recently…she was the barmaid [Molly Malloy] in that, so if you ever see it again you’ll know to watch out for her. She was a lovely person…but she gave it all up and went to work as a lay missionary in Rhodesia, and she was Bishop Lamont’s secretary for many years until she got a tropical disease, a kidney disease, and she was invalided home. After that she started reading letters on The Frank Hall Show on television, and that’s how we discovered her for Wanderly Wagon.

I believe that Rory (Bill Golding) left the show in 1974, though I don’t recall this personally I might add. I’ve read that the character "left the team early deciding to help the moon mice repair the moon with the help of some cheese". Is this true, and what are your memories of Bill?

He was a wonderful actor and he played several characters. He played Fortycoats¹ actually, with his flying sweetshop (The flying sweetshop was my idea, by the way).

And yes, what you read is true, himself and Foxy went off to repair the moon with the mice!

But Bill was always very busy because he did a lot of commercials and he did a lot of straight acting in the Gate Theatre and that…

Someone told me that he actually does the voice of "Ould Mr. Brennan".² Is that right?!

Yeah, that’s actually the voice he used to do for Fortycoats, the original Fortycoats! Now after Wanderly Wagon finished they did a program called Fortycoats & Co.…which was a rehash of our program…

So you (the Lamberts) didn't have anything to do with that show?

No, we’d nothing to do with that at all…but they actually rehashed some of our scripts, you know. Anyway, it was never as popular as Wanderly Wagon! (laughs)

Frank Kelly is another fondly remembered Wanderly regular. What are your memories of working with Frank?

Well Frank Kelly actually wrote quite a lot of Wanderly Wagon and then he played several characters over the years, the last one (of course) being Dr. Astro. But he had played several others…I remember he played a pirate – I forget his name now [Ed: Possibly 'Long John Gold'?] – and he was a brother..a monk! And, of course, he did the voice of Sneaky Snake. He was a very versatile man, though he’s now (of course) best know for Fr. Jack!

There’s a scene in the documentary where Jim O’Hare talks about the actual design of the wagon. Can you tell us a little bit about how it was first created?

Yes, Jim was the designer, and he worked in Telifís Éireann. The wagon was designed on a dray…CIE used to have these horse drays and it was on one of those. And we actually bought the original horse, Telifís Éireann owned him…Pádraig the Horse! We did a lot of filming of putting on the harness, and feeding him, and hooking him up to the wagon and all that…but there was actually a new lawn laid in Telifís Éireann, because it was quite a new building back then, and the poor horse ate the grass, got colic, and died.

Oh dear…

The thing was that nobody knew because we were still using all the footage we'd shot of the horse and the wagon! Then over the years they hired several other horses, but the kids never really seemed to mind that they were different. We had a piebald horse, and a brown horse…but it was just accepted! (laughs)

And, of course, we did a lot of the St. Patrick's Day parades with the wagon and the various horses.

So it was actually a properly functioning wagon then?

That’s right. Oh it was, yeah.

But the interior was obviously a set…

Yes, it was a separate set, and that was always a bit of a shock to the kids when they had a look inside!

I presume that the wagon was designed, from the beginning, with puppetry in mind?

Oh yes, it was. The downpipe was for Crow, and there was a barrel where Sneaky Snake was operated and so on. There was actually a fair bit of room inside, but it still used to be cramped enough when all the puppets and puppeteers were in there.

Jim also suggests that the original intention was for the show to be an outside broadcast, with the wagon (physically) travelling around Ireland every week? Was that the case?

Yes, but we very seldom travelled anywhere! We had it down in Clonmel at a big parade one time…and I’m sure there’s footage somewhere, because that was filmed…so it’s around somewhere.

Would be great to dig that up. So, basically, despite the initial concept, the show pretty quickly became almost exclusively studio based…

That’s right, but we did do a few outside things. I remember we had it in Powerscourt a few times, and Stephen's Green on several occasions. Whenever we actually went anywhere thousands of people used to turn up! We also had it in Birr, and a few festivals here and there but originally it was supposed to travel a lot more.

End of Part 2

(…Part 3, "A Most Unusual Wagon…", coming very soon…)

1. The character of Fortycoats seems to have been named after a real-life Dublin 'character'…or possibly more than one, as Wikipedia explains:
   

   The name Johnny Fortycoats first appears in Dublin folklore in the 1930s. It may perhaps have been applied to more than one person, including one of a couple of tramps who walked the coast of Dublin at the time of the television series. A wild looking man, universally recognized (Dublin is a large village), harmless as anyone knew. He was far removed from the world of television. It was his habit to wear several coats, hence the nickname.

   [back]

2. For those who don't know, 'Ould Mr. Brennan' is a famous Irish, uber-Dub, radio character who advertises "Brennan's Bread"…in pretty maudlin style. [back]

While the likes of (the wonderful) Bagpuss may have charmed and captivated children across the Irish Sea, there was but one choice (no, really) for those of us who grew up in the "single channel land" of 1970s RTÉ: The magical, the marvellous, the decidedly strange…Wanderly Wagon.

For those whose childhoods were Wanderly-free, a brief description of the show might prove useful. The excellent Irish-Tv.com has this to say:

Wanderly Wagon was probably the classic children's television programme from RTÉ, the Irish state broadcaster. [It] ran from 1968 until 1982 – but come to think of it, for many years it was the only children's television programme on RTÉ. So what was it all about? Well, three intrepid human travellers set out in a magical flying wagon accompanied by a cloth dog, a smart cuckoo clock with a crow in it, and a wooden fox who lived in a barrel fixed to the outside of the wagon. The travellers did venture outside planet Earth occasionally but only ever seemed to travel in Ireland when they were on Earth. When things were flagging a bit, everyone including the villains would break out into song.

A further (comparative) offering comes from Pádraig O Méalóid:

Think Dr Who with a fat man [Sorry Eugene!] instead of The Doctor, a grandmother [sic] instead of the companion, a horsedrawn wagon instead of the TARDIS, and absolutely no budget whatsoever, and you're still miles out.

Though both descriptions give a hint of the show’s unique flavour, we children of the 70s/Early 80s had nothing but half-remembered fragments to reminisce about until late last year when EMI (in conjunction with RTÉ) brought out the first volume of The Best of Wanderly Wagon on DVD. The release has proven a huge success, and yours truly dutifully trotted out to get himself a copy to roll back the years and wax nostalgic. Having relived the experience I was curious to find out how much Wanderly information was available online. After a couple of casual searches, it became clear that (surprisingly) there was actually precious little of note.

A few breathless emails and telephone calls later, and I emerged (after a few weeks…) with a fústar.org exclusive: A lengthy, 3-part interview with Wanderly's co-creator, star, and Irish puppetry legend, Mr. Eugene Lambert (a million thanks to Eugene for his co-operation, he couldn't have been nicer).

So, without further ado, I present (unsurprisingly enough) 'Part 1′. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed compiling it. Away we go…

To begin with, Eugene, can you tell us a little bit about how you first got involved in puppetry?

Well, I actually started doing puppets when I was a child, 8 years of age, when I got some books on it. My father was a county librarian in Sligo, I’m originally from Sligo by the way. Anyway, I made a ventriloquist’s doll when I was about 10 and after that I used to do school concerts and shows for the boy scouts and all that sort of thing. So that was the beginning.

You spent 7 successful years, I believe, with Jury’s cabaret performing as a ventriloquist with your dummy/companion Finnegan. Was ventriloquism a popular form of entertainment on the Irish variety circuit at the time?

Well no, not really. There were only about two ventriloquists around! So when I started doing it I had no idea that there was even such a thing as a ventriloquist. (laughs)

Was it literally then a case of just getting a book from the library and teaching yourself?

Well I actually started doing ventriloquism without a book at all. I’ve always mimicked and done voices and all that sort of thing, so it was a really just the next step from the other puppets I used to make…deciding to make a puppet that could move its mouth.

So if that was the very beginning of your interest in puppetry, how did you then get involved in it professionally?

Well, I was doing those concerts…and…you see my father died when I was 15 so I had to leave college, but I did go to the Tec for a few years, and I was always very good at making things with my hands. Then I actually became a fitter in Denny’s Bacon factory in Sligo, but I still used to do parochial concerts, and that, with the ventriloquism.

Then I came to Dublin…and we got married in 1950, Mai and I, we were only 22! So we came to Dublin and, as I always tell the story, we only had two cases. All our belongings were in one, and my puppet was in the other. That, and ten shillings…that’s what we came to Dublin with, you know. By the way, the dummy I had then was actually a predecessor of Finnegan, a character called Frankie.

Anyway, we came to Dublin and I got a job in refrigeration, in 'Re-cold', 27 Pearse St. It’s actually the Pearse Museum now, that building there…but it used to be a company called 'Re-Cold'. So, I was working in the fridges there when Mai entered me for a talent competition in James’ St. Hall. I won the competition and a chap saw me, he was a magician, and he brought me down to the Queen’s Theatre, which also used to be in Pearse St. So I got on in the Queen’s and that was really the first sort of professional break that I had. I did a lot of weeks in the Queen’s, before going on to play in the Capitol Theatre, which was beside the GPO, and the Olympia. In 1954 I actually played with Laurel and Hardy in the Olympia!

Around that time someone saw my act and I ended up going to England for 18 months, touring on the Musical Hall circuit. Nobody could do that now, of course, because it’s all gone. But it was a wonderful experience…and that, I suppose, is where I got my proper theatrical experience.

You said there weren’t many ventriloquist acts in Ireland at the time, but presumably there were quite a few on the Music Hall scene…

Well there was a famous ventriloquist called Terry Hall, and he was in the show in the Olympia when I was in the Capitol, and…I don’t know whether you ever remember Lenny the Lion?

Em…a bit before my time I'm afraid…

He was actually on the BBC…he had a BBC show…and Terry had left the show in the Olympia to do that, which is how I got the job! So, I went on tour then …I remember the first stage of the tour was in Cork in the Old Opera House, and when that finished I went to England and toured for 18 months as I’ve said. After that I came back to Dublin, and started doing dinners, children’s parties etc., but I also had a day job!

I also believe that you used to perform with Finnegan on a popular RTÉ radio program. Hearing this reminded me of a scene in Woody Allen’s Radio Days where one of the characters protests at the presence of a ventriloquist on the radio, asking (the fairly obvious question) "How do we know he's not moving his lips?". Was that ever an issue for you?

(laughs) Well no, not really. Charlie McCarthy was extremely successful in America on the radio, and then you had Peter Brough with Archie Andrews on the BBC [in a show called Educating Archie], and then, of course, I was here.

Take the Floor was a show on Radio Éireann with a man called Dinjo…and it was a huge success, and I toured around the country doing concerts with him, mainly Sunday nights…or the whole weekend in some places…and, of course, did the day job as well. We’d travel to Killarney and back in the one day and then have to go in to work in the morning!

I actually also had a children’s program called Finnegan Picks the Music on the radio…and that would have been way back in the 50s and the early 60s.

And what was the format of that?

Well it was based around Children’s records…which unfortunately you never hear now. I know people say that kids now are into pop music and all that, but they never hear the likes of Burl Ives and those songs…those wonderful children’s songs that he had. But there were a whole lot of these songs you know…Danny Kaye, for example, had hundreds of children’s songs. So I used to play those kind of records and then do a little bit of dialogue between songs with Finnegan and myself.

And then in 1963, I entered an idea to Telifís Éireann, and that’s where the other puppetry started…with a show called Murphy agus a Chairde. The idea I submitted was actually a marionette show, and from that I got what they call a 'test'. So it was all based around marionettes, which I had to make, and Mai (my wife), and my eldest daughter manipulated them with me. The other children (we had ten in the family) were very small at the time.

At the same time I was doing "Gaels of Laughter" in the Gaiety with Maureen Potter, as well as seven nights a week in Jury’s Cabaret in Dame St. So I had to give up the day job at that stage…as the money was pretty poor in comparison…

What was the money like in Telifís Éireann at the time, if you don’t mind me asking?

It was never good you know…but it was a lot better than the day job! (laughs)

So then, on the television front, Murphy agus a Chairde ran up until 1968 (5 years in all), and in the meantime I had met a wonderful director called Don Lennox and we started discussing further programs…and Wanderly Wagon came out of that and ran from 1968 up until 1982.

End of Part 1

(…Part 2, "A Wanderly Beginning", coming soon…)